Could this be a MLC?

[late30s]

Hi Haunted,

*Small disclaimer: I am by no means a veteran in dealing with this situation, simply offering what has worked for me thus far. The vets here know what they're talking about -- Listen to them!*

I have also struggled with not contacting my W. One thing I tried has helped me a lot, I hope that it can help you as well. My therapist suggested that I find a friend and talk to them about the situation, with the understanding that all I was looking for was support for what I thought was the best way to move forward with my marriage. I went to one of the people I thought I could trust and started the conversation with, "I really need someone to talk to but it is equally important that you support my decisions on the matter. Is that something you feel like you can do?" He said yes and has lived up to it. He has also been kind enough to allow me to call him anytime the urge to call my W is getting too strong. I spend an hour or so talking with him and I am able to keep from reaching out to my wife.

Also, I second Caliguy's suggestion of nuking facebook. Don't look into it, don't seek out news from it via other people with access to his newsfeed. It will save you a lot of pain and sanity.

As far as the horrible things they're going to say ... I try to look at it as my wife is ill. These are symptoms of her illness. She has said horrid things to me and I remind myself that I would not be upset with someone with cancer being in pain (it is a symptom of the illness), so I don't upset with the things she says. That's not to say that you should remain in the conversation and take the abuse, it is better to remove yourself from the conversation, but I have found that this has helped me to stop echoing her statements over and over in my head. The illness approach doesn't mean they get a free pass if you start moving in a good direction, but I like to think it helps to keep me sane while I am running my marathon.

For the time being, I would accept that communication can't happen right now. You can't make any progress in your relationship until your husband is ready to start moving forward a bit. You can work on things for yourself and your kids. Do all you can to make every other facet of your life good. Are there hobbies or friends you used to have but you gave them up for your relationship?

It may seem that he has all of the power in the relationship right now, but that isn't entirely true. It has helped me a lot to realize that I choose when I walk away. I choose how long I give this relationship. Don't do anything you aren't ready for yet. If MIL says H wants a divorce, don't file for him if you aren't ready. If he wants the D so badly, he'll need to file himself.

Everyone here is very supportive, try to find good things in life and focus on those. I believe this board is one of those good things.

Hang in there, Haunted. It will get better one way or the other.