Summer of Growth and Acceptance - Part 2

[Painter]

It does start to wear on me, both mentally and emotionally, when every past and present action and decision of mine gets to be critized, yet I am expected to turn a blind eye and zip up to all of my H's faults and poor decisions. You start to feel a bit beat down. I am now the family pet getting no love and attention and it stinks. Every now and then something is going to slip out in frustration. The reference to the text was not mentioned to H. Sure, I understand that why my H was upset, but I don't entirely agree with it or think it is fair. Finding the right way to respond in those cases is hard. I am really working on compassion and empathy, but it gets hard when you get zilch in return from WS. It is hurtful, but yes, I understand he has felt that way for years. I am glad that you seem to have so much hope for my M, because I am feeling a bit hopeless these days. This DBing is hard stuff!!

I hear you! I talked to our DB counselor about it last time (we have some individual sessions) and she said 'it won't last forever!'

[V2pt0]

Had a great couple of days relaxing and getting back into exercise routine and healthy eating after indulging a bit on vacation. Feeling nice and rested. Need to get some GAL activities lined up for week.

H got back from work trip last night and we had very nice interaction. Moving forward, especially after last convo, I have made resolve to keep interactions as pleasant as possible. Also, to do a better job of steering clear of anything that could lead to R talk. I am sure this is not making coming home a pleasant experience. I want to act towards him the way I want him to act towards me.

Same as his last return, I was very upbeat and asked about his trip. He asked about mine, but I did not over share and walked away first. A few minutes later, he inquired further about my trip and time with family, so I shared a bit more. He eventually sat down in room to have conversation. I tried to focus my attention on asking him questions about parents and work. He actually opened up and shared/vented about some things to me. Asked my opinion on a few things related to work trip he left for today. Said good night last night and good morning today. Overall, there seemed to be the slightest change in his behavior and attitude towards me. Also see a bit of lightness to him that I have not seen in a while. he certainly seemed to be making an effort to be engaged. It was a pleasant suprise given our exchange a couple of weeks ago.

[Painter]

Sounds great! Every good interactions builds up.

I need to get better at not introducing hot topics, but it's hard when you have to discuss 'housekeeping' issues, and every single issue seems to fall into the hot topic category...

[Elly4]

That certainly does sound more relaxed as an interaction. Seems like right now, this is the right approach to take with him. I hope it continues to be so positive for you. Then you can continue to be relaxed and rested.

[Zephyr]

I want to act towards him the way I want him to act towards me.

So very much YES!!!

- showing appreciation and giving thanks for things they do can be a great start.

- being respectful of what they say, even if it is something you don't agree with.

- backing spouse up with kids / family when there is a disagreement

- being interested in what he actually says

Great Stuff, as long as we are not being a doorman, which it definitely looks like YOU ARE NOT DOING

[V2pt0]

Tonight's GAL is quiet night at home alone with my fur baby reading Codependant No More, and I am fascinated. Realizing that I did not really know the true definition/s of codependency, but can see that both H and I, for different reasons, have been codependent in our M. No wonder we were having problems. I know this is diagnosing, but I also think that my H's current behavior, including A, considering leaving M, etc. are possibly his attempt to break away from his codependency.

Anyway, it is an interesting read that hits home for me.

Hope everyone is having a good night.

[V2pt0]

Also see why I am responding to my sitch the way I have been...controlling, obsessing, wanting to fix H, afraid to let go. Ugh!

[Zues126]

Very good book in terms of learning about CD. Definitely a dynamic to be aware of. Detaching and boundaries are a big part of DBing and becoming a healthy individual in charge of your own happiness.

You've come a long ways in 4 months. The realities you've been faced with have actually gotten more difficult, yet you're handling it with more strength. That's a lot of growth. Keep on this road and in 6-12 more months you'll feel so strong you will surprise yourself compared to months 1-3.

At the same time, don't think you're hopeless or that you have to change everything. Every relationship has some CD in it. It's just a matter of degree. Kind of like how everyone has a personality, but it's not a 'personality disorder' unless it is out of control and negatively impacting your relationships, etc. So don't think it's black and white. Be aware of where you were too far on the CD spectrum that led to problems, but don't think you need to go to the absolute other extreme to be healthy either. That's the mistake I made early on, but I've always struggled with shades of grey.

[V2pt0]

Just some thought processing on two subjects. First, controling behavior:

I am just now learning that controlling behavior encompasses a wider range of actions than I initially thought and I am realizing that I have been more controlling with H than I thought. Much of this came out in playing the role of caretaker with H instead of letting him take responsibility for himself. I am working on this though. This sis definitely an area for growth. I guess where I find it a grey area is when choices he makes could impact us both.

Finances would be an example. I recently did a 180 with this, but I do still have some anxiety about letting go. My concern is partially because before we got married my H had a great deal of debit. I have also taken care of finances and paying bills all throughout our M, so I know what goes in and out. We made it through his schooling with zero debt. H recently applied for a cc and I only found out because the company called our house as fraud protection. It appears he also had the mailing address to go to work office. I did not question him about why he applied one at all or voice concerns. I have been very supportive. He openly said it was for work travel purposes. We have to pay for his work travel hotels and flight out of our checking and then get reimbursed, so it can require a great deal of shifting around funds. I realize he has every right to have a cc and I cannot and should not control that.

BUT there is still a part of me that does worry that it will not get paid and debt will grow, which would impact me. It then becomes my responsibility as well and will affect me financially. It does worry me that he was so secretive about it and makes me think it is more for hiding and supporting A. Again, I have taken a step back and have not expressed this and am letting him make his choices. Is my thinking on this off somewhere?? The only solution seeems to be to completely seperate finances and the suggestion of that will not go over well. Plus, I know he needs to learn to take of this on his own. It was a big step for me to just let go and take my hands off of it. I have already protected some of our saving into my name only. I have said something to him about noticing he has been withdrawing cash in a past convo about A. He did not like that at all.

Next subject will be in another post...care-taking.

[Bob723]

Hello BT,

Thanks so much for your kind post in my thread. I replied there.

I almost feel like we are kindred spirits. Our sitches are very similar.

I will dedicate a prayer to you right after this post (so I don't forget - LOL).

Please take care of yourself and keep a positive attitude. One day at a time!

Bob