Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)

[714Dad]

From my male viewpoint...

I think the 37 rules are hard to follow because in one instant the LBS is being asked to go dark or cut off all contact with someone they've been talking to as their most trusted friend for often many years.

that habit of seeing the other person everyday, and talking to them or touching them or anything with them suddenly vanishes. it feels like you're teetering on a cliff and you just start to swing your arms around wildly trying to regain your balance. in that state you're terrified and grabbing onto whatever will give you balance. As mentioned this is often apologizing or reasoning or just being incredulous. i spent two weeks sending my W articles about the effect of divorce on kids, but she countered with an equal number of studies that showed that it was fine on kids. she refuses to believe that my concern if for my girls, while i feel it is at least 51% of my reasoning.

Of course, I also desperately want her. But, as talked about, started leaving years ago. despite the fact that the last year saw many of the things she wanted to have happen happen (increased communication, more support for her work, less fighting) she still focused only on the arguments we did have, not the newly fast tracked resolutions. I got down at some points as well, and those ups and downs were too much for her.

So when i finally snapped at her and she said she "felt nothing" when i did that she somehow knew it was over for her. a woman who said that she took vows before God, etc. now said "i want to let the world in, focus on my career, have a chance to be independent," etc.

and because i was thinking things were getting better and that every setback was going to be followed by a bigger step forward, when she said that to me it was devastating. i only cried and blubbered 2 or 3 times in front of her and even then it was mostly exposition about what i could have done and such.

i stopped pursuing and it feels nightmarish. she's just disappeared and in my mind she's partying or going out, working late with her younger single co-workers, etc. when you're prone to catastrophic thoughts it's doubly hard. i have seen her a few times and been really upbeat and more confident, but again, this makes her say things like "it looks like you're happier now than you've ever been." making me worried that she is feeling validated in her statement that she wasn't a good match for me and that she was setting me free to find someone that can make me happy.

the problem is that you have to adopt the rules before you detach. so you can't see if they're working and you can't talk to her about what she is feeling. so you're still attached to this person and you've cut them off, but you can't see them to see if they even notice. it's not until you begin to internalize the idea of changing yourself that you understand the point of detaching is not to get her back, but to fix yourself. so it's reversed from what she experienced where she detached years before the BD, and then just had to walk out the door.

thus its just panic. its such a sudden change that it cracks you up. like glass going from the freezer to a broiling oven. one moment you're married and the next you're not.

i don't know if i really answered anything.

sorry if this is off topic.