Suppose you were a LBH and your WW had moved out, had a series of A's, and finalized a D.
Knowing what you know...is that something you'd be able to forgive should she be open to R? How long do you think you'd be able to wait to see if things ever turned around?
My D's almost final and I have some of my own answers on this. I know everyone has their own lines on when they close the door to R, what boundaries are unforgivable in the sense of not being able to brush them aside and recommit to an M, etc. I'm just wondering what yours would be.
The first thing is to know how long it has been since her last contact with any of her AP's or any possible new OM. If it has not been at least six months......I would not even consider reconciling yet, b/c she's not serious.
Has she changed her behavior, attitude, treatment of you, etc.?
For me, she would have to be more than just "open to R". She would have to be willing to meet the conditions to have a healthy and trusting MR again. If she balks at "conditions", she's not ready.
I would need to see her show remorse, before I reconciled with her. If I was the H, I suppose one thing I couldn't forgive, would be her blaming me for her behavior and not being sorry for the destruction she caused everyone . As long as she has that attitude of blame and no remorse, her heart has not changed. That attitude rules everything in her and sooner, or later, bad things will come through.
Based on what I know about WW's, the toughest boundaries I would hold would be no lies or secrets, no show of disrespect, and no acts of rebellion. IMO, these are the tell-tale signs. If she breaks any of these, she opens the door to the same old problems. If she resists the transparency and claims it is controlling or she has no privacy, that is where the LBH should say, "I'm done". She is not ready and not serious about doing the necessary work.
The main issue with the stitch you've described is that the WW is a serial cheater.......or has continued to bounce from man to man before ever reconciling after the first A. . There could be underlying issues directing her, and more than likely some serious therapy needed to help her. Serial cheating is a ship load of waywardness, or some kind of deeply hidden issues.
For me, I would not enter into a committed R, again, until I saw some solid evidence that she is getting consistsnt therapy and responding in a positive manner. She would have to agree with my terms to a transparency plan that would help her stay on the straight & narrow. In addition to her own therapy, there would need to be M and/or family therapy, to heal and to know how not to repeat past mistakes. I would definitely make my conditions for a R known, if she was wanting to reconcile. If she isn't willing to meet those conditions in order to get back together, she sure won't do it afterwards.
She would need to prove herself, before just taking her back........and even before dating her again. As she shows how earnest she is, by her behavior, I would put forth more effort in the friendship. This is the time to have a friendship before a dating or MR.
What I have observed are men who are too eager to R and take her back without her doing the work. Then he jumps right into having sex with her (without even having STD test) and everything has started out of order, so it's easier for her to backslide again.
As for the forgiveness, that is such a personal and even religious action that it would be very difficult to draw a line for another person. I would think a series of affairs would be extremely tough to forgive, but even harder to live the forgivness on a daily bases. It's not being able to forget and get over that betrayal that harms the chance of a new M. If the betrayed cannot trust the former cheater after seeing obvious effort from her over a period of time......then he would need to get help or move on. You cannot have a healthy M built on mistrust. I stress "time" b/c neither of you should expect this to come quickly or without a lot of work.
How long? Longer than you think.
I'm sure I am leaving out something, but that's what comes to mind ATM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
