Co dependency H Affairs O my Must DETATCH

[Zues126]

You know, drug users often hang out with other drug users, and they like finding people that have worse problems than they do themselves. When you're doing drugs, getting fired from work for being late, losing contact with friends/family, and behind on your bills...you don't feel as bad when you surround yourself with people that are in and out of jail, robbing stores, etc. You can minimize your own problems because you're not that bad.

Same too with WAS's. In some ways it makes it easier when they act so terribly...it's easy to play the 'good guy' and be the victim, to focus on their problems, to gain sympathy, because you're not doing all of those things. That's what score keeping is all about. But here's the problem- do you want sympathy, or do you want a better life for yourself?

I suggested you read my threads from the beginning one because my STBX put me through an awful lot as well...but only after I let that go was I really able to start growing myself. Until then I figured she had to snap out of it at some point. You used the phrase earlier "It is so hard accepting reality when I know this is not who he is! He can not be living in reality!"

Guess what? This IS who he is. You're the one not living in reality if you think he's a good guy that's just having a crisis. You are 100% accountable for your situation. You put yourself there. You picked this guy. You put up with this behavior. You continue to engage. You can't point at him, he has always been like this.

I know I'm a broken record, but until you let him go, detach, drop expectations, and stop focusing on him, you won't be able to look at yourself and focus on making your life better.

I think you're frightened of being with a stable man. Maybe you feel like he wouldn't need you and no one would ever choose to want you if they weren't desperate. Maybe you feel that being with a degenerate gives you permission to avoid looking in the mirror, to avoid making changes you need to make, like "I'll put up with your crap if you put up with mine". I challenge you to step up your game and take control of yourself. It's a long road, keep going.