Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)

[sandi2]

Question for you sandi. You were a WAS. What made you realise that walking away was a mistake and how long in to the process did you start thinking?

I know every sitch is different, but it may help some of us.

I have been asked that question several times, and it's difficult to give a short answer. I think I was in the A for about a year. I can't remember some of the time factors, regarding how long it took before I started thinking about it being a mistake. It was the actual moving out and leaving town that I saw being my biggest hurdle. I thought one had to include the other (too long to explain). Part of the craziness of a WW. It was about two years before I really felt remorse for my actions, and that was with the help I was receiving. I used to not tell it b/c it was discouraging to newcomers, but now I think maybe they need a more realistic timeframe in mind. Bear in mind, however, everyone is not on the same timetable.

I talk a lot about "timing" b/c I believe good and bad timing plays a significant part in everything in life. A WW or WAW has to go through what I call a process, where certain things take place and the timing falls into place to have its greatest influence in swaying her decisions.

I had began seeing a few cracks in the OM's armor. I was seeing that I could not support myself or rely on the OM to support me. Sure, he was willing for me to stay with him, but I had health issues and needed insurance, etc. (Remember, a WW is going to think of her own needs!). I didn't like the answer he gave me when I brought up the issue. "Just come on and we'll worry about that after you get here". I may have been crazy but I wasn't completely stupid! If I had been a lot younger, I may not have taken it as seriously. Anyway, his statement was about the third time something caused a little warning bell to go off in my head..........that I would admit to myself. (I wanted him to be knight in shinning armor. ) Other things were slowly falling down around me, too, but I won't go into everything.

One day my adult D told me she knew everything. She had been at my house and found my computer history. That is when reality really hit me hard. Everything I had taught my children, the role model I had been to them, the religious beliefs and moral standards I had tried to instill...........all were shouting hypocrite to my face. It is not a position I would wish on any mother......or daughter.

I "accidentally" found my way to the DB board. I discovered it was primarily designed for the person who wanted to save their M. I wasn't at all sure I wanted to stay with my H. I just wanted someone to talk to me about my stitch. Thankfully, I got the very best that the board had at that time. At least, the best to be talking to this old WW. What they said was straight, hard, facts of life. They told it like it was, and I love them b/c of it. I listened........b/c the timing was right. Before that night, I would not have been listening to anyone.

Even after I ended the A, and decided to "stick it out" in the M, I was not remorseful. I had so much resentment in my heart, and a bitter attitude. I may have made the right decision but I still felt the rebellion. I tried. I prayed. I went through months of hellish withdrawal. I prayed that God would help me feel remorse and let go of the resentment. I was so very depressed and suffered panic attacks, missed so much work I almost lost my job, and every area of my life went downhill. One thing I did do........I kept coming here every night. I would be here until I could no longer hold my eyes open. And in many ways, it was my salvation.

It took nearly two years of unrest and no peace before I was finally able to go to my H with my pride stipped, and a broken heart for the destruction I had caused. Two years!! And that was me being here on this board and reading everything I could find about WW's. A woman does not have to leave the home or her M to be wayward, or to be a WAW. It is an act of the heart.

I know how cold and ugly a WW's heart can become. I also know it is possible to change. It takes time for some things to take place. There is a time for all things.