Difrent's Detachment - Attempts at It, Anyway

[PT33]

Dif
I to have the problem of always trying to help or do nice things for her. Its just automatic and its hard to stop

[DifRent]

Glad it's Saturday morning, as this workweek showed me clearly how much I'm not going to like this new job. It's a great group of people and a really solid culture. But the job itself? Not for me. I will spend the day looking for something new, which is frustrating. I really had hoped this position would be a good and healthy distraction. Now it has the potential to add to my frustrations and depression.

The only good thing has been that it's shifted my focus more to me than to mourning the crumbling of my marriage. WW called while I was at work on Thursday, leaving a message saying she wanted to get together and talk about things maybe over the weekend. I texted back to say I was busy, let's find another time. She called again yesterday - I just can't answer the phone during the workday, but she left no message. So I called back at the end of the day to discover she was at the house... on a Friday evening. Glad I had the heads up before I got home.

When I got back, I needed her to move her car. So I called to ask her to do so, and when I saw her come out of the house, I was really filled with a sense of revulsion and disgust - a sense I hadn't had quite to that degree yet. The way she carried herself just projected a cold woman so unlike the one I loved all these years. I couldn't wait to get in the house, pack, and leave for my mom's for the weekend.

But she asked if I wanted to take a walk to get the mail (a routine we had for years together in the evenings). I kind of chuckled but declined. She said, "I wanted to talk to you, haven't talked in a while. Tell me what's going on." So I sucked it up and sat down to tell her pretty much what was going on the with the job. Didn't lie - said I didn't think it was for me, but I loved the people. She nodded and tried to encourage me - for her own sake, I think... she desperately wants to know that I'm happy. "Anyway," I said, "I need to get going."

She replied, "You know, I really wanted to talk about things, logistics and stuff... we need to separate our cell phones..."

"Yeah, we need to address a lot of things in the course of dismantling all of this, but not now. I'm already late for my plans this evening, and I told you I was busy this weekend. Probably could address a lot of issues through email, too. No need for these meetings and talks."

"Well, I also wanted to say some other things, but I'm worried you will take them as, 'Oh, W wants me back.'"

I said, "Just say what you want to say, you can't control what I think about what you say any more than I can control what you think about what I say."

"I just wanted you to know that I'm very sorry about all this, and I feel really bad."

I have no idea what the best response would have been, but I said, "Well, okay. I'm sure you do. You should. But so what?"

Then she went on about how "this" isn't healthy for her, more tripe about how much she realized I wasn't right for her... we bickered some, I can't remember exactly about what. But as I was gathering my bags I finally said, "There's no point, you've left me and moved on." She made a crack about me not wanting to work and expecting her to "take care" of me - because I had expressed displeasure with the job. This is such a hot button for me, because I worked my ass off on her business and my own and have been devastated that all my work came to naught for me personally, and I couldn't even get an ounce of compassion or support from her about any of it. So I grabbed my things and, yeah, kind of slammed the door on my way out.

I was so irritated by what I sort of considered an ambush on her part: she wanted to talk about "things" this weekend, and when I made it clear I wasn't available, she came home at a time she was pretty sure I would be there so I'd have no choice but to encounter her. I was tired and frustrated from a long week to begin with, but once again, she thinks only of herself these days. Her guilt - she wants me to assuage it somehow. She can stew in it.

As I reminded her during our conversation when she insisted that all I want is to have her back in my arms, "Get over yourself and get it through your head - the woman you are right now, I do not want."

Glad to be out of town. Will focus on me today.

[DifRent]

A friend of mine just called to say she had run into my WW and the OW in the grocery store. WW was clearly uncomfortable, she said, and the OW quickly came right up beside her "with shifty eyes," as if guarding her or something. My friend told me, "My (nine year old) son was with me, so I was pleasant but still a bit cold. I wish I could have said to her what I wanted to say."

I asked, "Which was?"

"It takes a special piece of [censored] to allow someone into your life, to change not only your life, but the lives of your children, completely disregarding the promise of forever to your partner and changing your mind on a dime. I cannot wait for this dose of karma to come back and bite you. And ditto to your piece of [censored] homewrecker here. I hope she does the same to you!"

I said, "Well, then. Glad your son was with you."

Had he not been, this encounter would probably not have helped my DB cause!

[Fogg]

I like your friend

[DifRent]

Yeah, Fogg. She's pretty fierce. She's also the very first person in my life to whom I introduced my W back when. She said to W when she met her, "If you ever hurt her, I'll have to kill you." In June, she sent a text message reminding my W of what she said and asked, "So now what do I do?"

My W was not amused... but I got a chuckle out of it.

[PigPen]

Ha! I like your friend too Dif. If only we could all have someone to speak the none DB words out loud so we can at least hear them. How cathartic.

Sorry to hear about your job not working out, sounds very frustrating and expensive time and energy wise to have to find a new one. But what else can you do? You're going to get through this, it's going to be hard, but when it's all said and done, you'll be in a great place.

I look at V's situation and the amount of work she's already done and has to do and draw inspiration from it. One day at a time, one project at a time, sometimes one hour at a time of progress. That's how you finish this marathon.

We've got your back around here so know that you're going out on your new job finding adventure with people behind you for support.

Have a great Sunday.

PP

[Bob723]

Hey DifRent,

Now that's the type of friend I like! Yessss....

I am truly sorry to hear about your job. It must be discouraging but I am learning that the old saying is true: When one door closes, another opens.

I echo how PP ended his last post, "We've got your back around here..."

Try to take things one little step at a time. You'll get thru this.

*Hugs*

Bob

[DifRent]

Thanks PP and Bob... hugs back to both of you. I know you guys have my back. I just wish I had found a job that lit my fire. I could really use something that excites me and engages my mind right now, gets me out of the house, has me building relationships with other people. I really didn't need something else to bring me down. Going to focus on finding other options this week, even perhaps other options within the company. The income matters, but the other benefits of a job matter more right now, I think.

Was listening to a course this weekend, recommended by a friend here on the board, where it was suggested that in dealing with a WW, particularly if she is in MLC as I believe my WW might be, remember that there are two entities there: the woman you love, and the monster. He even referred to the monster as a "he," a separate entity hell bent on destroying your marriage and family. I have found this helpful, as when I saw her the other day, she repulsed me. But when I saw a photo of her at my mom's from recently happier days, I missed her so much.

It's only been three months (as of yesterday) since the BD - incredible to think how much has happened since then, and how headlong she has thrown herself into all things related to the OW. That fact makes me think things must truly be over between us. But it doesn't matter one way or the other. I need to focus on me, and although depression has got some kind of hold on me, it's not really about her anymore. It's about the mess she's left me with. And I guess that's some kind of progress.

Have a great Monday, everyone.

[Wonka]

Diff,

I wish your friend had spoken up and threw out some truth darts to W at the store. Sometimes I think it is important that the kids and other people do this instead of you as it insulates you from the spewing that surely would have taken place if you had said those very words.

I really like your friend! Hope she gets a second chance and speaks up her mind to W.

As for the job, I would keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities. Hope you are still in contact with your network. In fact, my LinkedIn network has just expanded with new connections. A really useful tool indeed.

[DifRent]

Thanks, Wonka. I am on LinkedIn and looking. I might finally be at the point where I am ready to do something that requires mental acuity and creativity again. I've felt so dead and empty this summer - I'm a former school principal and pretty successful writer/editor who would be content to drive a truck or dig ditches.

But no... not forever. I need meaning and purpose in my job and in my life. I've found myself mostly praying for that now.

What do you do, by the way? Would love to connect on LinkedIn!

Oh, as for my friend? Yes... I wish she'd been able to say something. I know it would help, but maybe she needs still another month or two for anything anyone might say to be effective. My mom - her godmother, who seems as pained by all this as she would be if it were her own child behaving this way - wants to have a sit-down, post-baptism conversation. I said that's a great idea, but not now. She needs to move through the affair fog and get beyond all the real estate "busy-ness" before she has any kind of space to hear anything real.

It's a long ride, right?

I've fastened my seatbelt.