New here.

[Vanilla]

Little, no one here is a professional on the board, we are all posters like you. Sandi, MrBond, Wonka, Starsky and many others are vets (very experienced posters) and like you I am a newcomer and have several months experience of DB. It is a peer to peer board, more experienced posters help less experienced posters.

Each one has their own views and abilities, for example I have no experience of MLC or Piecing so don't post on those issues. Abuse sadly is something I do have experience on and I have fostered children, had losses and illness and a very wayward husband who has compulsions, so those areas I feel good to post on.

Yes detaching is a major tool which will help you manage how you feel about H.

So what is detaching? Firstly it isn't unattaching. You can still stand for your M and your WH. It is about doing that which works for YOU and letting go of the outcome. It's is DBing for yourself irrespective of the result on WH. Please do what is required for yourself and your children and not because it has an effect on WH.

The Triangulation is not the affair, it is in my opinion the dynamic of this particular affair, not all affairs are triangulation. Most As are secretive and the WS tries to separate the OP from the spouse. This type of interaction is specific to certain As where the S has the OM or OW involved emotionally with the S and visa versa. A cruel dynamic. My WH always kept his liaisons secret. Triangulation is where there are three people interacting, in my case my WH kept his A secret so there was no triangle, I never interacted with is OWs. I trust this explains further.

Your WH has chosen this OW over his family and his W. That is the choice he made. Whatever the dynamic between them is it works for them. It's good to know that is how it is, but it isn't your sandpit. You have your own sandpit. Detach let them get on with their R. Think "WH don't bring your shoddy affair here to me, I don't want to know about it".

WH has his own R with each of his children let them work it through, you have no control over WH. It would be usual for a WH to see his children out of the house. Can you be completely absent when WH is with the children?

It's none of WH business what you do because at the moment he has sacked you as his W; although he is trying to hold on to you as well as having his OP. WH is having his cake and eating it, you could be strung along like this for a very long time. By detaching from what WH does you will regain control over your life. Make your own choices irrespective of WH views. For example if you want to stay on your computer whilst WH visits with the children you can do that because you chose it. In doing that you are detatching (doing that which works for you) irrespective of the outcome. You do this for you because it is best for you. When you interact with WH you do so because it works for you, and in ways which help you, not because it interferes with OW.

Whatever you do will annoy and irritate OW, just being you and the cheated spouse is enough. Being on the planet is enough to irritate. Not your concern, detatching from it, then you are not reacting to OW as she is reacting to you. Do a 180, forget OW as much as you can do. if it helps give her a name for your personal use only in your mind, a private name. On the board I have seen OWs called The Duck, the scuzzy, the Fishwife (mine), Ratbag, Pond Scum, Grubber and Nasty Piece. Yours might be the Mouth! It may help you detach but is for your use not to be shared with your children or WH.

Your WH behaviour is partly to keep you hooked as you pull away he chases as soon as you draw closer he pulls away. The more you detatch the more he chases, he has too because you are detaching. The less mind space you give OW and his A then the less the washing machine mind. You might say to yourself "WH you left your W and children, we are entitled to better than that. Until you behave decently there is no space in my thoughts for your behaviour"

You say that you are spending a great deal of thinking time and energy on your WH and his R with OW, energy you need for you. Trying to figure out why he does what he does or says what he says, I doubt you ever will know, it makes sense to him but his brains are scrambled eggs whilst he is addicted to OW. If it wasn't this OW likely another one. Do what works for you. Detaching will help you. You can still stand for your M. Attach to yourself instead of analysing and concerning yourself with your WH. Using your thoughts time and energy means less of those for you and is not detaching.

Be like the brave horse free to run, gallop as he chooses rather than being reined to a trainer. Be you attached to you, doing what you want for you. Detach from the rein of WH actions, you can still stand, like the brave horse who chooses his field to graze.the brave horse makes a choice.

One poster here found the image of a cat useful. The cat comes and goes and chooses its home. It stays where it is happy and well fed. Cats don't go for walks like dogs. Be like the cat, independent making your own choices for you and your children. Detach, I strongly recommend it.

V