Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)

[sandi2]

"Doesn't she want me to fight for our marriage"? "Won't this just push her further away"? "Won't she think I don't care about her"? "Won't this just push her into the arms of the OM"? "Won't she think I'm rude"? These are questions often asked by newcomers.

If she is a WW, she does not want you to fight to save the M. The H has to accept the fact she has changed. She is not the girl he M. Her mindset is completely different from the woman you have known as your W. No, she doesn't want you trying to save the M, b/c she wants to get away from you and live as single woman. That is what she wants, and the more you fight her, trying to save the M, the worse things will get.

The WW often shows extreme coldness or meanness to her H b/c it is her way of telling him to back away and to not get any ideas that there's still hope for them. She is over him. She has no feelings left. She is doing all she can to discourage any attempts he may be considering. The best thing a LBH could do at this point is not show her how much he cares for her! She does not want him "proving his love".

Another fear of the LBH is pushing her into the arms of OM. There is no shame in anyone having these fears. They are legitimate. The hard fact is that the WW's A may get more intense before it begins to slowly die. Affairs are built on secrets, lies, passion, and emotions. Until cold reality is thrown in the mix, it won't fizzle quickly. Maybe some end within 6 to 9 months, but others can linger much longer. I believe it depends largely on the immediate actions of the LBH. How he reacts to his WW's behavior does have influence.......positive or negative. The way he pushes her further into OM's arms is "to push". He has to go the opposite direction from pushing.

The H can still fight for the M! He just needs to take a different approach from what he may have originally saw as fighting for the M. Most newcomer men see fighting for the M to mean talking her out of leaving and/or giving him another chance. It results in him fighting her........which is not fighting for the M.

The fear of losing his W and family can control the H and cause him to act every way that repulses his WW. We can tell him not to show these behaviors and he'll continue b/c of the fear controlling him. Esentually, that is what pushes her further away. It is not b/c the H stepped back. It is not b/c he detached and GAL. It is not b/c he stopped hovering over her and spending ever free minute around her. It is not b/c he stopped contacting her throughout the day.

"Won't she think I'm rude"? Really!? The H is worried that his wayward wife will think he's being rude? This is an example of how out of kelter the R has been for a long time. The H has to find the man he was designed to be. Women love manly men. That which sets him apart from her. Women may never tell their H what they really want, instead they tell them a bunch of other stuff he wasn't doing. Deep down, she wants that guy that makes her melt all the way down to her toes. What happen to guy? Where did he go? Can he be revived?

By becoming that man, first, then he may have the opportunity to become a better H. If he tries to reverse it, he may see her run for the hills. Sounds crazy? Yeah, but that's the craziness of the WW.