Difrent's Detachment - Attempts at It, Anyway

[DifRent]

Glad it's Saturday morning, as this workweek showed me clearly how much I'm not going to like this new job. It's a great group of people and a really solid culture. But the job itself? Not for me. I will spend the day looking for something new, which is frustrating. I really had hoped this position would be a good and healthy distraction. Now it has the potential to add to my frustrations and depression.

The only good thing has been that it's shifted my focus more to me than to mourning the crumbling of my marriage. WW called while I was at work on Thursday, leaving a message saying she wanted to get together and talk about things maybe over the weekend. I texted back to say I was busy, let's find another time. She called again yesterday - I just can't answer the phone during the workday, but she left no message. So I called back at the end of the day to discover she was at the house... on a Friday evening. Glad I had the heads up before I got home.

When I got back, I needed her to move her car. So I called to ask her to do so, and when I saw her come out of the house, I was really filled with a sense of revulsion and disgust - a sense I hadn't had quite to that degree yet. The way she carried herself just projected a cold woman so unlike the one I loved all these years. I couldn't wait to get in the house, pack, and leave for my mom's for the weekend.

But she asked if I wanted to take a walk to get the mail (a routine we had for years together in the evenings). I kind of chuckled but declined. She said, "I wanted to talk to you, haven't talked in a while. Tell me what's going on." So I sucked it up and sat down to tell her pretty much what was going on the with the job. Didn't lie - said I didn't think it was for me, but I loved the people. She nodded and tried to encourage me - for her own sake, I think... she desperately wants to know that I'm happy. "Anyway," I said, "I need to get going."

She replied, "You know, I really wanted to talk about things, logistics and stuff... we need to separate our cell phones..."

"Yeah, we need to address a lot of things in the course of dismantling all of this, but not now. I'm already late for my plans this evening, and I told you I was busy this weekend. Probably could address a lot of issues through email, too. No need for these meetings and talks."

"Well, I also wanted to say some other things, but I'm worried you will take them as, 'Oh, W wants me back.'"

I said, "Just say what you want to say, you can't control what I think about what you say any more than I can control what you think about what I say."

"I just wanted you to know that I'm very sorry about all this, and I feel really bad."

I have no idea what the best response would have been, but I said, "Well, okay. I'm sure you do. You should. But so what?"

Then she went on about how "this" isn't healthy for her, more tripe about how much she realized I wasn't right for her... we bickered some, I can't remember exactly about what. But as I was gathering my bags I finally said, "There's no point, you've left me and moved on." She made a crack about me not wanting to work and expecting her to "take care" of me - because I had expressed displeasure with the job. This is such a hot button for me, because I worked my ass off on her business and my own and have been devastated that all my work came to naught for me personally, and I couldn't even get an ounce of compassion or support from her about any of it. So I grabbed my things and, yeah, kind of slammed the door on my way out.

I was so irritated by what I sort of considered an ambush on her part: she wanted to talk about "things" this weekend, and when I made it clear I wasn't available, she came home at a time she was pretty sure I would be there so I'd have no choice but to encounter her. I was tired and frustrated from a long week to begin with, but once again, she thinks only of herself these days. Her guilt - she wants me to assuage it somehow. She can stew in it.

As I reminded her during our conversation when she insisted that all I want is to have her back in my arms, "Get over yourself and get it through your head - the woman you are right now, I do not want."

Glad to be out of town. Will focus on me today.