thanks Cali. i should clarify. I often come here when I am at a low point. so that's what you're seeing mostly. but i am getting out of bed and I have been working on myself. Gabs 2.0 has already been born. A week after the BD, I cut my hair and that's when it started. If you want to hear the changes I've made since this began:
-- quit drinking (although I never drank that much) -- quit cannabis -- got a haircut -- started wearing nicer clothes -- trimming my beard close every day -- showering every day and using lots of deoderant -- started riding my bike every day -- started meditating every day -- started going to bed earlier and getting up earlier -- yoga -- reading books on communication skills, anger management, and DB
admittedly I am not eating well, but I'm not hungry, and I have lost weight... but I needed to lose 10 pounds so I'm hoping to keep it off.
i want to comment about the self esteem, confidence, being a man that others respect and admire...etc. this is a strange one for me. trying not to sound vain... but I am already well respected in my community. I have several educational/environmental projects that are well known. I've gone to Haiti to put solar panels on a school. I'm in a band... I wrote a book... I'm the coach of the kid's baseball team. I've met the Governor, and both of our Senators. I've had my face in the paper and on TV for many of these things.. People often come up to me and say I'm an interesting guy... I have a passion for doing good things and trying to make the world a better place and people know that and admire that in me. I am a confident person. But for some reason this has never served me in my relationship. She appreciates what I do but i think she also gets frustrated that all my projects leave little time for her. So if I go out there now and engage in some project that gives me recognition and admiration, I think it would be "more of the same" to her and I'm not sure it would show her much of anything.
The bottom line, I definitely had some bad habits and I didn't give my wife the attention she needed. I have identified several things that needed to change in my life and I am working on them. Gabs 2.0 is not so much about gaining admiration because I've been there and done that. Gabs 2.0 is about being a better husband, which I can't do right now. So I am doing the things I listed above which will hopefully show her that if she did come back I really am a different person now and I would be a better husband. She was convinced that I would never change but it's my job to show her I have changed. And that these changes are not just band-aids to try to get her back. They are real changes. And, I think the more of these changes she sees, and the longer they endure, the more she has to ask herself if they are just temporary changes in an effort to get her back, or maybe I really am changing.
To be clear, I have not groveled or begged since I came to this forum. I really have changed my tact. I understand that being sad and begging makes her not want to be around me and pushes her away further. I learned that here and have taken that to heart.
It is true, I am depressed, and I do have trouble getting out of bed and I have times when I really get down thinking what is happening and I can't block it out of my mind. BUT, I do not show this to her. I have not groveled or cried around her in quite a while and I have made an effort to pretend I'm happy, especially around the kids. When she is there and we talk I use my new communication skills to look her in the eye and really listen to what she's saying. She is noticing. At first she looked away and felt uncomfortable but now she is looking back at me.
A part of me has to believe I'm starting to crack through. I know she doesn't want to see that I'm changing. She doesn't want to believe it.
But I am fueled by a very solid belief that deep down inside her, she loves me. She even has told me that she loves me recently (of course in the middle of a sentence like "I love you and care about you but we are not meant for each other"). But, she is surviving now and moving forward because she has closed her heart and she's not looking down there. But I know it's down there on the other side of that wall she built around her heart. I believe it's going to crack through. I believe the way to crack through is with many of the things I've learned here. I need to give her space and try to slow her down. I need to stop groveling. I need to be the change and not talk about it and promise it.
She has told me before, not long ago, that she knows we are soulmates. I believe if a person says that and means it, they can't just change their mind a few months later.
The main reason she left was not because she didn't love me. It was because I was neglecting her and she didn't feel loved BY me. I agree I did a bad job at that. But I'm showing her how much I love her now. It's going to take some time for her to believe me. But that's all I can do.
I can tell you, in spite of my wife's effort to get out, and get out fast, we have been having some nice interactions lately. Perhaps it's because the kids are around and she wants things to be nice in the house. But one of the rules I haven't been great with, is being aloof. When she comes back from the dentist, I ask her how it was. I engage in a way that I didn't before. I need her to experience Gabs 2.0, which is a person who is really interested in her life. I can tell you, she's not resisting. She is answering my questions and cracks a smile sometimes. I feel this is what I need to do. I need to show her I'm better at communicating and listening and being interested in her. I think it takes her by surprise when I do this. I think this is better than being aloof, for me right now.
OK, enough typing. I just was getting the feeling that those reading this thread thought I was still crying and begging around my W and not doing anything to become Gabs 2.0 when that is not the case. I really feel like a different person already. And I have hope that I'm starting to wear away at that wall she has built around her heart and someday a little crack is going to open up and that love light is going to shine.
