Needing some concrete advice.. Your work is cut out for you.. Give me a next step. I understand self help (activities / exercise / be happy) but I believe if I do nothing the marriage ends!
If you went to live in a foreign country where you did not know the people's language, would you resign to never communicating with them, or would you learn their language? She will not respond to your old language. She has become a foreigner to you. Do you just give up, or are you willing to learn a new language?
It's not a matter of doing nothing. It is a matter of doing what actually works in a stitch with a WW or WAW. It is a matter of looking at this with a different viewpoint. If I tell a newcomer LBH not to even try to talk his way through solving the M problems at this point & time, and not to become Suzie Homemaker, he thinks he's being told to give up.......or he wants to know how long before he can talk his way through it. Yes, I am saying to do none of that type of useless "work" believing that's what it will take to save your M with a WW. You could kill yourself trying to do everything for the little princess, and it would not change the dynamics in the R. She would continue to be a WW.
Fogg gave an excellent POV from the LBH, and based on what we have observed over the years, it describes the majority of LBH'S. They panic, and they do what they believe will work to make things better. They rely on the old technique of talking sense into his W. As one man admitted, "wear her down". The problem is that talking will NOT work on her now. That time frame is long gone.
So, if they can't talk, they act as if they have no clue what else to do. They try to become what they perceive to be the W's idea of a perfect H. They try to do everything she has complained about over the years. Problem is, the time frame has passed for it to be effective. No amount of housework, cooking, laundrying, etc. is going to save the M if she's a WW. She may have told you it was the problem, and at one time it was a portion of it. Presently however, there is a much larger problem and she is not going to tell you what you need to do to turn things around. That's why I am here. I tell you what your W won't.
IMHO, if you have a wayward wife, the LBH has to change the dynamics between the two of them. Otherwise, what he sees as being improvements to becoming a better H is all in vain. It will not change the dynamics and therefore the MR will not survive and/or be healthy.
In trying to get some men to think how they can change the dynamics in the R, it seems to stump them....or they read it as me telling them to give up.
Look at the situation. You have a W who wants to get away from you ASAP. She's done. She feels completely smothered by your presence sucking up her air. Just the sound of your voice over the phone turns her off. (Please don't start saying how she's always contacting you, b/c that is not the same to her. Will talk about that later). She has no good feelings about you, and least of all desire. The respect is gone. You are enemy #1. She is no longer the woman she use to be. She is moving on with whatever makes her feel good in the moment. She is thinking as though she's no longer your W.
Here you are, operating out of fear and pushing. Push, push, push! You pursue with your words, affection, behavior, contacting, etc. You make up excuses, even to yourself, to spend more time with her, or around her. You will do whatever it takes to keep the peace, especially defend yourself. You jump through hoops trying to get her back again. You are thinking like a husband! A scared, pitiful H who is willing to take her sh't as long as she just won't leave you. If this works against you, what can you do? First of all, stop doing and being like the guy in is paragraph!
So, she's running and acting like some girl gone wild, while you are crying, doing flips, and chasing her. You have to change the direction you are going. You become the man she[/u] is chasing. Not the husband......the man. You take your focus off her and she gets interested in you. You start living it up and having a life that does not include her nor based around her schedule, and it starts drawing her attention. You find that attractive guy you once were (or better), and she will be attracted to you. You are not concerned if she sees your changes. You are not concerned about what she does. She sees you moving further away. She gets closer. You continue having a fun and busy lifestyle, while treating her as though she is a nosy neighbor butting into your personal life. She can't control you. She can't bully you. She can't use you.
Are you getting a better idea about changing the dynamics? If the WW believes she is losing her H (he is no longer attracted to her, interested in her, is happy without her, etc.), that has more impact in drawing her back than any of that old stuff you have been doing. If she feels as though the man is dumping her, he suddenly doesn't look so bad.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
