StacieB, Take courage that you're not alone in this. It is so frustrating getting mixed messages. I am in an almost identical situation with my husband. OW was someone we both knew. Something that has helped a great deal besides the messageboard in the telephone coaches. There are days I have felt like pulling the covers over my head and not facing the world. The DB Coaches seem to have insight and perspective where I didn't. They have been extremely helpful.
As far as the blaming and mixed message syndrome...Vernetta (DB Coach) had interesting insight to this. Pysch 101 - what they are stating is reflective of themselves and their own unhappiness. I often wondered why H would cherish me one minute and put me down the next. It goes along with the old saying "misery loves company". If he can make me or others feel bad, he feels a little better about his own situation...ironic huh.
My hopes and prayers are with you during this rollercoaster ride. I commend you for your strength.
