Hello

[714Dad]

Thank you Cali.

I feel very superficial in things. like maybe all these attempts are fake.

Do you just push through those thoughts? GALing = i'm going to take my kayak down to the back bay tomorrow and paddle it for the first time since before my first daughter was born. i might go out past the jetty even.

anyway i use instagram and i don't look at anything else for fear of seeing stuff my W is doing. so is my posting there, of me making the girls pancakes, cooking dinner - it's all the stuff i already used to do. i'm just thinking i'm being more spontaneous with it.

so it's not for me truly and i'm hoping she's seeing it. as mentioned before she said it looks like i'm happier than i've ever been. that just cuts so deep.

should i comment on her posts with positives? like, "so good to see you with old friends" (even though seeing that makes me take a lorazapam and drink a beer at 3pm).

going dark seems impossible with two small children. it also seems like she really wont notice me anyway because her dad and mom are there to help with things. she wont miss me running to cvs at 11:30pm because her dad will, etc. or sitting up and singing to and rocking a feverish baby, because her dad will.

i know i can get other women, a big problem that my wife felt betrayed by was a 21 year old coming on to me when i went back to CSUF to get a BA (I was 32 or 33). I also had someone once leave a note on my bike telling me i was handsome and leaving a phone number. i thought it was funny and told my W, she said
"it must be a joke from one of your students" which made me feel crappy. she didn't mean it like that but it came across.

and all i've done for the past year is tell her how amazing she looks, but my criticizing her feet once in 1999 or something is still brought up. she just cannot forgive me. all of these things that she said were gone have come crashing back in and smothered me.

she says she feels like she spent out entire relationship trying to reassure me that i looked good or attractive. i didn't need compliments, i just cant deal with them well.

anyway, the point being, i could find someone new, but i dont want someone new. i want that big scar on her thigh, i want her hands, i want that cesarean scar where D6 came out, i want her legs, feet, hips, shoulders... i just want everything about her. so maybe it is all physical.

i need to go load my kayak.

thank you everyone for the help.