This situation we are all in stinks. We are going to make big mistakes. I did one this week, where I took some of my W's retracing as 'good' and was too enthusiastic. She pulled back, we argued and I'm back at least four weeks.
Keep going. You can pull this off, it's just a question of time and patience.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Just been trying to give my W as much space as I can
Been at work most of the day then I get home do some house work and make the boys tea W and eldest D are going out for a meal tonight
TBH I find my days are all pretty much the same where as I used to
Get up leave for work before kids were awake and then get home at 4 take S to his tennis get home for arround 8 Play a couple of games on the computer Sometimes chat to W sometimes not so much Then bed ...not much of a life
Now Get up do some housework make breakfast for those that wish to be downstairs go to work come home play with kids for a bit then I might do bath time and bed time with youngest and then tidy house a little more then bed so even now I think ...no wonder our M went down hill I really do not know when we were suppost to do the fun things
So now I am advised to GAL and focus on me and I get this but during the M
I used to go out twice a week and play tennis and do things for me and not as a couple one of the things my W said I put myself and my hobbies before her and her needs....can't change this now
So working on detaching and putting my focus into spending more quality time with my children
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Just been trying to give my W as much space as I can
Been at work most of the day then I get home do some house work and make the boys tea W and eldest D are going out for a meal tonight TBH I find my days are all pretty much the same
this^^ is YOUR Life and you are responsible for changing it. Why are all your days the same?
Ghost, YOU have to change your life and yourself. There is no way around that. What are the obstacles to this?
where as I used to
Get up leave for work before kids were awake and then get home at 4 take S to his tennis get home for arround 8 Play a couple of games on the computer Sometimes chat to W sometimes not so much Then bed ...not much of a life
Now Get up do some housework make breakfast for those that wish to be downstairs go to work come home play with kids for a bit then I might do bath time and bed time with youngest and then tidy house a little more then bed so even now I think ...no wonder our M went down hill I really do not know when we were suppost to do the fun things You are not alone in this situation but the thing is, you CAN do a lot more than you are seeing.
So now I am advised to GAL and focus on me and I get this but during the M I used to go out twice a week and play tennis and do things for me and not as a couple one of the things my W said I put myself and my hobbies before her and her needs....can't change this now it contradicts what you described above, ^^, btw.
So working on detaching and putting my focus into spending more quality time with my children
GAL is NOT the same as spending more time with the children, it's called parenting.
It's valuable for you and the kids. True, it's pretty darn important to their mothers - and it's a turn on to see your children lovingly interact with their father.
But it's for the children AND YOU that you are more involved.
Maybe you can schedule something with the younger ones,
and figure out what the older ones would enjoy doing on a 2 x a month basis*** (***I can't speak for your older kids obviously, but I've found they usually are not as interested in "dad time" as the younger ones are. But they'll do it if it's not too much. This varies!)
But for GAL ---
You need to JOIN something or EXPLORE something or STUDY something or COACH something or VOLUNTEER somewhere or WORK somewhere....
meet new people who do Not know your situation and CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
The sooner the better. That's also for your children to see b/c you are modeling for them
what a man of strength and honor does when he's facing a huge setback.
Do you curl up in the fetal position and whine
OR
do you make the needed changes and adapt to your new life as you direct it the way you want it to go?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Ghost, I have an analogy I hope will assist you in viewing this situation.
What if your life were a novel?
How would you say this chapter is going? (Not so great, eh?)
How would you like the story to go?
What about the next chapters and ultimately the epilogue?
WHO IS THE AUTHOR OF YOUR LIFE? How can you change the story?
Ghost, YOU must be the author
of your life's book. Start now. Change the way the next chapter goes.
Let it begin tomorrow...(or tonight, if need be).
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Last but not least, here's what I said I'd post...
For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter.
I had 3 kids, including a baby, so please don't tell me how hard it is to GAL when you have children or how busy you are. This is not a Herculean task. Sure, it's uncomfortable and sometimes it's a little frightening. But imo Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL.
Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier, more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.
So--
I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.
I coached a girl's softball team for two summers (my older D was on it). I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, ( our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast often, too.
I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv in Hollywood. It went very well.
I learned to cross country ski, & became a better shooter.
I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.
I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans) I loved riding it!
I Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.
I Went skydiving!! OMG I Loved it so much I did it again. I plan on doing it again, soon!
I edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)
I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and really did get in excellent shape.
Looking good made a world of difference to me. I Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.
Remember I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their LONG winters).
I Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.
Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).
Joined the Officer's Wives club, finally, after 15 years of active duty.
(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are now life long friends.)
ALSO I -
Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking
There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.
Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.
Ghost, find something you'd LOVE to do or are are least interested in exploring . OVERCOME THE INERTIA....and you'll be a new man.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
