Hello

[CaliGuy]

I am just going to chop up your post to the points I want to touch on

My wife mentioned that my D6 wanted to something for her birthday with her horse riding instructor... I said I was taking them to San Francisco that weekend and that because I would be gone my three days of the weekend and not need to 'borrow' one of her days I didn't need to 'ask' her.

She, for lack of a better word, freaked out.

Reading up on you... I can relate to you and your W. My W was also the primary bread winner, I worked but for several years my job was more about time/time off and doing the things around the house rather than to contract it out. Put that on paper and I felt my worth was not measurable ... over time I do think my W started resenting me a bit for that.

Your W freaking out here ... thats control. Just accept that for what it is .. she is wanting this all to go her way, you will need to rebuild yourself and start earning some respect from her slowly and gradually (Planting this seed in you... its important)

She ended up calling and i tried my best and remained calm sounding, but my mouth dried out and my heart was racing. She really was yelling at me, saying that she 'agreed to my custody suggestion (even though the mediator endorsed it fully and I originally got the suggestion from a lawyer) because she doesn't want to take the girls away from me..." "But I will go to court and get more custody if you continue to treat me this way."

the phone disconnected once, and i hung up once trying to enforce boundaries, but she called back and that's when she was yelling about court.

by the end i was still calm sounding, even though i had stood up for my side and not caved. i finally redirected (or gave in i guess) when she said that D6 had told her on sunday that she wanted the party. I told my W that she could have just told me that. I went on "threatening going to court is counterproductive and doesn't solve anything for us. you just need to communicate with me and tell me what is going on. you called me sunday night at 11:30 to ask about the mediator meeting - you could have told me then."

she responded, "I've been busy. I get home, eat dinner, and get the girls ready for bed and then don't get a chance by myself until 11:00pm sometimes. Last night they both had really bad growing pains and I didn't get them to sleep till really late."

I replied, trying to validate, "I'm sorry you had such a hard time getting them to sleep."

She was silent.

I went on, "I'm not trying to upset you, I'm not trying to fight. I am being honest with you and giving you what you've said you want."

Then I inadvertently and stupidly brought up some past R stuff and she disagreed with me. I said I didn't want to see her upset, that I hated seeing her upset and that I just wanted to see her smile or laugh or be happy. (ugh).

Part of that 'respect' thing. Look up Wonkas Boundary post. You will need to start putting some boundaries in place, things you just will no longer tolerate, her flipping out, treating you badly, spew, all that ... time to stand up for yourself here a little. Validating is great, but not when its in a reaction manner to appease them while they are spewing venom your way. They are not really receptive at that point anyways right? Just calmly let her know you can continue the discussion when you both can be calm and civil .... and make sure YOU are the one ending all conversations.

she asked if I had the girls and I said no. We'd been 'talking' for an hour, she blamed me for making her take sick time to stay on the phone and brought up again how i had neglected her when our D6 was a baby. "You never just laid down with us and was present, you we're working on the house or the yard. you can't make up for that."

I should have said. "you're right, I wasn't present enough""I would do alot of things differently in retrospect" but I said, "well I'm sorry you remember that. if you look at our photos i think you'll see that i was there and that we did spend time together." She of course replied, "a photo is just a moment, it isn't indicative of time spent - it's just one second."

Well you weren't sitting on your a$$ either ... Thing is 714 the WW will very often re-write your history, they do this in their minds, demonize you, in order to justify them leaving, their actions, shed their own guilt. Truth is this was not an over night process, they latch on to every bad memory, negative issue and focus solely on that forgetting all the good. Its the Baseball term, catch 999 fly balls but you will be remembered for that one you drop.

I just reiterated that I can only be who i am now and what I want to be going forward.This is very good

if i had a job i'd be occupied, but i don't, and my W on tuesday during her diatribe talked about how "I'm spending her money" and all that. that was always an insecurity for me as a stay at home dad, and she always said it was our money or our families money. but now that language is changed.

Own your past, learn from it. Keep the "I'd do many things differently if I could, but I have been working on myself and will continue to do so, thus far I am very please with the progress I have made"

any input at all for from anyone? sound familiar, any advice, any ideas? is her anger a sign that she's still engaged in the R or that she just hates me?

i'm really not doing well with this.

every time i look out i hope to see her coming down the driveway and then coming in and us talking about how to move forward. detaching is so hard.

i told my girls they were super lucky because tonight they get to see the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world. if they tell her that it'll be like i'm pursuing, but how else can i show my girls what a husband is supposed to think of his wife? i want them to know that that's how someone should feel about them. so i say it and if they tell her she'll probably have some ultra-neutral response to them.

God this is so hard. So lonely. So devastating.

any input from anyone?

Your W is angry at the moment. Read up on Sandis WW thread .. it really gives some solid insight on where they are. Her anger being a sign .... just look at it as something she needs to process, she has it that stage in the M where the current M has not lived up to her expectations and she is furious about it ... not fair to you as that fantasy has been fed since she was a little girl and dreamed of Mr Right.

Do not count on that movie type entrance from her ... No Expectations. I had a fit with detaching too .. but got to the point the pain was worse than ripping off that duct tape.

As far as your girls ... you can show them you are a kind loving man, an excellent father, I would not build up your W that way ... do not chop her down either. Kids are seriously smart and learn more by observing than what we say, in these cases .. ACTIONS speak far louder than words. Do not try to plant seeds in your kids and think they are going to deliver plants to your W, do not use them this way (Your W will see it as a tactic and it will backfire) ... be the best father you can

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, I would not wish my last 2 years on anyone .... I have the G Clooney greys to prove it where I had none when this all started.

Small steps, small slow and steady changes in you ... allow yourself time. All the changes you make you r W will think of them just as a trick to get her back .... she will not trust them .. but over time they stick, over time she will learn to accept them, as she starts seeing things clearer through the fog she is in.

Hang in there.