Sorry to be late here as I just saw this. I will attempt to answer your questions in the best way I can that will make things, hopefully, more clearer for you.
Validating is just acknowledgement of a person's feelings about a particular matter or situation that is present which doesn't mean you have to AGREE to it all the time. It simply means that you are witnessing the person's thoughts/feelings and you hear them. Be genuine when you do any validation. Otherwise, it just comes out like it's a robocall.
In fact, I'll illustrate a perfect DBing example the other day with a friend later on in this post. More later.
I would like to address some of the areas that you feel are quite confusing as how it lines up with DBing principles.
(19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.)
What Sandi is trying to point out in rule #19 is that the LBS needs to get off the pity couch and seize life by their hands. Their happiness is not tied to the WAS. No. You are responsible for your own happiness so you need to stop being needy and clingy because those are not very attractive qualities at all. It's a real downer to be around someone with a very dark cloud around them all mopey.
What Sandi meant by "faking it" because your spouse will see through it is behaving like a plastic Ken doll with a plastic smile and just going through the motions just to give out the appearance of being happy. That is more like a game show host...."hey, look at me! I am the Fun Factory...watch me." Plllft! When one is engaged in GAL activities or being okay with doing some solo activities, then the obsessive thoughts about the WAS fades away because you are TOO busy having fun. You are involved in the activity that absorbs your attention and then you find yourself smiling, laughing, and joking around. That is the key right there.
As I continued validating (or what I thought was validating) she seemed to get more emotional. "Do you know how many years I wanted to have a calm conversation?" "Why now? Why when it's too late?" I said I guess I never had a big catalyst before.
^^ that right there is the key to being truly heard. We all have an intrinsic need to be heard by loved ones...especially the spouse because it is the glue that really bonds a couple at the emotional level. It seems that, from what W said up there, that you two have had some Bickerson's bickering in the M relationship....true? If you say "yes", then I'd suggest that you find better ways of communicating that is respectful and honors the other person's point of view.
Any secret weapons? Phrases? Attitudes? Ideas?
There are no secret weapons or magic bullets here. However, you can learn how to communicate and listen better. In fact, I've made some book recommendations to PigPen's thread here in Newcomer's yesterday. You might want to check them out.
Now you are all curious about my validation techniques with a friend recently...right? Alrighty...here we go. It was a brief text exchange. Paraphrasing here.
Friend: Just received a notice that we are to do OT for 8 weeks. Wonka: OT for 8 weeks??!!! What a grindstone. Company A is really whipping you guys Friend: Yeah, it's gonna kill me, but Daughter has $4K worth of dental appts Wonka: $4K??! Dang..that is a lot of $$ for some pearly work. Hope her dad contributes here Friend: He said he would help Wonka: Phew! Glad to hear this
Notice that I did not offer advice or try to fix her problems. That is what validation is...acknowledging her frustrations and struggles. I don't get sucked in or get involved.
