Hello

[714Dad]

Well...

Tuesday was my day to get the girls. (We're on a 2-2-3 custody arrangement).

My wife mentioned that my D6 wanted to something for her birthday with her horse riding instructor... I said I was taking them to San Francisco that weekend and that because I would be gone my three days of the weekend and not need to 'borrow' one of her days I didn't need to 'ask' her.

She, for lack of a better word, freaked out.

She ended up calling and i tried my best and remained calm sounding, but my mouth dried out and my heart was racing. She really was yelling at me, saying that she 'agreed to my custody suggestion (even though the mediator endorsed it fully and I originally got the suggestion from a lawyer) because she doesn't want to take the girls away from me..." "But I will go to court and get more custody if you continue to treat me this way."

the phone disconnected once, and i hung up once trying to enforce boundaries, but she called back and that's when she was yelling about court.

by the end i was still calm sounding, even though i had stood up for my side and not caved. i finally redirected (or gave in i guess) when she said that D6 had told her on sunday that she wanted the party. I told my W that she could have just told me that. I went on "threatening going to court is counterproductive and doesn't solve anything for us. you just need to communicate with me and tell me what is going on. you called me sunday night at 11:30 to ask about the mediator meeting - you could have told me then."

she responded, "I've been busy. I get home, eat dinner, and get the girls ready for bed and then don't get a chance by myself until 11:00pm sometimes. Last night they both had really bad growing pains and I didn't get them to sleep till really late."

I replied, trying to validate, "I'm sorry you had such a hard time getting them to sleep."

She was silent.

I went on, "I'm not trying to upset you, I'm not trying to fight. I am being honest with you and giving you what you've said you want."

Then I inadvertently and stupidly brought up some past R stuff and she disagreed with me. I said I didn't want to see her upset, that I hated seeing her upset and that I just wanted to see her smile or laugh or be happy. (ugh).

she asked if I had the girls and I said no. We'd been 'talking' for an hour, she blamed me for making her take sick time to stay on the phone and brought up again how i had neglected her when our D6 was a baby. "You never just laid down with us and was present, you we're working on the house or the yard. you can't make up for that."

I should have said. "you're right, I wasn't present enough" but I said, "well I'm sorry you remember that. if you look at our photos i think you'll see that i was there and that we did spend time together." She of course replied, "a photo is just a moment, it isn't indicative of time spent - it's just one second."

I just reiterated that I can only be who i am now and what I want to be going forward.

I had an appointment at a group interview for a job, so I just said "I have an appt. at 10am, so I need to go, goodbye" and after she said something I hung up.

I got D6 and D3 from my in-laws, raced to my parents, dropped them off, then went to the interviews which lasted till 2pm.

They went well, but it wasn't for the job i was expecting and I was just honest with them saying i wanted something in sales rather than admin / customer relations.

i went home, felt stupid, prayed, saw my girls, then my parents took me and D6 and D3 out to eat.

Thursday I played with D3 and D6, went to a neighborhood park, then I had my brother and his wife and kids over to eat, then my niece spent the night.

we had an afternoon thunderstorm which is super rare here and they played in the rain.

I gave them a bath, got them ready, and let them watch tv while i did dishes and then took my own shower. Then we read a bit, then i took the older two upstairs, then laid with D3 till she was asleep. Then I got up and finished DR.

I feel really hopeless right now.

I know exactly how she felt all those years when I said I couldn't forgive her for the things she'd done in the past. Now I'm having to swallow my own medicine and it's so, so horrible. But I was here when I complained, whereas she was able to leave and seemingly not look back.

I want to ask how she can feel this or hold onto those things, but it would be nothing but hypocrisy on my part.

I just want to hold her hand or to see her smile at me. it just hurts and hurt and hurts. and when i try to pray to accept this and for strength and to be better i just break down and sob and beg that my family not be split up, that she will feel some love, that her memory will be unclouded, that her heart will soften.

but the hopelessness is so pervasive. I read DR and feel content, "oh it's not so bad, it can work" but then i don't see her or hear from her at all - no way to be different around her. and I feel it all vaporizing around me.

and now it's a 3 day weekend of not having the girls and feeling alone. I want to go kayaking tomorrow, but it will be alone.

if i had a job i'd be occupied, but i don't, and my W on tuesday during her diatribe talked about how "I'm spending her money" and all that. that was always an insecurity for me as a stay at home dad, and she always said it was our money or our families money. but now that language is changed.

any input at all for from anyone? sound familiar, any advice, any ideas? is her anger a sign that she's still engaged in the R or that she just hates me?

i'm really not doing well with this.

every time i look out i hope to see her coming down the driveway and then coming in and us talking about how to move forward. detaching is so hard.

i told my girls they were super lucky because tonight they get to see the smartest and most beautiful woman in the world. if they tell her that it'll be like i'm pursuing, but how else can i show my girls what a husband is supposed to think of his wife? i want them to know that that's how someone should feel about them. so i say it and if they tell her she'll probably have some ultra-neutral response to them.

God this is so hard. So lonely. So devastating.

any input from anyone?