Quote: but how much do I listen too? How much of myself am I supposed to give? and why aren't I a little bit happy about this big step? I don't get it.
Stacie,
Wow. There are a lot of things going on here.
One, you do not believe so much of what he has said in the past; deep down you really don't believe what you are hearing.
Two, you have been hurt for so long and have accepted your fate and learned to protect yourself, you do not want to take the chance he is sincere, then have everything collapse out from under you again. You would rather be alone and sad for awhile, than go through the terrible soul-tearing, gut-wrenching heartache.
Three, you do not have to give anything right now. Right now, all he wants is for YOU to listen. Remember, he choose to come to you. He has fought this for so long, it likely is a relief and the odds are he may not remember exactly what he says; he just needs to say it to clear his thoughts. Just listen, because somewhere in there he is TRYING to tell you something. Something he may not be clear on, but something he feels he needs to say.
And don't push or ask too many questions. If there is something you are confused about, ask? But do not overwork the problem and though the tendency will be great (I am guilty) do not disagree with him, even on trivial matters. A lot of what he is saying is not relevant; that is why it is so important to listen, but he believes he has to say it.
This is huge. After some time to process the information and when you feel comfortable, meet again in a neutral place and express your concerns. And gauge his thinking then?
Wow, I'm very pragmatic, aren't I. As my M has derailed and I have no idea how to get it back on track. I guess time is an ally.
DBB, You always give me good advice, thank you. Last night we talked again...he wasn't as positive with me and I'm really not sure how much more I can listen to when it comes to OW. He misses her, I understand. He's been through a lot in the last couple months (what about me). I feel bad for her, she made me feel this, she made feel that. Everything he says, I know (and think he knows) are temporary feelings....like all the compliments he gets from her, how she makes him feel good about himself. One day he's pyschologicaly on... can explain things to me rationaly (and understand it), the next day he is back pedaling (to a certain extent). I know he'll probably call tonight but I'm feeling real low, I don't want to hear anymore how he misses her and how heartbroken he is. I think he just wants to see if she'll pursue him..that would prove to him how much he is wanted by her, this would make him happy. Here I'am wanting to make him happy....I'm lending him my car to drive to Virginia so he can go rock climbing with friends and get away from everything. I think I did this stupid thing because I need a vacation from him..I need him to go so I can get my sanity back. Once again always the helper, always there for him...always trying to make him happy. Somebody shoot me . Enough about my stupid life. How are things going with you? Are the kids doing well? I hope your hanging in there. Take Care, stacie
That helper instinct is going to be hard to rid yourself of; it is human nature. And yes, you need a break from him and from the situation. I realize it is hard to back up, but it might be a 180 for you, maybe ask if he has another way to travel or get someone to ride with?
He keeps talking about her, because he wants to justify what he has done. You'll notice he keeps saying she made me feel this or that. Baloney. She did not make him feel anything; he did.
I noticed there were no words in there about how he feels about her? I noticed he wants to be pursued, again so he can rationalize his behavior.
Impossible, just keep yourself neutral and listen and when he's gone, take a breather. Relax. Try and do not obsess or try to figure out what he is doing, because you have NO idea.
Strange feeling here today. Not detached yet. But moving away from the hurt. Read, if you get a chance, the letter I wrote myself today.
Bad day here. W told me I have to accept the fact it is over, she is proceeding with the legal part and I need to quit having false hope.
So, I can't be around here (the bb). All these stories of hope and positive interactions with WAS depress me.
Hang in. Take care. Don't know if I'll ever understand this or get through the pain and sadness, because I'll be reminded everytime I see or talk to her.
Hi DBB, I can see by your post your having a hard time...When will I let go? Six months into this I'm still asking myself the same question. H ended up taking my car....and I once again lent him money. Everyone has told me that this was a stupid thing to do but I really think it was the only thing I could do for myself. He's gone for over a week and I think it is the only way I may be able to save my sanity and maybe truly detach from this whole thing. I gave him the completed D papers on Wednesday, now it is up to him to finish them and file. I dropped off my car and the money...we talked about R a little, he just got irritable, said he was trying to do the right thing for everybody. I told him this vaca. may be a good time to be away from everbody and everything especially me...give him time to truly think. I feel he is already decided and is just going through the motions of doing the "right thing". He called late to apologize for his attitude earlier...talked for a short time, I told him to have a good time. My dog woke me at 6:30am (on a Sat.)H was standing there, he wanted to drop off my P.O. key, last night told him it was no big deal (he was glad because he didn't want to stop by so early (wanted to get early start)he asked to borrow a towel, hugged me said he would see me when he got home.???? Alien's can never figure them out and I'm burning myself out trying. My hope is I can go through this week and detach completley, so when he gets back I can be in a place where I can just not care about anything concerning H or OW anymore. At first my hope was that H would go on this trip and come to his senses but I know that is an expectation....I can't have those anymore. Like you I'm tired of being sad, hurt and broken hearted everytime I see him. I've been so emotional it's starting to effect my health..very large ulcer developing...one of the reasons that I haven't been eating well. It's time for my merri-go-round to stop because no matter what happens I have to take care of myself, my kids and my home w/ or w/out him. All the advice you've gotten on your post have been great, you need to hang in there, take care of yourself...what will be will be but in the meantime you always have a place to go and talk about it. Good advice! Now if I could just follow it, I'd be better off too. Try to have a good day, write later. Take Care, stacie
I wish I had a positive outlook for you right now. No, going away does not help them "think" about the M and R, I believe it only convinces them they are doing the "right" thing.
Today, I thought she could be doing all the things she has been doing, going to work, going to school, to study, out with friends and still be married. Actually, she was doing all these things and I thought I was supporting her. Then I realized, now she does not have to be anywhere at certain times, she can go to her own place, talk to who she wants, come and go without telling anyone, not take care of children, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. She is and wants to be single. And I guess this is what will be. I so much want to tell her how much better the M and R and family would be; but of course she is unlikely to listen.
I know it is impossible, and you convince yourself you feel better, but you've got to let H take care of himself.
DBB, Don't worry about encouraging words...I've pretty well accepted my fate. To top my evening off I went on a date with a very nice man who is in the same situation. We spent alot of time talking about our Rs and I came to a shocking realization...there is nothing my H likes about me, I couldn't think of one positive thing he has ever said that he has liked about me. This date did make me see that I'm ok just as I'am, I've always been ok with who I am but since this whole thing started I've felt pretty shaky about who and what I'am. I cried all the way home, I'm not sure why. Thanks for listening, don't ever worry about trying to lift my spirits, just knowing that your there helps. I hope your feeling a little better, it's still a long road to go. Take Care, stacie
You cried, because it seems it is the only thing your heart can do. I've got to stop mourning, but I do not know how. I am physically and mentally worn out and it breaks my heart everytime I see her. The distance is so great.
Hang in. I could not imagine going on a date. I told someone earlier, I don't think my emotions could go through this again.
Ironically, I understand more about myself and the dynamic now and the M could be so much better.
DBB, I see a lot of things that can make my M better too but I doubt I'll ever get that chance. I went out last night because I needed to have some fun, I'm looking for friends to talk to and go out with. It was the hardest thing I've evere done, I believe thats why I cried all the way home and then I got angry because I find this all so unfair. I will tell you it has been nice not having to see him today and if he hadn't stopped here at 6:30 in the am before he left for Virginia I wouldn't have had to see him yesterday....it's a big relief not to wonder, read expressions and listen to crap for the next couple of days...it was worth giving him my car, WHAT A NEEDED BREAK. I know the pain DBB, I know when he gets back I'll be right back to that pain every time I see him. I ask myself if it ever goes away..I can see it gets a little better with time but that doesn't help. I'm always there to listen if needed DBB, take care of yourself and hang in there...we will come out of this (eventually). stacie
You are stronger now in the R you have with yourself. I've come to learn more about me in the last 30 days, than really in my lifetime.
Tonight, I am sad, but I'm ok. I'm starting to let go (SLOWLY) and understand the issues I cannot control and those I can. And being honest with myself. Some said, accurately, it is about drawing the spouse back, not pulling them. If you pull them, they resist, if you are open to them coming back, then you can let go of the anger and frustration and sadness and focus on yourself and family.
And I realize at this moment, this is what I have been doing, resisting myself. Fighting, worrying, agonizing, worrying over events of which I have no control. Wow, typing it out, I begin to see it. I may have imagined it, but I felt now something go through me. Not a jolt or an epiphany, but a subtle, quiet change. Not a moment of clarity, but a moment of recognition.
I was about to write, there are more bad days ahead, but I am ready. You know what? From this moment forward, there are NO more bad days.
. Enough about my stupid life. How are things going with you? Are the kids doing well? I hope your hanging in there. Take Care, stacie