It's over

[Azzork]

Alright, BE. Here are some thoughts. Im not going to bash.....just thinking out loud for the future.

I had a suspicion, that turned out to be wrong, that her "friend" may have gone with them on the trip. He lives right by where I work. So I did (probably not a good idea) drive by his house on Sunday morning and evening to see if his car was there. Apparently he got a new car because I didn't see his truck but here is what happened.

Im sure by now, you know this was a terrible idea. What did you hope to gain by going there? What would you have learned if his truck was there? What would you have learned if it wasnt there? Would any of the things you would have learned changed anything?

Not only did you drive there, but you did it TWICE? And Im guessing you didnt just drive by a random house in a subdivision somewhere if he NOTICED that you were cruising by. Youre better than this, man.

This was fruitless as I knew it would be.

In general, I find that if you already know the answer, theres no point in asking the WAW the question. ESPECIALLY if it is related to R talks. All that making her say it does is hurt you.

When we get home, son asks me before we get into the house if I can stay until he goes to bed. I tell him "you have to ask mom."

I follow her and tell her that I'm not going to stay and that it is fine.

I had no intention of staying so as not to not create turmoil. I tell my son I can't stay and call my daughter from upstairs to say hi and bye.

You already knew things were in a rough position between you and W. You know she isnt going to want you there. Why would you have your S put your W in the terrible position of having to break his heart or to allow you to stay? The entire episode could have been avoided if you just said you were busy.

After that I say "so I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk?" (because the night prior we had agreed to talk about the possibility of trying. Or at least that is what I thought. Stupid me).

Wait, what? One of the biggest things that I took away from DR was about timing. If theres something that you want, you cant ask for it at a time when your spouse is going to say no. I used to ask my W to do the dishes as I was walking out the door and she was going back to bed in the morning. Of course she never did them! What did you REALLY think she was going to say at this moment? You already had her in a corner with the dinner thing. Timing, you know?

I threw more truth darts at her and told her that this is typical of her. She does something that has consequences and then turns it around and blames it on me. I told her that anyone who is close to our situation that I have spoken to about it that I have ALWAYS told the full story which includes MY OWN ROLE IN IT. My depression. My withdrawal. My brief slip up with another woman. Because I OWN IT and am accountable for it.

I then tell her that she, on the other hand, takes no responsibility for anything. I tell her how I have been shunned by her friends who have known me for almost 15 years. How her mother ignored me the last time I saw her etc. I said that obviously she has shared one side of the story with these people because the perception they have is that BEC caused all of this.

Im not sure that these are "truth darts", BEC. It sounds a lot like you are blaming her for this. A wise person once told me that no matter how flat you make it, a pancake always has two sides. I think this is your problem here. You just CANT tell the whole story, because you dont KNOW her side. So while you think you are being fair, its still not a complete story. Just because you may not AGREE with her side of the story does not make it any less valid.


The rest of it [censored]. I wouldnt take too much stock in it though. She wanted to hurt you and knows how, so thats what she said.



In my opinion (which I know counts for nothing), a lot of this came on, because you couldnt leave well enough alone. A lot of your posting up there is how W did something and you reacted by keeping things going. Following her, calling her....trying to prove to her that you are right and she is not. As another wise person said, "do you want to be right or do you want to be married?"