LBS trying to get it right

[Ontheup]

Ghost

Sandi is right

As per my earlier

"Women are not attracted to needy men. end of. They are attracted to confident men"
They want a man they can respect and respects them.

Its just fact, laws of nature.
Think back to what your wife was first attracted to you.. I bet it wasn't because you begged her to go out with you...id put money on because you were confident and interesting maybe even a bit hard to get ??

So if you are determined to try and save your marriage then you need to become that man again.
How do you do this when you're in the same house and walking on eggs shells all the time analysing every little thing she says or does? pfff I just don't know buddy.
Its very very hard.

[ATPeace]

Huddy thank you for checking in I will take a read of your sitch

It's the detaching that is the difficult bit

Came In from my night out W asked me nothing about it which is fine

We then spent about 30 mins just chatting about her day and what she has been doing with the kids I was able to speak quite freely and the conversation flowed ...I guess this is not detaching ?

Sandi2 She has mentioned the respect and lack of it during one of our conversations since S

When I think about my situation it is so similar to many ....one has to wonder why many of us make the same mistakes

[Ontheup]

Because we're human and we all do the same things

[ATPeace]

Ontheup thank you

You are spot on with your comments

Today when I was chatting to her it was more like old days I almost forgot we were S for a while during the convo

Defiantly got to stay away from the egg shells

And try to be myself whilst giving her respect all without perusing her

[ATPeace]

Huddy I was up till 3 am reading your stich to part 5 you are amazing and have come a long way

So the main question I have is I see a big differnce between how you have been dealing with things and how I have

The conversation between my W and I Flows and it always has sence S we both want to stay in the house and get along for the kids

We both want different end goals

I know if I start detaching and doing less for her and not talking to her this will change the dynamics of my position I fully believe that if I do this and change how she feels about being here then she would not think twice about selling the house

Many of the kind people here have been telling me over and over to move on and I am starting to feel less pain ....they must be getting sick of me not listening fully

I do know I can have no more R conversations with her

[ATPeace]

Fogg you say I need to get to the position where she feels I am moving on with our without her the difficult thing for me is to know "what is moving on"
I want to continue to have her and the kids under the same roof where I hope I'm can build a R over time however I have to let go of the current R And M

So what does letting go mean

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Ghost,

I've been busy with things in RL and could not post here as often, but wanted to check in on your situation.

I'm going to give you a post about GAL later. But for now, have to say that is the single biggest most important thing YOU CAN DO to really detach.

You must GAL to Detach....

(I don't believe you Can detach without GAL.)


GAL + PMA + Time = Detachment and sometimes, contentment.

Hi I realise this marriage is over it has been extremely hard for me to come to terms with this and I still cannot quite believe there is nothing I can do right now to try to turn things around.

The issue you are struggling with is misdirected. You THINK that if you fix You, then she will come back. Almost like an equation

but I'm telling you 2 things you are slipping past...

1) work on You FOR YOU. TO become the best You that you can be and that always always means your life is better. It's always worth it.

2) When you make the changes that are needed, (for you to really self actualize)

then you are going to have to turn all this over to the Universe -

(or God or "the Big Guy" or whatever you call the "Source of all", ETC) but let it go

Turn it over, hold your head high and go in peace.

Because then and only then, will you have done all you can do...and thus, must let the rest go and make the best of the remaining years on earth.

Paradoxically, once you have let her go and put your focus on YOUR LIFE and YOUR YEARS HERE...it may awaken her.

It may not. But imo, the best chance of getting her back and working on the r, is when you let go of it to work on You

and stop "Fixing" her, which has never worked and has been a destructive force in your m.

If she does not awaken and want to reconcile, then so be it.

You will still be so much better off than if you continue to spin your wheels in misery and radiate your neediness to your w AND kids.

Also, the "father time" -- first, do your absolute best. Are you?

I can't tell if this is all new to you or if you are doing fine. But it will bring you comfort and lessen your loneliness. 4 kids?! What a blast!

However, I'm not crazy about the constant feedback from your w, about how you parent.

At some point, you will need to tell her that while you know she truly means well --really = you want to work this out yourself, getting to know each child, problem solving together, exploring and playing cultivating a one on one with each,

(which your wife is NOT a part of & would not have been part of inside the m either. This is Your Territory)

and thus, you are "not inviting comment"..

besides... is becoming the best DAD you can become, something she's an expert in?

OR Do you need her feedback for now? If so, can you explain why?



So what are my next steps ??

see ^^ and below

GAL + PMA + TIME...= a Happier ------DETACHED Ghost...

We are living together and will continue to do something whilst we are getting along. We have four children 2 years old 12year old 14 year old and 17 year old

What should I be doing over the coming months to to try to build on a new relationship with W is there anything ?

STOP making the R with her your focus! Your focus is NOT HER LIFE or a Relationship with her. Your focus is YOUR LIFE...

YOU MUST SEE THIS^^^^...


She tells me that she is not attracted to me anymore and that it was going over the last few years


We do get along with each other I am just not sure that I can manage to adjust our relationship from married to friends ...tho I realise right now I do not have any say in it

Is it harder or easier to D'bust when living together

Is it even possible for an attraction to be formed again ?

I would be greatful for any advice ....I do not want to move on sell the house and split up our family if we do this then I will see even less of my children so will she and I am thinking if I am lonley now it will be much more lonley in seperate houses

Many thanks

Gary

[25yearsmlc]

Fogg you say I need to get to the position where she feels I am moving on with our without her the difficult thing for me is to know "what is moving on"

Good question. How about Releasing your wife to her "mission"? Let her go. Maybe she will find treasure in her journey, maybe she will see it in you OR maybe not...but you Must let her go..

Not b/c you don't care

but b/c she insists on it and you are listening to & abiding by her demand.

I want to continue to have her and the kids under the same roof where I hope I'm can build a R over time however I have to let go of the current R And M

So what does letting go mean

In some ways it's like seeing your child off to college. They are on a "mission" but you cannot go with them on it. It's a puzzle she has to solve herself, you cannot be standing over her shoulder to move a piece to "Solve it" (FIXING)

she has to do this herself.

Let her work on the puzzle while you find one for yourself. We will call your puzzle, GAL + PMA

and helping you actually LIVE ^^^that

[roist]

Sandi, in addition to the 37 rules, GAL etc how does one get back this respect? Are there certain things that can be done specifically for that? I'll post a more specific version of this q on my thread later, so as not to hyjack ghosts thread.

Best of luck ghost. Limbo is tough.

[Huddy]

Hi Sandi2

Not wanting to hijack Ghost's thread, and by reading your rules, the respect thing is tied to confidence. I finally feel I am now regaining my confidence and people at work have said that. Onwards!