Help! Now I'm the other Women?

[ObiWan]

Let me start by saying this is the toughest thing you'll ever have to go through, but you will be a better person on the other side, if you really do embrace DB.

This is great, here I go again trying to save the little relationship the kids have left with him. My question why is this up to me? I won't lie to them but I did try to explain to them that their father is going through a crisis in his life and hopefully he will snap out of it soon, they need to be patient and express their feelings to him.

you can be a comforting mother to the kids, but it may be a good 180 for you to put them on the phone with him when they are upset, or let them talk to him ALONE when they are upset, instead of jumping in to fix things. You are trying to fix something that HE IS DOING. Sure you have some of the blame for the sitch, but if he is F'ing up his R with the kids, it's up to him to fix it. Do a 180. Stop doing it. R's can be like a tandem bike, the more one does in a given area (pedaling) the less the other has to do. Let him be responsible for his behavior.

obsessing on the OW

- ok it's hard to not obsess but take some comfort in the fact that he hasnt made up his mind; he's in a delusional state of lust right now and isnt looking past what he's giving up. He was hurting in your sitch, and is trying to stop the pain by running away. Back off, let him be, and stop thinking about it - that's called crazymaking and all it does is drive you nuts. Read and reread that link DBB sent. Once you get it, it makes it easier to ignore the static they throw your way.

Do you think maybe I can't accept that I could have been so wrong about somebody, I just can't let go

you are taking something you have no DIRECT control over (his actions) and making it your fault. It's not. It will be your fault if you dont realize that you cant directly control your H, but you can control your reactions to what he does and says, and that will have a POWERFULL effect on what he does and says. It takes 1 to tango. It's true.

I won't take on the responsibility of filing but I will fill out the forms and write out the final stipulation, I will hand it over to H and were it goes from there is up to him.

That may be premature. Sure your sitch wont be resolved as long as OW is there, but you can back off and work on yourself in the meantime. It will drive him nuts if he made a mistake. IF you hand him the packet, you HAVE to be ready and prepared for the possibility that he will fill them out. Good for you that you wont fill them out for him, but dont make the ultimatum until you've given DB a month or 2 to improve yourself.

now - preaching over - can you think of specific things that he's complained about in the past, that you agree you'd like to fix in yourself, that you feel you'd be a better person if you did fix them? If so - pick one and do it. Also, try to detach a little, and TRY to have some fun - I'm not talking about a knock down, drag out, 2 week cruise, but something small and simple that used to make you happy, or may make you happy.

Go to a movie, get a massage or facial, go to the gym and run for an hour, etc. Do something for you - when you are feeling a little better about yourself, and well reseted, it's WAY easier to act like everything is ok in front of him.

Trust me, it's important for a possible reconciliation, as well as for your own well being.

Hang in there. DBB has some good advice too.