Hang in. At least he talking to you and about R stuff. It is frustrating, but you sort of know how he feels, even if it is not what you want to hear. W I have not had an hour of conversation cumulatively in forever. I've talked to her for about two minutes today and yesterday. And certainly no talk of R or M, except her saying, "I'm not interested in working on the M."
And you tell him what plans YOU and D have made for the Birthday and he is welcome to attend. And do NOT try to "fix" things between them. She needs to tell him how she feels, so he will hear it.
And I wonder everyday if she is going to call and then I am disappointed if she does not or if we talk for less than 2 minutes. So, we cannot obsess over that.
Like now, she just called and talked to the kids. God, I miss her.
Lots of questions and no answers. So do for you and D; it is all you can do.
If you are interested, go to Piecing and read "Piece and Quiet" and "Broken Pieces II" if you want to read about my situation.
Hi DBB, I still have some hope, he did say things that make me believe that he hasn't yet made up his mind or it could be just my imagination. Do you think maybe I can't accept that I could have been so wrong about somebody, I just can't let go.. there is this little voice that keeps telling me it's not over (No matter how many times I tell that voice it is over). Anyway I've read some of your thread but I haven't finished yet, I will I'm very interested in your situation, you've been very helpful to me. I just wish your take on my last conversation w/ H left me feeling more positive, I know you were honest. Well I know how you feel about missing the other, I miss H more now that I've talked to him then ever. Take care of yourself. stacie
Yes, there is that little voice, wishing for this not to be over, but to start over, but then wonder why we are putting ourselves through this pain, when decisions seem to be made. Are we stupid, stubborn, wise? Then I think, if by some miracle, she comes back, I would wonder everyday if she were going to leave again and I know I could not go through that pain.
It does kill you when they don't talk to you or when they do, for a short time. I used to go look at the phone to see if she called, then I did not want to talk to her when she did.
Argggghhh. I would look at your conversation in a positive light. He does not appear to have made up his mind. He is being as honest with you as he can. And it appears, while it make take awhile, he does call if you do not.
W will call when I don't. It may take awhile and she may not talk long, but she does call.
DBB, Well I read detachment, thank you. Today I did something that was pretty hard but in the same respect I felt like a ton was lifted off my shoulders...I went to the County Courthouse and picked up the divorce packet. I won't take on the responsibility of filing but I will fill out the forms and write out the final stipulation, I will hand it over to H and were it goes from there is up to him. I have been through all I can take, the not knowing, the questioning everything said and every action taken. I'm tired. The questions you had last night- Why are we putting ourselves through this pain? I know the answer is because we love our spouses, what we had and our marriages...but what about loving ourselves, respecting ourselves. After reading detachment I know the only way for me to detach is to let go of everything..the pain, the wondering..the waiting for the other shoe to drop. Would that truly go away if he came back...wouldn't I always wait, wonder about the next time. I know he is far from being done with his MLC and I don't know if that will ever be over. Maybe I just need to accept that he is truly happy living his life without me and take stock that we had twenty years together, be happy with that and move on. I have been on the verge of tears every other day now but I can't manage to cry anymore...maybe this is truly a sign of acceptance. I'm sorry if my post brings you down, but I'd like to hear your thoughts...Take Care, stacie
Let me start by saying this is the toughest thing you'll ever have to go through, but you will be a better person on the other side, if you really do embrace DB.
Quote: This is great, here I go again trying to save the little relationship the kids have left with him. My question why is this up to me? I won't lie to them but I did try to explain to them that their father is going through a crisis in his life and hopefully he will snap out of it soon, they need to be patient and express their feelings to him.
you can be a comforting mother to the kids, but it may be a good 180 for you to put them on the phone with him when they are upset, or let them talk to him ALONE when they are upset, instead of jumping in to fix things. You are trying to fix something that HE IS DOING. Sure you have some of the blame for the sitch, but if he is F'ing up his R with the kids, it's up to him to fix it. Do a 180. Stop doing it. R's can be like a tandem bike, the more one does in a given area (pedaling) the less the other has to do. Let him be responsible for his behavior.
Quote: obsessing on the OW
- ok it's hard to not obsess but take some comfort in the fact that he hasnt made up his mind; he's in a delusional state of lust right now and isnt looking past what he's giving up. He was hurting in your sitch, and is trying to stop the pain by running away. Back off, let him be, and stop thinking about it - that's called crazymaking and all it does is drive you nuts. Read and reread that link DBB sent. Once you get it, it makes it easier to ignore the static they throw your way.
Quote: Do you think maybe I can't accept that I could have been so wrong about somebody, I just can't let go
you are taking something you have no DIRECT control over (his actions) and making it your fault. It's not. It will be your fault if you dont realize that you cant directly control your H, but you can control your reactions to what he does and says, and that will have a POWERFULL effect on what he does and says. It takes 1 to tango. It's true.
Quote: I won't take on the responsibility of filing but I will fill out the forms and write out the final stipulation, I will hand it over to H and were it goes from there is up to him.
That may be premature. Sure your sitch wont be resolved as long as OW is there, but you can back off and work on yourself in the meantime. It will drive him nuts if he made a mistake. IF you hand him the packet, you HAVE to be ready and prepared for the possibility that he will fill them out. Good for you that you wont fill them out for him, but dont make the ultimatum until you've given DB a month or 2 to improve yourself.
now - preaching over - can you think of specific things that he's complained about in the past, that you agree you'd like to fix in yourself, that you feel you'd be a better person if you did fix them? If so - pick one and do it. Also, try to detach a little, and TRY to have some fun - I'm not talking about a knock down, drag out, 2 week cruise, but something small and simple that used to make you happy, or may make you happy.
Go to a movie, get a massage or facial, go to the gym and run for an hour, etc. Do something for you - when you are feeling a little better about yourself, and well reseted, it's WAY easier to act like everything is ok in front of him.
Trust me, it's important for a possible reconciliation, as well as for your own well being.
Hang in there. DBB has some good advice too.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
one last thing - dont break down and cry in front of him. Put on either a happy or unemotional face, then come here and vent, rant, journal your day, etc.
It helps.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
Quote: I have been on the verge of tears every other day now but I can't manage to cry anymore...maybe this is truly a sign of acceptance.
Stacie,
I understand you want something to happen and now. W has only been gone less than a month, but I do not like being in this state of limbo.
You certainly do want the H or M back the way it was or is and are thinking any action is better than inaction.
It is likely at this moment, you have let go and likely will bring peace whatever happens. You will know in your heart.
It is difficult if not impossible to understand. W has been distant the last couple of days, calling only to talk to the children. And this hurts, because I want to hear her voice and then I begin to wonder if something is going to happen and I know I cannot think like that. I guess I want something to happen, but I'm honestly not sure what.
Bill, Thanks for all the advice, I will try. I talked to H a couple of times today and I have to say a couple of times I became really irritated w/his attitude. He gets mad when I call and he's not home because he knows I know were he is but when things come up w/the kids...such as a child staying home from school, he needs to know why (small town). Whenever he is w/ Ow for a long period I get treated like crap the next time we talk, no matter how nice I'am to him. I'm just begining to think this just isn't worth the fight anymore, my kids don't even want him back and it has nothing to do w/OW. My 15D told me straight out tonight her D makes her feel like she has taken all his happiness from him and all he has ever done is sacrifice himself for others. D makes her feel like she is spoiled and all she does is want. Reminder H has said all those things but not to her or around her that I know of. The question I have is do I really want this in my life?? Thanks for listening, stacie
Quote: Whenever he is w/ Ow for a long period I get treated like crap the next time we talk, no matter how nice I'am to him...... The question I have is do I really want this in my life?? Thanks for listening, stacie
yes I've noticed my W gets "snotty" when she's been with OM for any extended period, even though she says she's not. I am trying to learn to detach from it and not let it bother me as it's not her, just this alien speaking from her body.
As for your other comment, that's a decision you need to make for yourself, but dont be suprised if you change your mind 10 times in 10 days.
Give it some time, and try to make yourself happy for a while. Let him wonder if he's made a mistake.
Dont let my sitch scare you off, but it's quite involved....
Hang in there. We're all here for you.
Bill.
"you are who you chose to be" - Iron Giant
Link To CURRENT Sitch
