I hope that everyone plans on having a wonderful 4th; I have a very busy one planned myself. I figured that i would stop by and update you all on how things are going with me and the W and our Sep/Divorce and any thoughts i have going through my mind at this time. Yesterday I officially received my paperwork to move to North Carolina, to me it is both exciting and a little bit of anxiety. Once the move is complete i know that i will be in a better place complete my recovery, because no matter how much i have come to terms with knowing W is filing for D when i see her to still tugs at my heart. So actually being in a different state will really do me some good i believe. I know that i did not have to provide the info of my move to my W but i decided that i would just continue to be fluid and cordial since she requested to have a copy of all the information once i received my paperwork. We have been on rather good talking terms the past week or so, nothing too major has happened. She did make a subtle hint at wanting to have lunch with me but i just acted like i did not notice. Unless she comes out and asks me for something, I really do not think it is good for my progress to entertain any type of thinking other than what it takes to keep me on my path to total recovery and eventually happiness again!
From what i have noticed things seem to be unraveling for her and her plans. Early on She was 100% certain that this was the path she wanted; OM was Mr. Wonderful "her Soul Mate" but now from what i am seeing and what i have heard she has started to have a change of heart and now she is not sure of what she wants; or what life is going to hold for her. The worst part about all of this is the fact that all of this is "text book" at one point in time she had actually admitted that she read a book called ...and she told me it portrayed her relationship with OM to the T. But even that could not open her eyes from the fog that she was in. Now though it seems as if the fog is lifting, and she is stuck with the actions and decisions she has made and her pride.
I can say with 100% certainty that i know i will be ok. And once the D is finalized i feel i will be better for the time we had and i know, i have grown from this. Yes there are scars but there has also been growth. For that i am thankful. The one regret/Heartache i will have is leaving my dogs. They have been in my life for 8 years, they are like my children and for it to suddenly be over is going to be very tough to handle. Knowing that OM is the one that takes my place with them is even worse. Well these are my thoughts for the day. I can say that every day i wakeup is a great day and one more day past the pain and closer to healing.
Last edited by Cristy; 07/06/1505:21 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books or authors
I hope that everyone plans on having a wonderful 4th; I have a very busy one planned myself. I figured that i would stop by and update you all on how things are going with me and the W and our Sep/Divorce and any thoughts i have going through my mind at this time. Yesterday I officially received my paperwork to move to North Carolina, to me it is both exciting and a little bit of anxiety. Once the move is complete i know that i will be in a better place complete my recovery, because no matter how much i have come to terms with knowing W is filing for D when i see her to still tugs at my heart. So actually being in a different state will really do me some good i believe. I know that i did not have to provide the info of my move to my W but i decided that i would just continue to be fluid and cordial since she requested to have a copy of all the information once i received my paperwork. We have been on rather good talking terms the past week or so, nothing too major has happened.
She did make a subtle hint at wanting to have lunch with me but i just acted like i did not notice. Unless she comes out and asks me for something,
First, you are doing really well. Let me make that clear, okay? I'm impressed.
As for the above comment, I think you are onto something that I wish other LBS'ers would realize sooner.
That is, there's NO need to "read into" what a WAS is saying or intends or might be implying, etc. Why bother? IMO, more often than not we guess wrong AND OR they don't even know what they meant, if anything.
And like you, I think that unless they come right out and say something with clarity, then I don't know what I'm dealing with, let alone how to respond.
It really is the job of the WAS to speak and act with clarity, if there's any expectation of change in the r.
If a spouse files for divorce, well, that IS clarity! So unless they do or say something very at odds with that action, I'd pretend not to notice and I'd spend zero energy thinking about it.
I really do not think it is good for my progress to entertain any type of thinking other than what it takes to keep me on my path to total recovery and eventually happiness again!
Absolutely^^.
And when we learn that we are in fact in charge of our own happiness - (not dependent on another person)
then we really do get the big upside of this whole nasty "ordeal"; to wit, our growth and usually, a path to an elevated sense of inner contentment that can last a lifetime if we nurture it.
From what i have noticed things seem to be unraveling for her and her plans. This^^ is where I'd caution you to STOP any focus on her choices or her life.
You are mind reading big time and if she were to act all happy in front of you, you'd think she was insensitive and if she acts miserable or sad, you get to internally gloat.
And the thing is, no one is "happy" about a divorce even when it is the right thing for them. It's always a failure of some sort.
It never feels good to hurt someone you once loved and maybe still do. So there's no way for her to "act" around you. And when you spend time or energy on wondering or listen to people who are NOT going to say "She looks delighted with her choices" b/c they care about YOU, it just comes off as small man behavior. And you are above that.
Plus, it means you are taking YOUR FOCUS OFF OF YOU, which is where it exclusively belongs.
No point in going on about her or what you perceive as how well or happy SHE is doing or what SHE is feeling or doing or planning. Why spend energy on that?
Oh , I know why.
You want to feel vindicated. I get that. You want to know that she's not happy, so that you can feel as if you "won" in this adversarial experience. You seem to believe, like many of us once did (or still do) that
HER misery = YOUR happiness.
But that is not the index of contentment. IF her car breaks down, it does not equate to you having a Maserati. If she wins the lottery does that mean you are a loser? No, the 2 things are NOT connected.
So again, it's NOT about her being unahppy/wrong; it is about you being happy.
The saying "the best revenge is a life well lived" has to be your mantra. Because really, tell us, what if she is genuinely happier in a year or so?
what would that mean, about YOU? Maybe nothing! I think it has nothing to do with you although it MIGHT mean she did a decent thing for herself.
So there's just no reason to keep staring at her outward behavior around you, or listening to what others tell you about their perception of her behavior, and trying to assess (measure) who is "winning" MUST there be a "loser" in all these scenarios? Isn't it enough to know that she knows she broke her vows while her h was deployed? How great can she ever feel about that?
Lose the scorecard Rys, seriously. It benefits no one. It will NOT help you on your path; rather it keeps you scoring instead of just becoming your best, happiest self.
And IF there is such a thing as "winning" in this, it's by you doing just that, making it about your life and only yours.
Make sense?
So the rest of this talk about her and what you THINK she is experiencing AND why she might be experiencing what you are guessing at (Below) is just the "Ink" a squid shoots out when it wants to hide or confuse a predator.
Get rid of the ink and be your authentic, best self.
And please check out the website of that workshop I mentioned to you ("Essential Experience" in Philadelphia. I'm telling you, you are ripe for a major shift in life and it IS life changing).
Early on She was 100% certain that this was the path she wanted; OM was Mr. Wonderful "her Soul Mate" but now from what i am seeing and what i have heard she has started to have a change of heart and now she is not sure of what she wants; or what life is going to hold for her. The worst part about all of this is the fact that all of this is "text book" at one point in time she had actually admitted that she read a book called ...and she told me it portrayed her relationship with OM to the T. But even that could not open her eyes from the fog that she was in. Now though it seems as if the fog is lifting, and she is stuck with the actions and decisions she has made and her pride.
I can say with 100% certainty that i know i will be ok. And once the D is finalized i feel i will be better for the time we had and i know, i have grown from this. Yes there are scars but there has also been growth. For that i am thankful. The one regret/Heartache i will have is leaving my dogs. They have been in my life for 8 years, they are like my children and for it to suddenly be over is going to be very tough to handle. I understand this^^. It is sad. I'm a serious dog lover and totally get it.
I can only wonder if saving some unlucky shelter dog might help, but maybe it's too soon? Just think about that down the road.
Knowing that OM is the one that takes my place with them is even worse. STOP THIS^^^. Look at that sentence.
1) You "know" nothing of the sort.. And please, you just have to drop this scorecard for God's sake. Scorecards are never constructive in relationships or life. MAYBE in contracts between arms length businesses, but nowhere else.
And, 2) WHY inflict this pain on yourself? Dogs are loyal. Period.
But let's hope they do bond a bit with OM for their sake, okay? And don't go there anymore; b/c it's needless self inflicted pain. Yep, You are the one inflicting that, not OM.
FINALLY, 3) If he were mean to the dogs that would be a helluva lot worse. Agreed?
So let's leave it at that. Back to YOU...
Well these are my thoughts for the day. I can say that every day i wakeup is a great day and one more day past the pain and closer to healing.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow 25years, I did not realize what I was doing until I went back and read everything a few times. Thank you for being so blunt and honest. I know I am evolving and doing better but I still have those moments where I revert back and struggle with the entire situation. It might not happen 1/3 of the time anymore but sometimes it's there. On all those other times things are great, or conversations are good interactions are good. And I do not feel any resentment. I wonder how long I will struggle with the Flux of emotion.
I wanted to asked you how you manage to keep yourself from always thinking or wondering about someone elses actions. My point is this, I know what will help and hinder my progress, and for the most part I do a good job at staying the course. But then there are those times Like to today. W just got back from a wedding of one of our friends, and I got to watch the dogs, let me say I was super happy about that. I dropped the dogs off to her and I saw a bottle of Don julio 70, in her front seat I simply stated; wow nice bottle someone is gonna be happy. As I put the dogs stuff in her back seat she got out and said. Actually I bought it for you. She said she was shopping and knew I loved don julio and it was on sale. Now try as hard as I might that little thing starts creeping up in my mind questioning everything and why she would do that, etc.. it just confuses me soo soo bad. I know I shouldn't look into it more than she simply bought me my favorite liquor but how....? Thank you so much in advance.
I wanted to asked you how you manage to keep yourself from always thinking or wondering about someone elses actions. My point is this, I know what will help and hinder my progress, and for the most part I do a good job at staying the course. But then there are those times Like to today. W just got back from a wedding of one of our friends, and I got to watch the dogs, let me say I was super happy about that. I dropped the dogs off to her and I saw a bottle of Don julio 70, in her front seat I simply stated; wow nice bottle someone is gonna be happy. As I put the dogs stuff in her back seat she got out and said. Actually I bought it for you. She said she was shopping and knew I loved don julio and it was on sale. Now try as hard as I might that little thing starts creeping up in my mind questioning everything and why she would do that, etc.. it just confuses me soo soo bad. I know I shouldn't look into it more than she simply bought me my favorite liquor but how....? Thank you so much in advance.
I have the same struggle. When my H does something to indicate that he might be moving towards working on the marriage, I get my hopes up. Usually it is dashed not too long afterward when he does something to indicate that he is not wanting to work on the marriage. It seems I cannot learn to just keep myself in the middleI guess that is why detachment is good... so that you know you will be fine regardless. But I haven't quite gotten there. I want the marriage to work out so how to detach surrounding that is hard.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
So glad to read you are doing so well. You have defo moved on a huge amount in the last 6 months.
As per 25 don't read into anything your wife says or waste any time wondering what she is doing. She isn't worth your energy in doing so.
You've moved on and doing just great without her if...and I say if, she wants her marriage back then you are in a much better position to make a decision if that is also what you actually want anymore.
As for your dogs......its sh1t i've left my cat behind and no doubt someday another man will be looking after my daughter whether its the dipsh1t she's hooked up with now or someone else. que sera sera i'll just have to roll with that one.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Ontheup, Thanks bro, it has taken a ton of soul searching, and counseling but I believe I am on the right path. I hope one day I'll wake up with the clear mind of what I really want. It's tough sometimes, I feel I don't want her back and then others where I think I deserve better than a person who couldn't be loyal to me for the 10 months I was away. Talk about a viscous circle. But it has gotten better.
