New here: Dealing w/MLC and emotional affair PA?

[Cadet]

I didn't know if it was ok to bump too...

Of course if you post anything it will bump your thread.

[kyrie]

So how do I respond to that kind of response in this discussion?

[Cadet]

Normally I like to go with NO - response.

Why do you need to engage him?
What do YOU get out of it?

[kyrie]

1. He wants to talk about it and get it out, even if only on his own terms. 2. I need to know & to know if he's repentant about it. 3. Once we get past that part, forgiveness and "piecing" can fully happen.
4. He recently changed his passwords and so he probably knows that I've been in his stuff. Not sure how to answer when he asks me about that...

[kyrie]

And no response will (and continues to) mean: no more communication on it. No resolution. Along with the usual berating me for controlling the conversations and "everything on my terms".

[Cadet]

And no response will (and continues to) mean: no more communication on it.
No resolution.
Along with the usual berating me for controlling the conversations and "everything on my terms".

There will be NO RESOLUTION at this time whether you respond or dont respond, responding will just prolong the agony.

[kyrie]

At some point we'll need to talk about it though... that's what this seems like (so confused still!).

What about when he asks about if I've been in his accounts...

[Cadet]

Lets change the question around.

What does detaching mean to you?
How are you accomplishing it?
Being that it is the single most important thing that you can do.

[kyrie]

I did some detaching for a while (inconsistently, I know). I did other things when around him, stayed busy, avoided bad triggers for him, didn't start conversations, tried to limit my communication.
Then the OW dumped him, and he started to 180 himself. So I saw that as significant and I opened up a bit. We had that really great week, but I knew it wasn't all rainbows, etc.
Not sure if I should be detaching still...

[cat04]

Kyrie,

First I want to say that I am sorry that you find yourself here, although it is the best place to be in this situation.

Here, you will find support. You will find people who are going through or have been through what you are experiencing. You will find wisdom and comfort. You will also find people, with their own opinions about how you should behave, what is right and wrong, etc...

Only YOU can decide what is right or wrong for you in any situation and you should take the advice that you are comfortable with and let everything else go.

So, that all being said...

I see some confusion in you. Some arising simply because you want to fix your situation, although there is no magic pill or one thing that you can do to change things. Some of it is arising as a confusing of the concepts that are the basic principals of DB. Some is simply because you are receiving mixed messages from your H.

Detatching, that Cadet speaks of, is not what you were doing.

Detatching is about separating yourself from the words and actions of your H. Not about not pursuing or having no contact with him. It is an emotional tool that is used to protect yourself. It is an intellectual tool that is used to not allow his actions or words affect the choices that you make.

I would like to ask you to please post more of your marital history. It helps people to engage with you and support you if they understand where you have been and how you got here. It will also help you understand the things that you want to do 180's on, things that you were really ok with, and where changes need to be made.

And maybe think some more on my friend Cadet's question about what detatching looks like to you.

Cat