Newbie-H away with OW

[Train]

What your H wants right now is irrelevant. He's thinking like a drug addict, with - thanks to his affair - the very same chemicals pumping through his brain as people who are hooked on drugs. Google it. OW is his drug. You can't talk sense into a drug addict, and you can't talk sense into someone who's in an A.

It's truly that simple.

If you want the best chance of saving your M, you first have to save yourself. I've given you plenty of tips on how to do this - or how to "fake it 'til you make it." It's not guaranteed to save your M. But it WILL help save YOU. And once you save yourSELF, there's a chance you will eventually re-attract your H ... once he's done with OW ... *IF* you still want him then.

I can't say it many more ways than that.

It is best that you do not *initiate* ANY relationship talks. If HE brings your relationship up, and if you find a natural segue to say it, THEN, in a firm voice, say *only* what Starsky pitched to you ... and walk away.

But throw the "no open M" boundary ONLY if you're truly willing and able to enforce it. If you're willing to continue allowing your H to talk to his girlfriend on the phone - even if he's in your basement when he does it - then don't tell him you're not willing to live in an open M. As long as you're willing to let him talk intimately with another woman, then you ARE willing to live in an open M. And there's a big chance your M is going to suffer and (eventually) end because of it. If you allow your H to have a "secret" girlfriend, he can't possibly also meet your needs. And he's allowing another woman to meet HIS. And that's the beginning of the end of a M.

It's not my place to tell you what kind of M you want. But if you want your H to yourself, then ... well ... don't share him. If he insists that you have to, then ... well ... start to move on with your life. You'll eventually find a man who is willing to be yours and yours alone. And MAYBE, somewhere along the way, your H will wake up and want to start the long road to recover the M you're both currently in. Whether you will still be willing to do that will be up to YOU and where you are on your path at that time.

Maybe spend some time with yourself to decide what your core, personal boundaries are. As long as your H is inviting another woman into his life, you'll be living in an open M. It's up to you to decide whether that's something you can live with or not.