So my day is nearing its end out here in Belgium. W messaged me first today, upset that i hadn't responded to her list of our favorite memories. Told her I was busy at work and that I enjoyed those times as well. Tried to leave it short and sweet.

She claims that she wants to work and fix our marriage and had asked me to setup a couple therapy session after my solo next week.

My oldest d6 called me when she woke up, crying she missed me. Almost made me lose it, but they'll be back from the states next wed.

Had a long convo with my 1st Sgt today. Said he spoke to the OM leadership and had a good conversation with him. A no contact order with him and my wife are in place.

That said, everytime I see his car parked outside of his office I get the urge to bash his windows in.

Its strange to me that I don't feel scared about losing my wife. I want to work things out, but I feel prepared for life without her. The thing that scares me is losing my kids since I'm in the military. I'm half way across the world from home.

That said, I'm 100% committed to trying to work this out. I'm trying to not be emotional when I speak with her but its hard.

She seems very remorseful and shamed but still very angry with my part in driving her to be WW. I don't blame her and fully accept my responsibility in the issues were having. That said, I get so angry and have to bite my tongue when she acts as if our transgressions are the same. I know she's lost but its hard on my end to tolerate it.

I also moved all of her clothes into the spare bedroom today. She was talking to me about buying new bedding before she flew back so I'm not sure what to expect when she realizes what's going on.

I still havent seen her since I discovered the affair when I came back from leave. The thought of seeing her, talking to her make my stomach turn. I'm disgusted with what she has done but I'm still in love with her. I know we have a long way to go yet, but I'm scared I'll never find the strength to forgive her. The images of her and OM are a constant in my head. I don't know how I'll ever be intimate with her again, but that's a bridge that's hundreds of miles away.

Sorry for rambling, just nice to share mh thoughts