Newcomer's sad story

[Accuray]

Gabs,

You are thrashing because you're panicking and making things worse and worse. Please take a breath and do nothing for 24 hours. Just 24 hours. That won't make a difference in convincing your wife how much you love her and how mistaken she is about what she wants. Just wait 24 hours before you react. Here are some more detailed comments on your post:

this is really hard. I do understand the principles. But as you say, I feel compelled to do some of the no-no's. I will tone it down and not grovel.

There is no "tone it down". You either do it, or you don't. As Yoda said "do or do not, there is no try".

I wrote in my last post about discipline and how most people really struggle with it. It's a lot like weight loss. Losing weight is no mystery, simply consume less calories than you burn. Don't need a PhD for that. If the solution is that easy why are so many people overweight? Because people are not good at being disciplined and denying themselves of what they want to do. Right now you have to go on an emotional diet and stop feeding yourself emotional candy bars with all this pursuing!

"Toning it down" is a half measure. Half measures do not work. You have to *stop* pursuing. Not just pursue less. You actually need to stop completely or this will not work and you will just prolong your suffering.

I just met with a lawyer, and it really scared me. She said divorces almost always end up worse than either party thought they would. Even when people start out with good intentions, it almost always goes bad. Bad for the kids, bad for both of the spouses. Bad for everyone.

I met with a lawyer who told me the same thing -- she "scared me straight" as it were and convinced me to keep working on my marriage even though my spider sense knew my wife was cheating on me. Good lawyers want you to stay married as a matter of ethics, so will scare you in a first meeting to give you incentive to keep trying to make it work. The picture the lawyer painted was 1000x worse than my actual divorce turned out. Divorce is not good. Divorce is not your choice. Divorce is completely survivable.

I have to do everything in my power to avoid this from happening.

True! Start by (1) Not pursuing, (2) act as if, (3) GAL and (4) follow all of Sandy's 37 rules religiously. If you want to do everything in your power to avoid this outcome, then that's what you have to do. Anything else is digging your hole deeper and deeper. You're like the kid at the beach who digs a hole in the sand through tremendous effort and then the hole collapses on him. That's where you're heading

I have to plant some seeds in her heart and in her mind to give her some awareness of how much I love her and how much better it could be together, than what we are facing if we D. I just have to. Maybe I'm wrong but my heart says to do it and all my life I have followed my heart.

Nope! NO NO NO NO NO. You cannot plant seeds in her heart. She is closed off to you. You cannot convince, cajole, beg, plead, influence, illustrate or elucidate. She will do the opposite and FORCE the opposite to work to get away.

For example, she just went to look at a house yesterday. She came back and said, "yikes. it was in bad shape. I realize now that whoever moves out is not going to have a very nice place to live. So I guess since I'm the one making this all happen, I need to be the one to do that." Another thing, we have an electric car, that she loves. We have discussed that we will probably have to sell it because it can't drive long distances and we she won't have a backup for trips anymore (my car). So she will have to give up the car she loves and live in a crappy house. Also she has acknoweledged that money is going to be tight, so vacations and even simple things like going to the movies will have to be cut.

Holy Cow! Look at that! She realized all these things WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO POINT THEM OUT TO HER. If you had insisted that any house she looks at will be crappy before she looked at them, what do you think would happen? Most WAS would continue to house search until they found an example to prove you wrong, and that would make your situation worse.

THEY HAVE TO LEARN THESE THINGS FOR THEMSELVES, YOU CANNOT TEACH THEM, YOU CANNOT SHOW THEM, YOU HAVE TO LET THEM WALK THE PATH. THEY'LL GET IT, IT JUST MAY NOT BE ON YOUR TIMELINE.

I would like to just point out to her that she doesn't have to give up all these things.

She knows, you don't have to tell her

The alternative is to say with me, and accept the new found love I want to give her, and she can keep the car and the vacations, and go to the movies as much as she wants, and get great backrubs, and the kids won't be at risk, and we will have money for college...

She knows, you don't have to tell her

Shes about to go on a trip for 5 days and spend a lot of time in the car. I feel like if I write her a short letter to plant some seeds in her heart and mind, and remind her there is an alternative to the yucky plan she's on of a yucky house, no money to spend, etc.. the words I say will echo in her mind while she's driving and talking with her friend when she gets there, and she will contemplate these things a little more than she would if I do nothing.

Nope. What will happen is she will roll her eyes, feel guilty, feel uncomfortable about your pursuit, start to hate how she's feeling, and then blame you for making her feel that way, and then she'll resent you more than she does already.

I promise promise promise that is exactly what will happen. Your words will only have that effect, no matter how beautiful they are.

I know you will all say I'm wrong. And perhaps I am. But I am so compelled to do this, I think I can keep the basic principles in mind and not beg and not grovel in my approach it will not do so much harm, and might do a tiny bit of good.

Nope, it will do no good and lots of harm

I really need her to just contemplate the two paths.... and at this point she is not even considering the path back home.

She spent hundreds of hours contemplating the two paths before she told you what she decided. Hundreds of hours. This has been well-contemplated and a decision has been rendered. No one does this because they wake up with a wild hair up their ass and then realize a few days later they did something dumb. It doesn't work that way. This has been agonized over and planned for months. Your words do not turn this around any more than you can stop a freight train by holding up a stop sign. It's completely ineffective.

I feel like if she can take one second to just step back and see there is a choice and one is pretty yucky

She knows. You can tell her one million times until you're blue in the face and she won't know it any more than she does now.

that's all I want is for her to realize the repercussions and realize there is a choice still.

Yes everyone knows that's what YOU want, including her. What does she want?

You're her husband, you love her, how can you support her in terms of pursuing what she wants, which is space and time away from you?

Are you man enough to support her and give her what she wants, or will you continue to insist on what you want like a petulant child? Sorry to be harsh, but please realize that by making this all about what you want and ignoring what she wants, you're feeding into the old pattern that is exactly what she wants to get away from.

You're not listening to her.

You're not respecting what she wants.

You are insisting that you know best and staging a campaign to prove it.

Not asking her to change her mind right now... just planting seeds that would hopefully get her to think about it a little more before she jumps into it.

Plant no seeds. She knows what her options are and they have been carefully considered. A decision has been rendered.

Your response will take time -- lots of time. Nothing will be turned around or resolved this month or next month. Relax, breathe, slow things down and for the love of all that is holy STOP PURSUING. NO MORE LETTER WRITING!!!!

Acc