But it's not an easy walk for either of you. And of the two, I'd say she has the hardest part right now, if you can imagine that. Your time in he** is behind you - you have the tools to deal with what's going on. She is still building them and dealing with the fall out. It's why many don't come back; facing that is tough stuff.
Kudos to her for not running like a mad-woman screaming for the hills. And kudos to you for making it possible and having done the work on you. Not everyone does
AJ
Totally agree her part is harder .... even yesterday as I came home we had a mini talk about personal growth and she told me she felt like she has so much work to do on herself that she is afraid I will 'throw in the towel' before she can get there ... seems the past few weeks she has voiced her fear of me leaving often, so yeah all the realizations of "what have I done" do seem to be creeping in ... I STFU , listened and told her I have not left yet, she will have to trust me and the process some.
Ok, Last week I went to do my taxes ... I had filed an extension just so much going on and I was not sure now that we are not filing jointly what excactly was going on. W has had her families accountant do ours for years .... so owning my own stuff I went on to good ole H&R Block. I needed some more stuff to give them, S's ssn, and the daycare stuff .... then W tells me she claimed S, this was not what we had talked about and she gave me that MLC dead eye stare ... I was pretty livid.
Mixed with that anger was another wave of betrayal ... W snapped out of her MLC stare and was trying to calm me down ... I admittedly was 'gone' I told her I was tired of being F'd over with all her decisions, I was the one holding the short end of the stick for these past 2 years and this was nothing more than another reminder of just how selfish she is/can be. I was pretty hot. I finally calmed down .... took a walk .. but still really irritated at this whole mess ... and how I felt that most the consequences were mine alone to deal with ... was how I felt at that time not going to lie.
I decided to drop it, had my appt set and would deal with the fallout and see what I now owed after all this ... just deal with it then.
So the weekend was good, last night I went back and finished up my taxes ... I went from owing a few hundred .... to now owing close to 6k .... deep breathe, ok .. I will just figure it all out and make the payments owning what is done is done and this is just another MLC gift I will get past.
W called while I was on my way home, telling me she landed a job .. a really good job. Wanted to go out to dinner and celebrate, her treat, thanking S and I for being there for her through out the past 2 months as she did a good deal of self work and was looking for a job. I congratulated her ... even with the 6k floating around in my head I was happy she landed something as she was starting to freak out over money.
On the way I started thinking about the $$ aspects of all this ... her empting out both accounts just after BD, leaving me with pretty much nothing .. and now this little episode ... somehow I remained calm .. .I think letting loose a bit Friday actually helped. I get home and Personally congratulate her (Normally I would have stopped for flowers and a card .. but lol .. I am newly broke) She thanked me, she looked happy and relieved. She asked how it went with the taxes and I told her it was not good ... did not want to talk about it and we should just go celebrate. She suggested we do our hmwk first (Something I mentioned that morning I was starting to become disappointed in as we have not consistently done it) .... so we did that.
After as S was getting ready she asked again about the taxes, I told her the figures, she apologized and told me she wanted to pay the entire amount "Its the least I can do for all I have done, please let me, at least consider it" ....Wow .. this is not my wife speaking. I told her I would think aobut it but really wanted to just enjoy dinner and celebrate her job (Old M and Old Cali stuff .. W complained we did not celebrate such things as jobs/promotions)
Little internal stuff ... I am happy she took the job she was offered, she had 2 other ones in play that would be over 1 hour commutes (one way) ... and I was concerned about all the 'free phone time' that she would have ... not that I can control who she calls nor for how long ... but the trust is not there and will take time, but just all that idle time on the road did not give me the warm and fuzzies ... besides that her work days would be long and yours truly was not thrilled about having a W get home all grumpy and tired.
I am curious as to the 'pressure' demon coming back into her life, she has been doing very well for 2 months .. focused on herself mostly, but I wonder if MLC fragments could be put into play once she goes back into the work enviornment ... time will tell, wait and see.
As far as me ... I am good, been grounded and not pursuing at all. W and I slept in separate beds last night due to S being convinced he was going to be kidnapped and had little faith the 'old lady' downstairs would protect him .. so he slept with W in the MBR (furthest away from the front door) thinking I would be there too ... however when he dozed off I opted for the empty bed to avoid the karate chop to the face in the late night hours. I slept pretty good other than the strange sex dream that involved Macaroni and Cheese .... yeah ... who is the messed up one? This guy.
