Still Struggling with a plan!

[hopeOK]

H waited up in bed for me last night after I got done reading to D. He was in the middle of the bed as opposed to his far side & he was faced toward my side rather than having his back to it like he has for the past 4 nights. He initiated a conversation. He explained why he got so upset from Friday. Of course I knew this. I told him that I wished he wouldn't be so quick to yank away his affection when he gets upset/mad. He said that when I confront him like I did on Friday, it makes him feel like I do not know him at all. Then that eventually leads him to thinking about what I accused him of possibly doing (in the conversation w/ my sister that he read) w/ our child & that makes him feel even more alienated from me. So it is like a spiral. I listened and affirmed. I felt pain for causing his pain and made sure to tell him this. We also talked about needing to start all over & figure out what needs we are not meeting for each other & we agreed that we should be looking to each other to meet these needs rather than other ppl. HOWEVER! I have a gut feeling he is still talking to the OW as a friend. I am doing nothing about this at this point as I realize it is pointless. I successfully accomplished my 180 of not saying anything when I had an overwhelming anxious panic about messages that he was getting on his phone (& I found his phone relocked again when he went to the bathroom). I am letting it go for now to be addressed when we have more good things going on between us.

So another up on the roller coaster ride that is my life. We'll see how long before the next down... just hoping the downs to come are not as bad as they have been.