I'm at my wits end! Five months ago my husband left..mid-life crisis, deppression. I welcomed him during the holidays we had good times. in Jan. he said he didn't think he could be happy here w/ me anymore (never came right out and said he wanted a divorce)but that was the general consensus. I accepted it although I was and still am devestaed after twenty years. A week later he disclosed to me the other women in his life, once again emotional break down, but I attempted to accept and push through. A weel later we spent a week together discussing all the issues pertaining to the ow and their relationship, we were also intimate at this period. After that week he shut me out again, four weeks later he confesses one morning he can't see his life w/out me, he has tried not to love me but he does even the little annoying things about me he misses, he knows he needs to leave the ow but feels bad. That evening he wants to talk and has gone back to being confused, he is emotionally connected to the ow and doesn't know what to do. The next morning were intimate again. My head is ready to explode, I'm not sure if I'm coming or going. Last night I bought the book divorce remedy and am almost finished with it. I'm due to have dinner with my husband tonight, with the promise we will not discuss the divorce or the ow, just have a good night out. To anybody that can help me figure out what to do next we haven't lived together since October, he really had nothing to do with me until four weeks ago and now we have had intimate realations, he is cheating on the ow...I have hope but not much, everytime I put a step forward to go on with my life, I go backwords........What next, were do I go what do I do? I have asked him to get the ball rolling on the divorce by April 1st because I can't live like this any longer, should I continue with the demand? Help?????
Do you want a D? I know I don't and at this specific moment W is not pushing it, though she moved out two weeks ago and said she is not coming back.
But here is my perspective and you will get amazing support and help from EVERYONE here; they have saved my life. We will tell you straight what we think; so do not get easily offended, everyone wants to help.
NO talk of R, D, or OW and NO mention of D deadline. If he says he wants a D, you say. "I do not agree with this and I do not want this, but if this is what you want."
And READY? No being intimate until he quits OW; he's playing both sides of the track.
Continue to be positive and upbeat and act "as if" you are going on with your life. If he wants to be part of it, he has to decide. And you have to do what is BEST for you.
Hang in
write
Stop by Piecing, lots of good insight there. I'm under "Broken Pieces II" if you get a chance to stop by.
Bwriter, Thanks, I went out tonight and tried to be upbeat- said nothing about R-D-or-OW, asked him to check on the kids next week when I go out, he told me to have a good time on my "date". It didn't seem to bother him nor did tonight, he was kind of indifferent towards me. Of course after he left I had an emotional breakdown, I'm really not sure how much more I can take. stacieB
Quote: I'm really not sure how much more I can take.
S,
Hang in. The daily question; you have to ask yourself if the M is important to you?
It is very difficult. I am out of town this week with kids and have not talked to W since yesterday. We used to talk everyday, even when all this began. I want to revive the M, but I do not know really what she wants. Not talking to her is hard.
H is probably putting up defenses, does not want to show emotion. W did this. I could not understand how she was so calm and detached, but the emotion is under there. It will appear when you least expect it. And you will get upset at the simplest things.
I know exactly how you feel. My H left in August, determined to D me, have an affair that I found out before he left, but he denied and said to this day he started the R with OW after he left me. For the past two months, we had intimate moments everytime we saw each other, many times. And yet he is still seeing OW, infact sees her more than me, saw me only when OW is out of town. He has a lot of pity for OW, says she is a nice girl, he cares for her, cant break her heart, needs time to break off, yada..yada..yada...I am broken hearted too, but he cant see it. I am still holding on to my patience and strength wherever I can find them. I dont know what to do, I want to scream that enough is enough but I love my H so much that I cant bear to lose him. Sometimes I feel that its easier if I hate him so I dont have to go through all this confusion. Its killing me. Please come here to vent all you want and get support. This BB is the only place which keeps me sane during this roller coaster ride. Sorry I am not helping much maybe make you feel worse. Yes, its very confusing and its very hard, hang in there. Whatever happens in the end, we will be fine.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
B, I agree that he is probably trying to hide his emotions and I know he knows he needs to end it with the OW because he said that on Friday. I guess what I have a hard time with is how a person I know still loves me goes from knowing what he needs to do one minute, backpedals 10 hours later, is intimate with me the next day and today acts like we shared nothing in the last three days. After reading the book I have seen the things that didn't work, as of now I'm trying to live for myself but its hard. I see him more when he has the kids and that weekend is just about over so it's anybody's guess when I'll see or hear from him until next Friday...it seems so long. I do appreciate you writing and reading my post, talking about it helps. Thanks S
BnB, Thank you, your not making me feel worse at least I know I'm not alone. I'm not really sure how long I should continue this, sometimes I think pushing for him to get the D will wake him up. My H says the same stuff to me about his OW ..he doesn't want to hurt her but like I said Friday he knew what he needed to do and I think he still does he just can't right now, but the question still remains..When and can I hang in there that long? S
You will find all kinds of support here. Just be sure you do your venting at us. We can take it and give you feedback. Your situation isn't all that unique. Read the book, memorize the book and then come here for pointers.
Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Your H sounds just like mine! Is there a handbook out there that they have and they are all reading from the same page? I am so frustrated with the situation! H tells me all the time that he knows what he wants to do (come home) and what he needs to do but then nothing happens because he hesitates. I think aliens have invaded his head and they take over when he is at her house, where he currently lives. I posted on midlifecrisisforum.com on the infidelity forum (Question for mickb84) and got a great response. mickb84 is a guy who was in our H's shoes and got out of his situation and went home. Go read the post. It is very encouraging and reassuring to know that we are not all nuts.
On Sunday, H was at a ball game out of town. OW came to my house!!!! I didn't answer the door because I had been sleeping, not feeling well and looked like hell. At least if I face this woman I need to look good, right? She rang the bell several times with minutes between each ring. I peeked out the window to see who it was and didn't even think that it would be her. I saw a woman who was walking around my car in the driveway, came back and rang the bell again and then decided I wasn't home, got in her car and left. I have never seen her before, nor do I want to. H called later that day and I asked him if he knew someone who drove that type of car and color. He got all weird about it and started asking questions, like was it a woman, what did she look like, what was she wearing? Then I put 2 & 2 together. I really didn't see her because I was trying not to be seen because I had just woken from a nap and didn't want to be social with anyone. I did see what she was wearing and what her hair was like and the make/model and color of her car but not her face. If I thought for a second it was her I would have paid more attention! When he got to her house, she was wearing exactly what I described. The nerve of her! I blew a gasket and told my H to tell her to stay away from me, that I was hurt enough and didn't need her coming to my house. She has friends that drive by and check to see if H is there. (I live on a short street with only 5 houses on it so no one ever just drives by) I never realized that either until Sunday. I caught them once, they were stopped in front of my house and I pulled in the driveway. They took off so fast they left skid marks in the street! I need to be more paranoid I guess but I just don't think that way. It just never occurs to me that people would do that. Not grownups anyway.
So, I blew up at him. I probably shouldn't have, its against the DB advice, but enough is enough. I didn't personally attack him but let him know what I thought and that he needed to stop that stuff from happening again. He is being manipulated by her, with her using me to do it. And I am angry about it! I don't know what damage I caused but I guess I will know soon enough. Who knows, maybe it will damage her?!?
Thanks for letting me vent this. It has been boiling inside me all day!
H, I agree, there must be a book! I can't believe the OW had the nerve to show up at your house! At this point I'd love to have two seconds w/my H's OW. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take or how much I should take. I was nice and happy when he stopped to drop off the kids this morning, even gave him a cup of coffee. But I had a lousy day, I know he will be with her all week, and I guess I'm an impatient person. I would like to see signs now, it's been so long and obviously being intimate isn't the sign I thought it was! I wouldn't worry about the damage you may have done because I think this one might just come back to bite her in the backside. Take Care, s
many times. And yet he is still seeing OW, infact sees her more than me, saw me only when OW is out of town. He has a lot of pity for OW, says she is a nice girl, he cares for her, cant break her heart, needs time to break off, yada..yada..yada...I am broken hearted too, but he cant see it. I am still holding on to my patience and strength wherever I can find them. I dont know what to do, I want to scream that enough is enough but I love my H so much that I cant bear to lose him. Sometimes I feel that its easier if I hate him so I dont have to go through all this confusion. Its killing me. Please come here to vent all you want and get support. This BB is the only place which keeps me sane during this roller coaster ride. Sorry I am not helping much maybe make you feel worse. Yes, its very confusing and its very hard, hang in there. Whatever happens in the end, we will be fine. 
