Five months in ...

[late30s]

Been a while since I posted anything. I have still been around, just spending the time that I have on these forums catching up on Caliguy's thread(s).

I have lost count of all the nuggets of wisdom I have found in them. Time for an update methinks.

Among the many nuggets I have found, the biggest one was finally figuring out how to give W some space, it's not exactly the detaching I hope it to be. I still think of her often and must resist the urge to reach out to her. I managed to find some help on that front. My therapist suggested that I find a friend or two that are completely supportive of what I want. No giving me advice I don't want to hear, or questioning my sanity for putting up with everything that is going on. I was able to do that. One of them in particular has been very helpful and has been kind enough to let me call him when the urge to call W is strong. I have taken him up on that once so far, but I see it happening in the future as well.

All of this has lead to me not reaching out to her in the slightest since Friday, and while I realize that has only been four days, it has been huge for me. I find that the urge to call comes less and less, and I am a lot less stressed out. In fact, I haven't felt this calm for years. I'm sure the calm will ebb and flow, but it felt really nice to get there.

It is odd to me that I have stopped calling / texting and I removed her from all of my social media and all of a sudden she is reaching out to me. I have read about the push / pull mechanic often here, but to see it happening was far more than I expected. I reached a point on Friday where I was ready to let her go. Not that I have given up, but a lot of the folks that have shared their wisdom in Cali's travels really started sticking.

So there was a catalyst to all of this. Friday, I deleted her from my social media because OM was commenting on things she put up. Nothing too bad, but it was upsetting me. In the past, I have tried to control her here. Pleading with her to respect my feelings on her social media ... It dawned on me that this was controlling behavior and I felt like the better option was to simply remove the temptation. While I do honestly believe I have made some real progress with the jealousy, I don't want to be tested all the time. As I have reflected on that part of myself, I have come to see just how horrible my jealousy has been for me.

After the social media stuff, I was in boundary setting mode. She and I talked a bit more Friday and I told her that I loved her, but the affair is damaging to everyone in our family and that while she continued to do it, I wasn't comfortable with her coming to the house to see me. She became enraged at this and told me that I was keeping her from our kids. I tried to explain that I wasn't. She was free to see the kids whenever she likes, just not here. She feels like I am manipulating the situation because the our three sons won't go see her at her apartment. So she only really gets to see them here at the house. I suggested she meet them for lunch or something, at some neutral location. I also pointed out that I take our D12 down there every week and intend to keep doing that. That was followed by more spew. It was at this point I was finally able to let go of her a bit.

So that's where I am now. For those of you that possessed the fortitude to reach the end of my novel, I leave you this lame joke.

I just bought some new shoes from a drug dealer today. I think they were laced with something though, I have been tripping all day.