I understand the basic principles here and the reasons behind them. However I am having a hard time with the rigidness and extreme nature of the rules.
For example I realize that a it's not good to grovel, beg, cry, because that shows weakness and she doesn't want to be with a weak person.
But why is it bad to apologize? I personally have been able to see much more clearly since my wife dropped the bomb what I was doing to make her feel unloved. I feel bad about it. I want to apologize. And I think apologizing and showing remorse, would remove some of the negativity she feels towards me. And it would show that I recognize my failures, which is clearly step 1 in correcting them. Why would I not want to show her that I took step 1 ?
Here's another one. Why do I have to hide my 180 changes. I want her to notice them. Is it so bad if I wait to go for a run until she is home so she notices that I'm exercising more? I understand you don't want to go over the top and do everything right in her face and say "see all these things I'm changing?" all the time. But it seems like it would be fine to passively do things in a way that she notices. And I understand that she won't believe the changes are real if I'm just doing them to get her back... but isn't there another side to that argument? Isn't there a part of her that would be impressed that I love her so much that I'm willing to make all these changes for her? I mean, part of the problem is that she thinks I didn't really love her and give her attention. But by making all these changes isn't that a way of showing her that I really do love her and I'm willing to do just about anything for her? They say to put yourself in her shoes. If I was breaking up with someone and they changed their life around because they so badly wanted to be with me, I would be impressed and I would say "wow I guess he really does love me."
I realize it's *better* for her to notice the changes on her own, but I don't see why it's bad to make sure she knows what they are.
Here's another one. I have found several letters my wife wrote to me, that say how much she loves me, and even though we have problems she is sure we are soul mates. I would like to show her these letters. I think it would help snap her out of it, to read her own words. She still loves me deep inside but she is hiding that love from herself. I think reading these letters would crack open that wall she's put up between he mind and her heart. But I'm sure that showing the letters to her would be seen as a step backwards because I'm obviously trying to get her to change her mind, which is what I'm not supposed to do.
I realize this is a no-no but I would like to tell her how I am a different person. I would like to tell her that I have really identified many things that I was doing wrong before, things that I never could see clearly until now. I want to tell her that for the first time I "get it" I realize I was making her feel unloved, and I want to show her what it feels like to be loved. I realize it won't make her come back right away, but if I plant seeds in her mind to this effect, it's better to have those seeds there in her mind than not, I would think. Coupled with her noticing changes I've made, I think it is a good compliment. I think I could talk about my changes and how I would treat her differently without begging or groveling, just in a matter of fact way,
Here's another.... I'm a musician and with all the emotions I've had in the last month I"m sure you can imagine that some songs are coming out. I have songs about being sorry. I have songs about what life is like without you. I have songs about wanting you back. I think a lot of popular songs came out of experiences like this. Would it be so horrible to make a youtube video of some of my songs and hope that she sees it on my facebook page, or even ask her to check it out? I mean it's kind of impressive to write a nice song about someone. If someone wrote a song about me I would think, "wow, his emotions are really real. I guess he really does love me a lot." And they could spark memories of good times we have had.
Here's another one I have a hard time with. Why is it bad to do nice things for her? Is it really bad, if I'm making coffee, to make her a cup and bring it to her? I mean, she has some negativity towards me obviously. I think it would be a good thing to try to erase some of that negativity by being helpful and nice. I feel like the more good experiences we can have, even if they are just having a nice conversation, or making a cup of coffee, before it's too late, the better. If I just keep a distance then the only memories she has of me are the bad things that are filling her head at the moment. Obviously I don't mean to go overboard and buy her roses every day and kiss her feet. I'm just saying, if I'm making a cup of coffee for myself, why not make two and bring her one?
I guess I'm trying to say that some of these rules seem a little rigid. I'm no expert but I think a little bit of doing nice things, letting her know that I want her back, telling her what I've learned and how i've changed, making sure she notices the changes I'm making, and I do these things subtly and I don't go overboard are they really so detrimental to my cause?
I've heard here that you want to show her that you are a strong confident person. Doesn't a strong confident person stand up and fight for what he wants? If I show her that I'm working really hard, changing my life around, have identified my failures, and I present this from a position of strength, doesn't that show I'm a strong person, that she would like to be with again?
I guess this is my "questioning some of this" post.... I just read an article that said, the further you go down the path to D, the less chance there is for reconciliation. So I feel like there's a ticking time bomb. I feel that if I just keep my distance and don't do nice things for her occasionally and I don't make sure she knows how it would be different and how I've changed, that I could miss the boat.
