Co dependency H Affair poor boundaries oh My

[Zues126]

Your last question was "do I believe him?" I said you know the answer. Then I made one comment I hope stuck with you- you're hoping he changes so you don't have to.

But you do have to change. You control more than you know. You control everything that matters: You. Do you control your H, or whether he'll want to be with you in the future? No, and from THAT lens feel helpless. But you control how you respond, and from THAT lens you'll feel powerful.

One source of fear is trying to control things we can't control. Whenever you feel that way ask yourself, what are my options from here? How do I think I should respond? Then try to focus on THAT. When you focus more on things you CAN control you'll feel empowered instead of terrified.

As to how your WAH acts, you have the power to respond how you want. If you were walking down the street and a crazy man ran up to you and started screaming at you about how you stole his pet ostrich, would you let him upset you? I mean, he's crazy. You'd walk away and move on. You're CHOOSING to continue to put tremendous weight into the words and actions of a WAS in an open A. Why? I'll say it one more time, because you think IF ONLY HE WOULD CHANGE THEN IT WOULD BE OK.

Maybe it helps for a reality check. Even if he DID change, and become a perfect H, and recommit...you'd STILL have problems in your M and would feel horrible and potentially suicidal much of the time, because...here it comes...a man can't save you from yourself.

So instead of looking at this as a problem of him leaving you, and if he'd just come back it would be all better...time to look at it as a problem of you neglecting yourself, and trying really hard to control those around you to take care of you instead, accepting unacceptable levels of abuse if only they would fill the hole inside of you, and panicking at the thought that you will be left to do that on your own.

While I hate D's and A's as much as anyone on here, this is your GOLDEN opportunity to look in the mirror and decide that you can no longer put your own emotional caretaking in another person's hands. Listen, I get it, it's a romantic idea that love means you take care of me and I take care of you...but you've got 30 years of proof that it doesn't work. Do you need 30 more years or are you a believer? You're as addicted to his taking care of you as he is to his PA. Who's going to break this cycle if you don't?

Love still exists, it exists from a mutual choice from two people that can care for themselves that choice to love each other. I know that's scary too, you think no one would ever choose to love you because you're broken and unlovable and so you are clinging to this loser because you think he's such a degenerate he'll NEED to love you because no one else will love him back...you went to the bottom and found someone you thought was 'safe' because he'd never leave...

So now that you know that, this can be the point in your life where you decide to step up to the challenge of taking care of yourself. That means firing him as a person in charge of your well being, and coping with his BS by refocusing on what you can control...your reactions. So specifically- what are you doing to improve your self care? What are you doing to become financially and emotionally independent?

I'd recommend writing this out on a notecard and referring back regularly:

Only I am responsible for my emotional wellbeing
I can't control my H, but I am in total control of myself
The problem isn't my M breaking up, my problem is I am too dependent on my M
With this in mind, I feel my best response is to _____

Then do it!

PS- you asked about threads to read. I had and probably still have some CD issues. If you read through my first few threads you'll see I had a lot of insight along these lines. In fact, that's why I hesitate to post too much with you...you were so enthusiastic about my 'help' that I was afraid I'd fall into some rescuer cycle and start needing you to need my help so I'd feel important. Yeah, I'm a little snake bit still. I'm in your corner, but want you to be strong on your own.

Take care, and keep giving your best. You're on the right road for sure.