New here.

[little1]

My stats question was more out of curiousity than anything. One of the biggest things I have learned is while everybody sitch different they are also very similar. What happens to one doesn't always happen for another.

I found a post of fb that I screened shotted and saved to my phone as a screen saver. It was like it was meant to be seen right that second.

Letting Go
doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is
yourself.

[Vanilla]

Apologies I posted my post to Dwh on your thread but it seems appropriate none the less.

V

[PigPen]

Letting Go
doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is
yourself.

This, x1000

[little1]

Does it ever stop hurting? Do the thoughts ever go away?

My anxiety is super high today. Had to get into my emergency meds to try and settle it down some and I know getting back on my ad's and as's will help.

New goal I am excited for.
Stop smoking. My insurance is paying 100% of the medication to help. I have given this a lot of thought and I am comfortable and excited with my decision.

[Joe46]

Does it ever stop hurting? Do the thoughts ever go away?

My anxiety is super high today. Had to get into my emergency meds to try and settle it down some and I know getting back on my ad's and as's will help.

New goal I am excited for.
Stop smoking. My insurance is paying 100% of the medication to help. I have given this a lot of thought and I am comfortable and excited with my decision.

Yes little, it will stop hurting in time. There will always be a feeling there. But with the work here and time, you will be able to deal with it better. It works if you work it!

[little1]

Todays has been really bad for me. Every little thing is making me want to cry.

contact with H is down and has been since beginning of the month. We talked a little bit tonight about his work but nothing major. AND THEN, he texts me with "enjoy your weekend doing whatever or whoever" I told him to have a good weekend also and I got sure. When he says sure, it means something is not right. I made the mistake of asking if he was ok and if he needed an ear to listen I had 2 no pressure no expectations. And he was not happy. I know I should not have said that and i did apologize.

He is stuck on I am sleeping with someone but he doesn't know who it is. This usually happens when he drives by the house and sees a strange vehicle in the yard. Hello look at the ages of our DD's. But no. Usually when he makes those comments I just ignore them. It is not a fight worth having. I tried once and he didn't believe me so I just don't. I know the truth and that is all that matters. I have told him several times that my personal life is off-limits to him. I feel he left me for OW, it is none of his business if I am seeing someone or not. and one the same note every once in a while i get this: You need to go out. get out of the house. But if I do, I am told I need to be at home with the children not out running around. He knows that its off limits because every once in a while he will acknowledge that fact.
How do I handle this situation? I honestly haven't just kind of ignored it, but he has brought it up several dozen times this month which is out of character.

Not to mention, I think I have turned back into the enemy again. Everything I say is wrong or overstepping my bounds or upsetting him somehow. And oh my goodness, if I don't talk to him when he talks to me that will set him off. Then he starts quizzing our DD's about why I won't talk to him. I am almost to a point of shutting him off completely and letting him stew in HIS MESS for a bit. Its Not ok for me to go out and have fun with adults, but it is ok for me to go sleep with other people.

Last time he was like this, all was not well in happyville and after about a month or so, he told me about it.

[Vanilla]

Todays has been really bad for me. Every little thing is making me want to cry.

contact with H is down and has been since beginning of the month. We talked a little bit tonight about his work but nothing major. AND THEN, he texts me with "enjoy your weekend doing whatever or whoever" I told him to have a good weekend also and I got sure. When he says sure, it means something is not right. I made the mistake of asking if he was ok and if he needed an ear to listen I had 2 no pressure no expectations. And he was not happy. I know I should not have said that and i did apologize.

He is stuck on I am sleeping with someone but he doesn't know who it is. This usually happens when he drives by the house and sees a strange vehicle in the yard. Hello look at the ages of our DD's. But no. Usually when he makes those comments I just ignore them. It is not a fight worth having. I tried once and he didn't believe me so I just don't. I know the truth and that is all that matters. I have told him several times that my personal life is off-limits to him. I feel he left me for OW, it is none of his business if I am seeing someone or not. and one the same note every once in a while i get this: You need to go out. get out of the house. But if I do, I am told I need to be at home with the children not out running around. He knows that its off limits because every once in a while he will acknowledge that.

My lovely little, there is a quote which made me take breath and that is "H is stuck on I am sleeping with someone but he doesn't know who it is" and "this is usually when he drives by the house........"

I am very concerned with this because it indicates the need for a high level of control indeed. I really want you to consider a discussion with an IC, your choice of course. It's at best cake eating and looking at you as option B. At worst he is checking on you to even notice, my WH kept turning up at my home and I found it freaky and very frightening. This is your home. Little, your decision of course and I would like you to take this seriously.

Frankly who you are with is none of his business at all, that is your choice. You can have Liam Neesen around there (my heart throb, don't you dare!), or the whole US swim team, none of his concern any longer. WH is living with an OW and has left his family and his home. You know this and say so too.

How do I handle this situation? I honestly haven't just kind of ignored it, but he has brought it up several dozen times this month which is out of character.

It is time for a good L and to consider steps to find out where you stand legally. WH may sense you are becoming more grounded and he is losing some of his cake. I know that isn't what you want to hear, at the same stage in my R I wanted some magic dust, was in urge for secret words that I could whisper to resolve it.

Not to mention, I think I have turned back into the enemy again. Everything I say is wrong or overstepping my bounds or upsetting him somehow. And oh my goodness, if I don't talk to him when he talks to me that will set him off. Then he starts quizzing our DD's about why I won't talk to him. I am almost to a point of shutting him off completely and letting him stew in HIS MESS for a bit. Its Not ok for me to go out and have fun with adults, but it is ok for me to go sleep with other people.

This is also very concerning, the only relief is WH isn't in an in house separation. I can see you are struggling with this, and little, my M was like this and it has taken great efforts on my part to get some space, in order to do that I went NC. Completely dark, no contact at all, with him or through anyone. Actually I don't see WH as giving you permission here, it looks like a sarcastic remark to me. If I had said the grass is green then my WH would have spewed because I had over stepped the mark. This is WH wanting to own the remote control of your life. My threads contain many examples including not buying apple juice and the wrong bacon. Please keep a journal of this and post it here, it helps to keep this in black and white. Please dip into my threads my WH accused me of sleeping with a 72 year old called Jo, who is happily married and female, just because he saw a text from Jo on my phone and thought it was a guy.

Here is a link to part of my own discussion on my WH

Zelda and V discussing WH and freedom from spew etc

Last time he was like this, all was not well in happyville and after about a month or so, he told me about it.

This is a breadcrumb to keep you interested and hoping he will come back, so he can come back on his terms. I want you to be safe above all, very safe. Take no risks with this. Please keep posting.

V

[little1]

V, thanks for taking the time to respond.

I am starting to feel calmer now and don't know why. Maybe it was that hard cry I had earlier. Who knows. Re-reading my post, I realize that the man I posted about is not the man I married, but I can't do his journey for him, he has to go alone. I actually started to laugh at the post. I seriously don't know why.

His drive bys are quite funny. I know I am being watched everywhere. Its like he has little spies. I know this because he has made a comment about something that happened to me in my department that I didn't tell him about. I kept my mouth shut, but that is the first time I realized I was being watched. I think it is a control thing. No I know it is. But your right, He is losing some of his control over me and is not liking it one bit. The deputies that I work with I have known for over 10 years and know my sitch. They also know that my kids are home alone while I am at work and even though my DD's are older, there is still DS. So there are hourly drive by's and yard checks at my home. They are not at the same time or intervals so no one knows when they are coming. Including H. Also he does not have keys to the house. I had to change the locks shortly after he left because DS took everything apart.

Don't worry about Liam. He is all yours. Now if it was Nicholas Cage (in Face-Off) you and I would have to talk.

I have spoken to a L. H does not have a leg to stand on. If he files, I can take him for everything and there is nothing he can do. I can use abandonment and win. That is why I keep track of everything. Every time he sees the kids (which is very, very little), any contact with the kids, the duration of the time, and any and all interactions with me. I also speak respectfully about him and the scallywag to the children. I know she does not give me the same respect. But I do that so that it can't be said that I am the one that caused the children to hate her the way they do.

I think I am starting to let go but I am not sure. Yes I love him. Yes I want him to come home---if and when he is ready. Yes I am standing for my marriage, because I believe in the marriage, I believe in reconciliation, and I believe we can be an even better couple. I also believe the scallywag has a lot to do with what is going on. I know she is filling his head with BS. Like you told me V, this is an addiction and it has to burn out on its own. But I also believe that if we don't make it, I know it was not because of me. And he already knows if and when he returns it will be on MY terms not his.

[little1]

What is cake eating exactly? I have tried searching but because there are so many different opinions I don't understand it.

My weekend plans:

-Wednesday...Going to hold off on the park and instead get a couple of hours of sleep. I want to get started on my yard so ds will play outside and help me
-Thursday...DS to the park after DD15 dropped off at school for her first day of High School
...Spend day with DS
...DD18 and I will cook dinner together. We come up with some of the most off the wall things to cook but its fun.
...Help DD15 with homework
...Coffee with a friend in the evening.

As dumb as some people may think this is, my favorite sound in the world is listening to my children talk and laugh and interact with each other. Especially when DS goes into a laughter fit.

[little1]

After I posted I got to thinking about how I said that I thought something was funny or I was laughing. Then I thought that someone would be offended by it. If I offended anyone I apologize, that was not my intention. I realized that maybe I need to explain myself a little bit.

I have being doing this alone for a year now. I have had NOBODY to talk to, ask questions, vent to, whatever. I find this place, so scared and so terrified. I literally spent days reading every post, every comment, everything. And when I finally felt safe, I registered. Because I felt here I would not be yelled at or laughed at or told I was stupid for doing what I am doing. Here I could find direction, help, a shoulder to cry on, or a boot up my butt if needed. I can read what others are going through, what they tried, what works. Here I feel safe. Here I feel like people honestly care and truly want to help no matter the outcome.

And for a year, I have dealt with this on my own. Keeping everything inside, no one to talk to. And I think its the relief I feel to know I am not alone or isolated or stupid. That is why I said I had to laugh or whatever.

I thought about editing that post but then decided against it. I have nothing to fear here. But I do not want to offend anyone or have any one think I am not serious about this or think any of this is a big joke. Believe me I am not any of those things. I am a scared single mother with a WH that took up with a scallywag.