MLC Funhouse continues

[job]

If he feels comfortable in writing out his feelings, then address some of the things that you would like to speak to him about. I would be honest and straight to the point. Do not soft tap around him. If he's truly wanting to work on the relationship, he will need to hear exactly what you need and what the both of you need to do to work on the relationship. Maybe, at some point, a MC would be helpful to the both of you...but that would have to be brought up a bit later.

Sounds like you have experience a little bit of MLC yourself, i.e., how the depression may life look to you. Sometimes this happens when one spouse has a serious depression/MLC, when they come out of the fog, the other one tends to enter their own fog. Not everyone does, but there have a been a few who have done just that on the forum many years ago.

[HaWho]

I agree completely Job-I will talk to him face to face. This way I can take his pulse,too. Plus I have some questions that need answering without him having to much time to think about his responses.

And I do hear you on the potential that a letter might come back to bite me.

Any other advice is much appreciated.

[HaWho]

My gut tells me I did have a MLC, but was a wallower. I think I went into the fog and he followed. When I woke up he was well into replay and I never noticed what he was doing. I was angry at him for years; it was an anger that was palpable.

Over the weekend I told him some of the things I experienced and he said "you are ahead of me."

He was shocked to learn that I too wanted an apartment and to escape my life. He asked if I wanted affairs. I did not. But I know I came in and out of the house for MANY, MANY months without looking at my H or even saying a word to him. I left the house without saying goodbye. For many months, when I heard him pulling in the garage, if the kids weren't home, I left through the front door before he came through the garage door. I bristled when he came near me. I cringed when he hugged me.

Then one day I remember looking at him and out of the clear blue, thinking, wow, he is handsome! When I approached him he looked at me like I was nuts and I had NO idea why.

I went somewhere and I don't remember a lot of it. But when I have read accounts from MLCers, I all of a sudden remember doing that exact same thing.

I didn't do one kind thing for my H in all those years. I did monster a bit.

I have tried to look for accounts where one spouse follows another. Have not seen too many. But I think I am one of those cases.

[HaWho]

Had face to face conversation w/H. Discussed what I needed from him in R. He says he agrees to my terms/needs.

Conversation was different from any past R talks we have ever had. There was a maturity/calmness to it that I think we always lacked. Neither one of us dredged up past issues for the sake of making our own cases/scoring points. Unlike past R talks we did not go around in circles. Instead, the discussion centered on what we each need for the future.

I am still trying to make sense of a lot of what happened to me. H says that what he went through was very painful. In discussing the last few months post BD, he indicated he just wanted to be alone all the time. He indicated he tried to be out of the house all the time because being home was a constant reminder that there was really nothing for which to be home. It reminded him of my withdrawal and the house was cold.

When I started cooking, baking, playing music and coming "alive" again, H slowly started to return home. As these changes in me became real, he stayed home more often. At first, he was home but with his door always closed. But slowly, he sometimes left it open. I never went to him during this period unless absolutely necessary. One thing that surprised me was that although H asked for time and space, he said it hurt him that I never once came to his room during the night. I validated this but also reminded him that he told me, adamantly, to leave him alone. He apologized and said he forgot this.

Like me, there is much he does not remember. Some things he remembers saying but others he denied. I don't think he was lying, I think he really can't remember.

Had I not gone through something myself, I think I would have more distrust right now. But because we somehow overlapped I think there is a certain mutual compassion between us.

If anyone knows of any accounts of one spouse following another into MLC, please let me know. I would like to read those.

[job]

You might want to do a search on Wonka. She still posts here. She went into crisis mode and then her wife (now former wife) went into crisis.

[mleigh4]

I believe I had a crisis prior to my H. For a couple of years, I was very withdrawn from him. It is a bit foggy, but I remember that I could not stand him. I didn't want to come home after work, I only did for my son. I would look at H and feel nothing but repulsed. If he touched me, I cringed. I would purposely avoid being alone with him. I would lay down with my son to help him sleep and wait for H to be asleep before going to bed. When we did make love, it was routine and boring for me. He did NOTHING right.


I started a daily exercise course alone obsessed with how I looked and started getting my nails done (totally not me) My H told me he thought I was having an affair. I wasn't at all, not even close, I just wasn't happy and blamed it on him.

My H has told me things I said, including that I wanted a divorce, and I honestly don't remember these things. He went as far as telling his parents. How could I not remember this?? It's crazy.

Then I started realizing that my life was pretty good. I had a faithful caring husband, not perfect, but a good guy. So I started coming back, but it was too late.

H told me on BD that he had been neglected for too long, that he lost all feelings for me. And here we are. I believe it was some kind of crisis because I am still standing, because when he explains how he feels I really get it, because I look at him and feel warmth and love. I feel an amazing amount of patience for him because he stood by me for a long time and I have been there. We have talked about this and have a mutual understanding that it is not on purpose, it just overcomes you.

It's hard not to blame myself sometimes, if only I knew then what I know now! I felt the way I did, but I made my way out of it a better person and happier than I have been in years. I hope the same for my H, whether we stay married or not.

[BrightFuture]

My gut tells me I did have a MLC, but was a wallower.

I think I went through this too, about 6 years ago, 3 years prior to H’s BD.
And this:

I believe I had a crisis prior to my H.

My H has told me things I said, including that I wanted a divorce, and I honestly don't remember these things. He went as far as telling his parents. How could I not remember this?? It's crazy.

I actually remember telling H that wanted a D, but I vaguely remember other details about that time.

Then I started realizing that my life was pretty good. I had a faithful caring husband, not perfect, but a good guy. So I started coming back, but it was too late.

I had similar experience. Except my H didn’t intend to stand for me. He was going along with me telling him that I wanted a D. He even started looking into getting a separate CC for business. So, I cannot say that he was going to stand for our M. Actually, when he delivered his ILYBNILWY speech, he said that it would be better if we were separated at that time (of my crisis.)

The only difference is that I realized pretty quickly what I was doing and asked H to give us another chance, to which he agreed. Maybe now he is punishing me for what he felt, for the hurt I caused him back then. And I think I paid 10-fold for that.

[HaWho]

Several updates:

H and I are continuing to talk more. He has opened up a lot more about day-to-day stuff. We now recap our days with each other, discuss interesting things we read/heard.

A few days ago, H asked how I was doing with everything. I was honest and said I am confused. H said that happens sometimes in life. He asked if I was happy having him around more. I answered I do.

Internally I have moments of intense panic. I wonder what happened to me and I feel so bad for abandoning him for so long. I wonder why he stuck by me for so long with such patience. I have a lot of guilt.

Then, on the heels of this, I feel so hurt by his BD & subsequent detachment. As soon as I feel what he has done to me, then, no sooner do I remember all the pain I inflicted on him. I assume he is experiencing the same.

Each day I go through this same cycle, usually it happens in the morning. I let myself experience it for a bit and then I turn on music until it subsides.

I feel like I wasted so much time. But I know that I could not stop what happened to me nor could I even see I was going through whatever that was.

[job]

Please try to stop feeling like you need to punish yourself for what happened to you a few years ago. It was out of your control, it happened and now it's in the past. Yes, what you went thru is very similar to what your h is going thru and you are a bit more understanding of what he's going thru. There will come a time when you both can sit down and discuss the circumstances of the why's, what's and what ifs. But that time is not now.

Continue as you have been, i.e., being a friend in listening and sharing. Do not judge or point fingers at him. He's still fragile and needs to know his home is a safe place to always land and feel comfortable.

[HaWho]

Thank you Job so much. I needed to hear that (again) and I need to continue to work on leaving the past behind.

And yes, with H I will continue as I have been. I still follow his lead for the most part. He has been extremely sleepy lately. Dozes off, not like him at all. He says he does not know what is wrong with him/why he is so tired. His face looks tired too.

He now asks me for advice on certain things. These are "common sense" things he should know/used to know. I answer kindly and give no indication that it is odd he does not know the answers. This is hard as some of what he asks about is so "common sense" it is alarming he does not see the answer readily. Very alarming to witness.

But he is more capable of handling things that overwhelmed him even a few weeks ago. His patience is back to what it was. He used to be SO patient. He is no longer overwhelmed by kids' noises. When he does become irritable over something he immediately cracks a joke. He can again advise kids like a parent should. He asks about things I need help with, too. I tread lightly here. I want to encourage him and show appreciation but don't want to overwhelm him.