I dont see being the lighthouse meaning sitting around waiting forever. Yes,it may involve holding off on a new relationship but one that most aren't ready for anyway. To me, being that lighthouse, static or not, is just about continuing to move forward with your life and changing into the best person you can possibly be(which we should all be doing anyway).
That better person may be a beacon that shows the WAS the way home,it may not. The work to change themselves is still on them to figure out, that beacon can just have a small amount of influence to point them in the right direction.
After someone is divorced and is ready for a healthy relationship, then is the point they decide if they close to door to R with the WAS or keep standing. Each person is going to have a different time line of when that happens. I think many use the letting go line as a way to jump into a new relationship when they know they aren't in a healthy enough place to do so. It's more a means to force the pain away than actually moving on.
Point being, you can be the lighthouse and move forward with your life at the same time. It doesn't have to be a separate action when you let go.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fair enough. BTW, I am not planning on any new R for quite a while. I agree with what you are saying about moving forward and being the lighthouse at the same time. I am however skeptical that W will have even moved past her A before 2017. I am not planning, or have a date in mind, but if the opportunity presents itself in a year or so to connect with someone else, then I am not going to close the door on that because I am hoping to R with STBX. That's all I am saying really.
I am definitely not interested in "connecting" with someone else TO move forward. That is just ridiculous. Even more so for us LBSs on here.
With a new R, I wouldn't really be closing the door on R with STBX, I would just be otherwise committed. Say that R ends after a year, the door would be open again, as open as it would be to any prospective partner I guess. Yes there would be the added incentive to reunite the family, but I am done with the "at ANY cost" suggestion. I would rather be single. My kids will be well and truly in the swing of it by then. Even though it would always be better to have their parents together, W has dashed that now and given my realizations over the past few days - I am not going to stand for that anymore. I am going to order NMMNG today.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Keep going Py. I have been a little self absorbed in my own little roller coaster party and not much use to anyone but have read what you have written which has given me more insight and reflection. Thank you dear Py.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
thanks for stopping by Smothy. I value a few close friends above a 1000 FB friends. I am feeling like a new post is coming on - the past few days have been tumultuous and I believe I have found some peace (again). I am so very tired though, having to find peace all the time, it is exhausting.
Take care of you. -Py
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
Been lurkin'around. There is no DB sitch hapenning over here really. As in D not going to be busted. L-ing continues at snails' pace. Just moving along, rolling with the punches. Some events in my life have occured, L-ing being one of them, but really no change WRT D. Still ICing, DBing my own self, will post more maybe about my own path/growth, but no real setbacks. I am more or less settled into this D just going ahead. I am still open to R, but that is not only looking like the distant back end of a boat on the horizon - it is looking like I am hoping it doesn't tac back this way.
Because ^^, I dont really have anything constructive to say for D-Busters to consider. Maybe D-accepters. Anyway, seems like it would be pure self-indulgent journaling at this stage. I'm always thinking about you my friend and my fellow DBers here.
Take care my friend. -Py
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
I want this to be a gift and goddamit it's going to be a gift. just because..........
And I am not going to be persuaded differently.
It's my choice this gift, I give it to myself along with time. If others don't want a gift I am sad for them. It's not a free gift after all I paid the price.
When I eventually open the gift I shall accept whatever is given, even if it's fresh air or the kohinoor diamond. That is my higher powers plan for me. I shall open the gift carefully in case there is a booby trap.
You never know, perhaps it's a pass the parcel gift.
The music stopped, I take off another layer.i haven't reached it yet, perhaps I should just keep the ribbon tied on it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Been lurkin'around. There is no DB sitch hapenning over here really. As in D not going to be busted. L-ing continues at snails' pace. Just moving along, rolling with the punches. Some events in my life have occured, L-ing being one of them, but really no change WRT D. Still ICing, DBing my own self, will post more maybe about my own path/growth, but no real setbacks. I am more or less settled into this D just going ahead. I am still open to R, but that is not only looking like the distant back end of a boat on the horizon - it is looking like I am hoping it doesn't tac back this way.
Because ^^, I dont really have anything constructive to say for D-Busters to consider. Maybe D-accepters. Anyway, seems like it would be pure self-indulgent journaling at this stage. I'm always thinking about you my friend and my fellow DBers here.
Take care my friend. -Py
Almost 100% of this applies to me. Shoot, BD was over a year ago and we're just starting mediation now. First mediation on 7/2 and I haven't heard from anyone since. Someday I dream of being a snail's pace.
And yes, my R is pretty much cooked. Like you it's way beyond whether WAS changes her mind, which if it occurred would likely be years away. But then too I've learned more about who I am, what I want, and who knows if WAS would ever be strong enough to step up in the ways she'd have to before I'd consider R.
Not to say it's impossible, but statistically speaking most of these sitches don't turn around. Think of Mozza's success links. What if you made a thread of divorce links (assuming we had the true info from those that disappear)? It would be pretty grim.
But I am so grateful for this site. I mean, I'm a different person than I was a year ago. Totally prepared to be a single dad, and a better H to someone down the road should that door open someday to someone. I am a better dad. And I will never have regrets about how I stood for my M and how I acted according to my beliefs. As a reward I have been freed from most of the negative emotions, both from pain, from anger, from fear, resentment, and from dependency. If someday my M miraculously comes back together in an acceptable way, that would almost be small potatoes compared to this.
I think you're feeling the same some of the time, and will more and more. And I PROMISE you have more personal growth ahead of you. So do keep journaling, and keep supporting your friends, and maybe some newbies along the way. Thanks Py and have a great weekend!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
it is hard to know when being a D buster stops and being a D acceptor starts.
hearing more lies from H is really testing my own resolve and I feel I am not respecting myself by putting up with more and more. I don't know how much more STFU smoothies I can swallow!
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
