Still Struggling with a plan!

[hopeOK]

From your other thread ....

Trying to get out of his head & to stop worrying so much about all that. This is difficult. I think because if you care about saving your marriage, it is only natural to think about what your spouse is thinking, going through, needing, etc. It doesn't help that we have been an avoid-avoid type relationship (found this out in our marital counseling) and this got us into a lot of our problems before. We both stuffed our resentments & then exploded on each other when we couldn't hold it in any longer. So we tended to avoid conflict and discussions about the conflicts whenever possible. So then in marriage counseling we learned how to address these things. And now... I am suppose to back off & wait for him to use the counseling skills & address his issues? I just have so much conflicting information ... my counselor is even suggesting doing something different. So no wonder I am at war with myself on what my best approach should be.

I found that the DB techniques felt so opposite of what I 'felt' I should be doing .... but then I realized, I spent 24 years doing what I 'felt' I should be doing and the more I pressed .. the more she ran. Even now as we are BOTH commited and BOTH actively doing the work to rebuild our M and our Trust ... I still catch myself pursuing, because when I do she pulls back ... its the Push-Pull dance one you must figure out Hope .. because by your posts .. you are pushing alot .. and your H is definately pulling away .... so how do you counter this?? Yup.. YOU PULL BACK and let him come to you.

I totally get this. When we were in counseling for his affair & we learned the role we each played in leading up to it, we figured out that I had withdrawn & he pursued. Then the affair changed the dynamic. All of a sudden, I was the pursuer. I was shocked into reality and was afraid of losing the marriage. He was in his fog & I was pursuing heavy. Then as time went along & we went through counseling, I think we both evened out. Still working through issues, but no clear pursuer/withdrawer roles.

Then bam... we are back in it. Except instead of the roles we played for years (him pursuing, me distancing), I am pursuing as I did at finding out about the affair. Because he is pulling away from me in his hurt.

So definitely totally get this. Yes. Get this 100%. But because I have played both roles, it is hard for me to find the medium. I think I am doing much better at not pursuing. Still mess up from time to time & confront when I am feeling crazy panicked... but that is my new refocused 180 goal & I feel good about that.

I guess the struggle I have is that when I think about him coming to me, I realize I could be waiting for a very long time not to mention that there is possible outside interference w/ the OW that I will not stick around if indeed something happens there.

Started reading "His Needs, Her Needs" today. I am intrigued. I think it could be helpful for us. Those that have read it, when did you & how did you see if your spouse would read it?

Simple answer ... when they are all in .. but even then some spouses are not as active in the M as others, your H may feel that his efforts should be enough, the fact he is merely physically there should show you ... by you wanting him to read the book you would feel that he finally cares about the M the same way you do ... this most likely is not the case.

I know this because I am the same .. I have read 5 M help books and W is only 1/2 through the first one we 'started together' ... its not how she operates, nor does it mean she doesn't care about me or our M ... but I used to think that way to be honest.

Allow his some room to breathe, do not suffocate him .. nor start tossing 'fix it ' books in his direction, if he asks you what you are reading .. then by all means share, leave it out .. maybe he picks it up .... maybe he sets his iced tea on it .. allow him some space and the room to move in your relationship.

Ok, I definitely can see what you are saying. I will leave them around & see if he ends up picking them up.