Went for Gold - got the Bronze

[cruiserrg]

Hap,

I haven't read through all of your threads, but was asked by Nik to stop by. I can also relate to where you are at to some extent. I mean to say that there are time I too question if I got all that I wanted.

The answer for my Right Now is no I didn't get all that I wanted. I also realize I probably won't, noone gets everthing they want. It really comes down to needs being met.

Well enough about me...reading through your thread, T2 and Opt have great insight and are wise DB'ers who helped me along the journey and continue to do so. We all get to this stage you are at once the WAS comes home and we can finally look at the needs and wants we have put aside to focus on getting them home.

I'll pick a few things out of your replies that caught my eyes:

It seems I do not want to examine how much I don’t feel the way he does.

This is the time to start looking at those needs and wants you have put to the side for a time. You do have to be careful with this. We can't have it all. No relationship is going to provide us everything we need. There are things my W does or doesn't do that I would like her to. They aren't "deal breakers" for me, so for now I look past them because the foundation of our M is what I want. Have you looked and examined your emotional needs? This is something we must to and work to build effective enought communication with our S so we can approach them as well with things we want and desire for our emotional well being.

Heck I will even ML with him (he only seems to need it couple of times a month, and I need it too after all).

I wanted to only ask if his reply to this would be the same. You say it only seem like..., this again can be detrimental to the R. You need to be able to communicate with him to find out if he truely feels this way, and not actually "acting as-if" with you as he can sense you don't want to be that close with him.

I want him to be a strong brave hero-like person. That is not the person he is, it has never been the person he is or is ever likely to be.

Have you allowed him the chance to be the hero for you once and a while? In my mind DB'ing has to slowly fade away as you build a true relationship. I don't know for certian, but I sense you continue to DB, while not allowing your true feeling to be shared with him. You can't do this all at once, but you have to begin at some point to live true to yourself in the R. Maybe let him know it would be nice to be "saved" and then give him a chance to do so with something specific. He can't read your mind, tell him a way he can help you and be specific.

I feel like one day I will meet a soulmate and maybe it will even be H, maybe it will be someone else and maybe it will be a girlfriend but I don’t feel in any rush to do that. [\quote]

That is quite the lofty expectation for your husband or anyone for that matter. Do you truely feel there is one and only one exact perfect person for you on this earth? How would you ever expect to find this person if he or she exsisted? It is totally unrealistic. You would never demand such a perfection from a close friend so why from your H?

God places people in our lives for many reasons. I don't know if you are religious, but some contimplation on how Jesus would accept people would be of some help. In fact Sundays lenten relection was of the Lady at the well. A good teaching on this, and there are many many more in the Bible.

I guess my point to this, is that you say you are acting as if with your H. I have said it to other and will relay it here. Acting as if is not done properly by many. I feel it is doing as if. Your approach to your husband is letting you down because of your expectations. You are going into the "acting" when I feel people should "do as if". What I mean to say is that you have to approach your H "as if" he is your "soul mate". You are doing things with the expectation he will fail. And he does because your approach is tainted with that expectation.

Try for a week to do everything you would do with someone that is your "soul mate", and do it without expectations, go into it knowing he is your soul mate. You won't see change immediately but you will see change.

Allow yourself this and don't "act", but rather "do". You are not in love with him, because your are not allowing yourself to do so. You are holding him at arms length, how does this give him the chace to "win" you over?

If you have or haven't read 5 Love Languages, I suggest to re-read that book again cover to cover. Reflect on it and see how you notion about a soul mate and falling in love are keeping your R where it is.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you can have what you want. From what you have posted your H seems to be to the point he want to be all you want. Just give him the chance to be and let him know slowly how he can do that, and then let him do it. He has all the power to be what you want, let him in rather than hold him back.

Keep us updated and and it may help to list out specific goals you can to do accomplish what I am talking about. List out what you really need, and then list out what you have been doing to keep your H from fulfilling your needs.