I agree this is a time for me to find out what I want and who I am. I feel comfortable with that. I feel like right now I am living in my family in the same sense as living in your original family. It is a comfortable workable place to be and in a sense a launching pad for where you want to be. That does not mean I want to launch myself into a new relationship, just to a different life where I feel I am using my talents to the full and giving back some of the things I have received.
I feel like one day I will meet a soulmate and maybe it will even be H, maybe it will be someone else and maybe it will be a girlfriend but I don’t feel in any rush to do that. My children are the focus of my heart right now and I feel like I know what to do to keep H happy and here. I do that more for their sake than for mine but at least I am living in a happy household not a miserable one.
Part of this is about detaching. I am detaching from H and hopefully that will give him some space to grow and learn too. I don’t know if we will get to a place where we can really talk about the process of how that happens or whether just by leaving him be and being his friend he will just find his own path without me getting in the way.
Sometimes – I have to confess – I feel like he is like a pet. You know kind of comforting to have around but not on the same level as a person who you can know mind to mind. I think maybe I have always felt that way about him. He is a very quiet and separate soul who expresses himself physically rather than verbally. I think when I met him that was what I needed right then, but in the long run I would rather have a mind relationship with someone.
