OK I know right now it does not make any sense to you however if he has an OW then "let him go" it may not suppose to be her job because you think you are still married - however it is best to let the two of them make or break this relationship on their own without any HELP from you. If I was a betting person I would bet that it will fail 99% of the time. You do not want him back until he is FIXED, you do not want to be OW #2. Right now that is where you are headed.
I know that the advice is counter intuitive and that is what DB is all about.
The point is for you to save your marriage and make a good NEW relationship/marriage. Not build on a bad foundation of the relationship that you already had/have.
If their relationship implodes then that is good and right according to the script.
Stand back and do not get hurt by the shrapnel from the implosion.
Thanks Cadet - that makes sense. I'm sure it will implode sooner or later. I don't know if it ever got to PA but it was serious enough where he talked about divorce/leaving and was making *plans* with her. We are both still in the same home now & I have to be around him all the time. Plus our 2 little girls... they know things are a bit weird but nothing serious.... He keeps coming to me (prob because I'm detaching)... so that's where I get all befuddled. I see that we can't really move on until she's out of the picture. And I don't want to just be "second best". UGH.
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Last night went better. I tried to just validate and be neutral. No serious discussion but at least he came to me and was cordial. As far as I can tell, the OW hasn't replied to him either. One thing I'm not sure about... he said it seemed like I was just playing games. I responded no, just trying to take it one day at a time. Not sure if that was the best response. He's asked that before. We're going on a week long trip starting on Sunday, so, close quarters, with the kids, and some of his pastor peers. He'll be pretty uptight, I imagine. He even expressed some frustration about being around them. Advice? I know, listen & validate (which I did last night - yay!)
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
You are not going to FIX him and there is nothing you can do to make this go faster, although you can slow it down by not following the detachment advice.
Nope it is not a game, I think the response to him for that question might just be:
I understand what you are saying and sorry you feel that way.
Things are in flux... he hasn't heard back from the OW as far as I can tell. He tried to talk again last night (late & half drunk). I did some validation & empathy. He didnt' like the empathy part... maybe I mispoke. He left. Then today he said he was having second thoughts about quitting the ministry but just didn't want to be here (which is understandable)... at least he didn't say he wanted to go back to where we were...
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
ugh. We had a really really good week. I keep thinking, we really need to talk about things in the open but we both don't want the "good feelings" to go away. So yesterday... It was a long day at work for me, I came home & he had things taken care of (which is kinda rare, though not always). I was thankful, so I went over to him and since he was sitting down, I kissed him on the forehead and said thanks for taking care of stuff around the house. Later, he approached me about feeling like that was condescending - like I'm "Ward Cleaver" coming home from work and kissing the wifey (him). Its typical for us... he's so sensitive about stuff and I just don't get it. I tried to listen and validate but also got a bit irritated and said we don't want to talk about things that are so difficult to talk about but we need to....
Which launched into the infidelity stuff. He only wants to talk about it on his terms and he says I only want to talk about it on my terms. My only terms are his honesty. He insists on knowing what I know and *how*... which I'm not going to play into that. He can use that for all kinds of manipulation. So I don't know how to get past this. What now??
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Things have been really busy on the board. Last week, we had a really really good week. I keep thinking, we really need to talk about things in the open but we both don't want the "good feelings" to go away. So Monday... It was a long day at work for me, I came home & he had things taken care of (which is kinda rare, though not always). I was thankful, so I went over to him and since he was sitting down, I kissed him on the forehead and said thanks for taking care of stuff around the house.
Later, he approached me about feeling like that was condescending - like I'm "Ward Cleaver" coming home from work and kissing the wifey (him). Its typical for us... he's so sensitive about stuff and I just don't get it. I tried to listen and validate but also got a bit irritated and said we don't want to talk about things that are so difficult to talk about but we need to....
Which launched into the infidelity stuff. He only wants to talk about it on his terms and he says I only want to talk about it on my terms. My only terms are his honesty. He insists on knowing what I know and *how*... which I'm not going to play into that. He can use that for all kinds of manipulation. So I don't know how to get past this. What now?? He won't relent until he knows *how* I know. I don't think it's wise or safe for me to reveal how I gathered hard evidence, KWIM?
threads merged stick to one until 100 posts
Last edited by Cadet; 07/29/1507:03 PM. Reason: merged
