The book of Lou - Chapter 4

[LouR]

Thank you Gwen, its always good to hear from you. I value what you have to say always, never think otherwise.

I keep a bunch of those motivational sayings to try to motivate me. Sometimes they are just rubbish but in your situation I am reminded of this one saying...

"Don't treat someone as a priority when they are treating you as an option."

I have loads of those inspirational quotes scrolling around my laptop, I change them often as to how I am feeling. I looked back at the ones I had when h first left, then my angry "I hate all men" stage ha ha, then looking to the future ones. I love em all, but like my music, I cant look at the ones from the beginning anymore, too many memories - I even turn the radio down if a song I used to repeatedly play comes on. As for yours - yep I get it. I am not his priority, nor should I be right now, but I am also not really an option - he is not treating me as a fall back if all goes wrong, he knows that I deserve a man who loves and adores me unconditionally with all his heart and treats me like the rare gem that I am. He cannot be that person right now, he knows that, so is doing everything possible to make himself well again in the hope of becoming that person. I am fully aware that he may change direction, that this unravelling of the confusion he is feeling may indeed change his current thoughts about me, but in that case I can know that I did everything I could, I gave us that chance.

H is not happy but is he treating you as the W and mother of his children? Is he caring for you or is he even capable right now?

He is absolutely treating me as the mother of his children, we are now fully co parenting and he has stepped up with the problems we are facing with s18 right now. We discuss our children regularly - much to our sons annoyance as now they cant play one off against the other lol. As for being his W - I am not his wife, only on paper, we are still separated and there is no plans to reconcile at this point. He cares very much for me and has said as much, he said that we have been together a long time, been through so much and I am the mother of his children, if I need anything I only need ask I know he would do it - I haven't because I dont want to become reliant on him, I need to remain independent.



So things have changed AGAIN.

Got a text from h tonight informing me that s18 was now living with him. I was not happy that he went against my wishes moving s in with ow and their weird living arrangements so text him back saying so but added that I know its him in charge at the moment so I am sure he had good reason.

H text back that he felt he could be better for s18 having him close and that is was only him and s now anyway .....whoa ....did I just read that correctly !!

So I questioned it and he deflected, talked about s again. So I asked if he was avoiding and he said yes, he wants to keep his two lives separate, its easier for him to process them that way. So by this time curiosity has got the better of me -

So I tried a different tack, said I respect what he said, I hope that it was not to do with what I said yesterday and sorry if it was. Then changed the subject back to s

H text me back that yes it was to do with what I said yesterday and he really does not want to talk about it, that he will in the future but not right now. It needs to be this way for him and he is sorry about that.

So I like to think (because I can) that he discovered I was right ...yeah yeah I know, its all hearsay and guessing, but its the fun version, so am going with it.

DING DONG THE OW HAS GONE

I replied that he should not be sorry, I respect his request and I know that his priority is building relationship with sons and working on himself to fix his head and then if he/I still want us then he will be in it 100%, that i did listen to what he said, I occasionally do !!

He replied that he now has that in writing and a few silly texts went back and forth until he said that it was bedtime for him - he signed off Night Night x - something that he used to do.

I was a lot better today at respecting his wishes and privacy and not pushing for answers.

In the GAL department, a couple of throw away comments today made me think, one was "why are you a cleaner, you are so much better than this" and the other was " how is anyone else going to live up to you if you ever leave" - I don't know if those people have any idea what impact those comments would have on me. I told h and he said - that's always been the case, whatever you do, you excel at it - I am starting to get it, slowly its sinking in -