Wow I cannot believe I have not been on the board for nearly 3 months! I think I got to the point where I felt all that navel gazing was not necessarily productive anymore and I had to just get on and live my life.
Christmas went well. I showered H in gifts including new wedding ring and he was very appreciative. In-laws were being sickeningly nice to me they worship the ground I walk on because I managed to rope their renegade son back into the M – LOL
Well the state of the M at present is that H seems happy. Always saying ILY, buys flowers from time to time (something he NEVER did before) and just generally loving kind etc. But for me it is different. I am happy as long as he doesn’t want to get mushy. It seems I do not want to examine how much I don’t feel the way he does. I am OK just getting on with my life and I am happy that he feels OK in this R and that it no longer feels like a stormcloud has just walked into my house whenever he comes through the door.
I feel certain now that I do not love him. I am OK with him, I don’t mind being around him and sharing bringing up kids with him. Heck I will even ML with him (he only seems to need it couple of times a month, and I need it too after all). But I just don’t want to get mushy with him. I don’t want to hold hands and sit staring into each other’s eyes. I only say ILY in response to him and often not then. I don’t know if he has noticed this.
DB is about acting-as-if and about being friends with someone. Well that is what is happening here I act as if and we are friends. But I am not in love. I constantly question what ever got into me when I fell for him. When he does something dumb or wimpy I just feel like rolling my eyes, but I don’t I am just pleasant to him and overlook his faults. I want him to be a strong brave hero-like person. That is not the person he is, it has never been the person he is or is ever likely to be. I think he looked to me to be that person that is why he married someone six years older than him.
I do not want D. I just don’t know what my life is about. Part of me says romantic love is not the be all and end all in life. I need to focus on other stuff, enjoy my life for what it is, be thankful that I have two wonderful children and a kind and loving husband who is a good provider. I also have many wonderful friends and a close loving family.
That is why I am not on this board much. I feel like I DB’d, it worked and this is where it got me. The bronze medal – fine.
Fran
Last edited by haphazard; 03/14/0402:44 PM.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
