Falling Pianos: Wayward Wife & LRT (8)

[Defacto]

Wow, de facto, my ww brought up the same thing. She said there were a couple times 4-5 throughout our 14 year history that she would have sex with me even though she didn't want to and wouldn't say no or ask to stop during. Looking back in those moments I guess I essentially wore her down by almost begging in a sense. Nothing physical or threatening like most assume when rape is brought up.

Every time happened after I was drinking, but no where near every time I drank did this occur. We would talk about it the next morning and it seemed to be ok and we'd continue to have sex.

She tried to get therapy, but in the end, didn't do the work or want to do the work to get past it.

I hate it because I take that extremely seriously and definitely don't consider myself someone who would take and violate someone else. However, if you say "ok" and have sex with me how do I know you don't want to. For me it felt like every sitcom you'd see. Married guy wants sex from his wife and she doesn't give in very often so he begs and pleads and eventually she say ok and he's happy.

That was a lot of our relationship, but I never constituted that as rape.

Thanks for sharing from your personal sitch, Rip. I often wonder why my STBX didn't bring up this incident before BD but then I realize that she probably didn't feel safe sharing that with me due to the present state of MR. For me, just like with all the other issues in my sitch, I need to strongly consider how my STBX feels about the incident. Based on her past, I highly doubt she would exaggerate her feelings about something this serious. However, when she has mentioned this incident previously, she brings it up like a cataloging of my past wrongs to counteract her misdeeds. Like a "I know I did something wrong but do all of our friends know what you did wrong" kind of thing.

Interactions with W look great defacto, keep up the great work. That allegation she's made is tough with the situation you're in but I think your doing the beat you can. I can understand thinking it may be her justifying things that have happened. You atill validated her concerns and told her professional help would be needed. I'm not sure you can fully apologize for something that may or may not happened but you are respecting the fact that right now she has those feelings and aren't discounting them. In the future if things do change it can be something that's looked into deeper with help.

Thanks Fogg. I think that is really the only way to deal with this incident in the future. I will respond with the sensitivity required when brought up again. If we ever R, this will be another item for the therapist to work with us on.