I'm not doing well. I am an investigator and I put a keylogger on the computer that she sometimes uses. Just before I left I got her facebook password. I saw tonight that they were talking and she was asking him if he wanted to change his mind. I think it was about them getting together. He told her your kids hate me and her response was So..... That just burns me up. I told my 27 year old daughter and she is furious. I think its over. I am seriously thinking about asking for a divorce when I get home next week. It's not what I want but I see the writing on the wall
It's tough, but you have to stop with this now. All it does is hurt you. And drive her away.
There is no "ruined it". Put in the work. You never know what may happen. Feelings change.
But you have to DO the work. You can't just sit around waiting.
I found this site about 2 months ago and I am afraid that I ruined it before I found this site. I did all the things that are wrong, I cried begged, pleaded. I also tracked her phone and followed her and busted her. I told our daughters about her EA and now our oldest (really my step daughter) will not talk to her. They have exchanged a few texts but they have not been good. She blames me for turning her daughter against her even though our daughter has told her I have my own mine and what you are doing is wrong. I hope I can recover.
Read people's situations Mavrik. We ALL did everything wrong before we found this site. We all did what was natural. It's not natural to find out your W is having an affair and just say, "ok, I'll just focus on me and how awesome I am."
I wrote letters, shot a freakin video, sent texts, emails, you name it. YOU NAME IT. We all did. That's the past, let it go and focus on the now.
How can you stop the divorce if she wants to be with someone else? You can't. So don't focus on that. All you can do is make yourself into the man she wants to be with and then see what happens. One way is a guaranteed ending that you don't want. The other is a small chance, but one that leaves you in a much better place either way.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I did something I know people will probably not agree with. I have seen messages that my wife had with her EA and they are making plans. I have seen quote pins on pintrest that lead me to believe this as well. I talked to a female friend of ours that knows us both yesterday. I told her that I was doing 180 and she agreed that was okay to do but that I still needed to let my wife know that I cared. Not that I would be around forever but just an occasional small not or gesture to let her know. I decided to text her last night and say. I know I have made mistakes. I don't know how to be right now. All I know is that I miss you terribly and if there is any chance for us I want to take it. If she says No then fine. I believe she is gonna go to her mom's house 500 miles away but in the same town as her EA. He lives in a camper behind his mom's house so I don't know if that would be where she would live. She will be leaving not just me but md 17D who still lives with us and our 26D who will be getting married in less than a year. 26D will not talk to her and of course wife blames me. My 17D is furious with her but puts up with her because they have to live together. But if she leaves it isn't going to be good. But at this point my wife isn't concerned about the kids just herself. I saw a message that she told him she comes with 2 daughters that are not always very nice. He says, yeah i see that and they hate me. My wife says... So. That is just crazy. They were her world before her dad died. She will be back but the question will be will I still be here for her or moved on. I don't know. I just know I love her very much and dont want to lose her but i know i can't stop her.
Your W is leaving you to go be with another man, and your response is to tell her how much you miss and love her? I'm sure you've done that before - why would this time be any different? A note like that just undermines any boundaries you set - "if you walk out that door, there's no coming back! Unless you want to. Or it's kinda sunny out..."
Nobody here knows you. But why would you trust your friend's advice over all of the experience and knowledge here? I believe you got impatient. You hoped THIS note would be the one to change her mind.
My advice? There is no amount of patience that will be too much.
I believe she is gonna go to her mom's house 500 miles away but in the same town as her EA. He lives in a camper behind his mom's house so I don't know if that would be where she would live
Seriously??? WOW!! Okay, this is just my opinion, first listen to what Azzork is telling you. Second, if I was saw messages between my wife and this "WONDERFUL" man that lives in a camper behind his mom's house, I would shake her hand, give her a can of bug spray and wish her well! D17 would be staying with me.
Your screen name is Mavrik!! Would Mavrik really tell his girl how much he missed her and loved her while she was involved with the camper boy? "Come on Mav, do some of that pilot s__t"!!!
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
Mavrik, your W is wayward, and she is not going to be the woman you have known all these years. Therefore, you cannot expect her to act the same as before, and more importantly, you cannot continue to deal with her and this situation as you would have in the past. You have to take a different approach.
A wayward wife is not logical, therefore you cannot reason with her. A WW is the epitome of selfishness. She will put her own desires ahead of anyone else (H, kids, family, friends, etc.) She will risk her reputation, career, friendships/relationships, even give up her kids, to be with her OM.
She will tolerate less than the lifestyle she's become accustomed to, in order to be with the OM. However, she will put her own security first. (That's where she'll use you....as her backup plan.) She will try to drain you of your last penny, charge everything she can, talk you into financing her affair (car payment, insurance, gas, phone, etc.).
All cheaters lie, as she's already proven. You cannot trust her about anything.
A WW will play the victim, justify her reasons the M didn't work out, try to turn your kids against you, and play you for the biggest sucker that ever lived (at least you'll feel that way). She will twist and turn things around to make you feel as though it's all your fault. You'll be apologizing for her A, if you aren't careful. Everyone makes mistakes in M, but nobody is forced into an affair. It was a choice.
Do not trust her female friend. That woman will tell your WW everything you say! Besides, she obviously doesn't know the mindset of a WW. Few people do understand that mindset, unless they have either experienced being a WW, or going through the hell of having one for a W.
If you are interested, I have 3 threads on the WW. Cadet has it listed in his first post to you. Also, many people have found that the 37 rules helps them get on track when first coming to terms with a stitch such as yours. I hope you'll read about detaching, b/c it is not what most folks think about detaching.
Posting as much as you can, is important.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was really just gonna send little notes to let her know I cared but that if I have to walk away I will. Maybe I did get a little impatient but She was a female and I thought that her perspective made sense because she knows her.
You are right in so many ways but understand it isn't my wife's friend. It is a friend of mine that happens to know my wife. She isn't gonna go tell her what I said. I detached and did the 180 and it just seemed that we grew farther apart. Even though she knows that I miss her she understands that I am out doing my own thing without her.
Okay, thanks for clarifying about the friend. Ordinarily, getting a woman's perspective would not be a bad idea. However, as I said previously, unless that friend has been wayward herself or M to one, it's likely she will underestimate the mindset of your WW. That's why MWD also suggests that you don't take advice from friends or well meaning relatives, b/c it is difficult for them to be unbiased, KWIM?
I wanted to copy and paste a quote from another post. Speaking as a former WW, I could not amen this statement loudly enough.
Quote:
the WW will continue to be waywardly until she feels she is losing the LBH ... so as long as you are on the porch waiting for her to come home she never will ... when you finally decide to live your life and do your thing ... actually DO IT rather than fake it ... when her actions no longer affect you and your life... then you might see a change like I did.
That is an example of changing the dynamics in your stitch.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. My friend did have a wayward spouse many years ago. And I was looking for a womens perspective. She basically said don't let her think you are waiting around for her but every now and then let her know you care. Maybe just a note reminding her of a good memory. Well I got burned yesterday when radiator hose on car burst. She was with me at hospital and d27 said she seemed concerned. Hopefully this will make her think
