Newcomer's sad story

[Azzork]

This may get ugly. But I'm going to try to keep quoting b

Wow - long post! But some thoughts:

Note, there is no other person. She has told me (and our counselor) that she has no intention to be with another person. Relationships are a downer for her now.

Nobody here believes there's another person. And there MAY not be. But if the shoe were on the other foot, would YOU tell HER there was another woman? What do her actions say - hiding phone? Secretive? Not sleeping the same? Etc.

I realize that others deny there is an affair, but I am confident about this. She has shown none of these signs. She had an affair 20+ years ago and promised she would never do it again. I do still trust her. She has told me her "heart is closed down" because of what has happened between us. She has had no opportunity to be going out with someone else.

Again. I'm not saying there is one. As CaliGuy said, it doesn't REALLY matter for the journey you are about to take. But it's something you may want to start filtering through your head so it doesn't wreck you later.

But moving into a different house (whether it is me or her) My fear is that if she gets into another house, our finances will go down the drain, the kids will suffer more, and she will never get to see the changes I'm making.

The changes are for you. If she's interested, she will see them. Plus, you have kids, so you'll always be connected. Honestly, being apart may highlight them more. Can you see paint dry or grass grow? What if you leave for a month?

I would love to just leave for a month. But she seems set on moving forward as quickly as possible. Which means finding another house to buy. The only thing stopping her from getting out now is that if she found a house today, there would be a few months before closing. FYI, she has indicated a number of times that the main reason she wants to move forward quickly is because the longer we are in the same house, or still legally married, the longer I am going to be holding on and hoping that we get back together. All this motivation to move quickly seems to be about getting me to give up.

HALT.
I did NOT mean to imply YOU leave for a month. I meant the following:
Can you see grass grow or paint dry? What if you come back a month later? Has it grown/dried?

My point is to not worry about your W seeing every minor change as you make it. Sometimes the distance helps as an impetus to change AND allows them to be seen in a more pronounced way.

I just don't get it, after 30 years, can't we just slow down a bit? What is the rush? I understand she wants to split up with me but I don't see why we have to move towards separate houses and plow towards the Big D as soon as possible.

See my first comment above. But it could also be that she doesn't want to question things now. Plow ahead with no questions asked to "get away". Then look around later.

I think part of it is that she doesn't want to keep questioning her decision, but it is also that she think I'm going to hold on to hope that we get back together as long as we are still under one roof, still legally married, etc. I did say once that even if we divorce we could still remarry one day and she rolled her eyes.

Yeah. That pursuit thing. Hopefully you will see to knock it off.

She. Does. Not. Want. To. Be. Your. Wife. Anymore.

But! That doesn't mean that it always has to be that way. When you got married, she DID want to be your wife. So...just remember that feelings change. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but they do change.

I have been depressed, losing weight,... To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the hope that I will get her back.

Hope is good. Hope is GREAT.
But depression is not. Who wants to be married to someone like that. Time to pick up the PMA. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. It's time to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your wife.

that's a tough one. i'm convinced we are soul mates. I'm not ready to prove to myself that otherwise is true.

Nobody here is going to tell you to magnify your wife's flaws or to stop loving her. But the point of the process here is to REATTRACT her. You can't convince, cajole, beg, plead, reason or anything else with her to repair this relationship. Your only chance is to become the person you want to be. An ATTRACTIVE person. Nobody wants to be married to a mopey, begging, needy, crying mess. Nobody. So it's time to stop being depressed! there are medicines out there, but I believe there's no better way than GALGALGAL

I know I'm supposed to detach. But I am having a hard time with that. I just love her. More than ever before. All the things that used to bug me about her before have disappeared. I can do the "Act as if" because it's acting, and down inside I am sad and wanting to be with her. But detaching means to actually let her go. To give up. No way. I just can't do that. this whole thing is supposed to be about getting her back, right? why do I have to detach? Can't I keep my love for her strong, even if it is hidden?

Where does it say that you have to stop loving her when you detach? That's not what it's sbout. It's about learning to love and prioritize YOU. She won't be ready to love you until you can love yourself again. And there is no way to do that until you detach yourself and your being from her, emotionally.

I don't get that one. Can't I love myself and still be focused on her and getting her back?

Yes. You can. But look in the mirror. Really look deep. Is the person you are today the person you strive to be? When you wake up in the morning, do you believe that THIS is your BEST you?

My guess is that if you just joined here, your answer is no. You already claimed to be depressed. But I'm guessing there are lots of other improvements you'd like to make. In your confidence. In your appearance. In your relationships. And so on.

That's why the focus should be on YOU. No matter what anybody tells you, there is nothing you can say to convince your wife to stay. Nothing. To be clear: NOTHING. The only thing you can DO is become the best GABS possible.