Today I am feeling cross with myself, I got too involved in everything going on with h and the firecracker in me reacted.
H rang to talk about s18 and ask if he had contacted me, I replied that we text the night before and that he spoke of the concert that s21 took him too and that he had spent the day with h on saturday, that they went out on the bike and then for dinner. I also said s told me that h had told him that he was no longer with ow and is moving out as soon as he can find somewhere suitable that takes dogs. S then text that he was coming back to visit g/friend in August and planned to move back Sept time, so the intention to keep him down there is not going to well.
We talked about different ideas on how to proceed, I pretty much said I was out of ideas so am following his lead on this one. And then it happened - h said he was thinking of moving s into his house with him as he feels that both s's are living like slobs and to have respect for the world starts with respecting yourself which he isn't. I said (cant remember actual words) that he should not do that, that his living situation is bizzare and he it could cause more confusion to a boy thats already confused.
H asked what I meant by that - I replied: You are living with an ex, by your own admission she seems to have no intentions of moving out, she has made it clear that she wishes it was not over between you, you have dinner together, you talk about everything now, you are relaxed around each other, you have not told her kids you have split so play happy families when they are staying with you, you take them out to the movies and dinner, you even sleep in her bedroom when they are over. That is truly screwy, I am not comfortable about it so how do you think s18 would be.
H defended himself: That it is 100% over for him, that because he has now detached from her emotionally he just lives with her as a flatmate and friend, that he respects its her decision when to tell her kids and he is ok with going along with her wishes until she feels the time is right. He feels nothing for her, she is nice to talk to now they have relaxed and stopped "trying" and the sleeping in the same bed is just that, fully clothed sleeping. When they do move out then there will be no more contact between them, that she is a nice person but he has no need to remain friendly with her at all. She was a mistake, a relationship he never intended to get in to, but she happened and there is no point making it any worse for her than necessary. I have told you, I am very confused in my head and most likely see things very differently from you right now.
I replied: ok, thats your take on it, we have established that you are messed up in the head, so whats her excuse? She is playing you, I feel she is changing tact to keep you, she has admitted she wishes you were not over. Take it from me, this is not healthy for either of you. I really dont want to be a part of this anymore.
H: You may be right about her, I don't feel you are. I have told you I am really messed up in the head, I walked away from you and our marriage for no good reason, that goes to show you how messed up I am. I cant do this right now, my focus is on s18, getting my relationship with him back on track, it stung me to know that he felt I put him behind ow and her kids and that he may have well just not have a dad anymore, that has really affected me and I need to put this right before its too late. Then I need to work on myself and get myself straight again, then it will be you and us. You need to carry on with your life, if that means you find someone else or decide you no longer want me in your life, then that's my loss, I started this, I messed up, I will have to live with the consequences. Please can we stop talking about this now, I just cant keep doing this.
I know I overstepped the boundary big time, DB went off out the window and down the street, I really let myself down ..sigh ...
I know I really need to back off and stop jumping in, I do have this part of me that is waiting for the text to say that he and ow are trying again despite h being so adamant that his living sitch is purely a convenience for him and nothing more. I suppose that if I look at how I am, my own current situation, I am alone and scared of what is next for me, feeling completely lost and not know what to do to get me out of this hole I am in. H threw me a lifeline, a possibility of having my marriage back, my family back, him back in my life. So so wrong of me to think that way; this is my life now and I really HAVE to get on with it how it is, I seem to have gone backwards ahhhhhgggg !!
Last night I wrote my resignation letter and my termination of lease letter, I have not dated them yet, but feel that perhaps if I just give them in then that would force me to change things. Drastic move but maybe what I have to do to get me moving forwards again.