Luke, I cannot begin to imagine what it is like having to deal with an STD. Really..that just suckks.
And I would be surprised if you weren't guarded. We do have to tend to our hearts in a way we didn't do before.
I used to write about my walls. Had them all my life. They were my comfort zone after a lifetime of having to learn to protect myself. They were how I got through my childhood.
One of the most important things I learned is that while they were great at keeping things out, they also stopped things from getting in.
At some point, we have to let go and trust ourselves and what we have learned.
You cant do anything about whether or not the "old" wife comes back, right? So fearing that doesn't serve you well.
You are just in charge of keeping yourself where you want to be, yea?
I'm glad you're hopeful, Luke. There really is always hope until you decide there isn't.
Moving forward happens in fits and starts sometimes. As long as it is pointing in the right direction and not behind us...it's all good.
I am not sure if the walls are hers or mine .. probably a mix of both.
W admitted yesterday she was 'terrified' of giving me the STD as she said out S deserves to have one healthy parent.
Might be TMI, but its our reality right now, the real scare is HIV, she has no idea, and is terrified its a possibility ... and given what I have learned of OM, who knows ... so yeah that alone is like laying next to a time-bomb in bed, having to wait till SEP to know for sure has increased the anxiety in her big time.... the guilt and gravity of what she potentially could have done is really weighing on her. To this point not many people even know about the A ... let alone the STD, so there has been a good number of "What if" thoughts for her.
All that being said .. I am grateful to be 'here' ... and catch myself from wanting to be 'there' to quickly ... the homework helps to get thoughts/feelings out without being judged .... and its crazy, she is amazed at learning things she never knew about me ... thinking she knew me for 25 years and learning something still shocks her.
