Newcomer's sad story

[CaliGuy]

Gabs ... welcome .. or whatever we are supposed to say to someone who is 'here' as its not the place most of us ever wanted to be right? A vet read your sitch and sounded me on my board thinking I may be able to help you ... I respect her completely and if I can in anyway help someone I am all about it as I received some serious help in my stay here.

I quoted your post and will chop it down some ... just key points for now. Things that appear need to be cleared up ... there is a TON to learn and absorb here at first ... I will tell you that some of these things as you already have hinted feel the complete opposite of your very being but they are for the best, you will have to TRUST me a bit .. and the process and I know how impossible that may be as ... well you have no idea who I am.

That being said ... I have been at 'this' a bit ... there was no magic bullet, no secret cure ... my wife like yours decided she needed out ... just like that .. and like yours it felt like a race ... she BD in Sept and was out by Nov ... just like that. OM/A ... really does not matter you have to DB regardless ... so lets look at your post a bit.....

Hello,
My wife and I have been married for 30 years. Just a few weeks ago she announced she wants a divorce. Not a separation. A divorce.

If you ask her why she is doing this, she will say, because we are different people, and there has been a wall between us. We can't communicate.

I just got introduced to this website and for the first time. Until now, I have been begging, promising, crying, apologizing, but now I have put an end to that. I realize, she even told me, the more of that, the more she is pushed away.

Ok ... so you have learned this ... Do NOT Pursue (READ Sandi's 37 .. .GOLDMINE .. learn it and live it

For years she has been saying we have these communication and connection problems but I never really "got it." We have been to counseling, and would feel a little better for a while but would always return to our rut. And I would never really understand why she didn't feel connected. I didn't feel madly in love but I felt OK with things. Now I get it. I can see some of the things I was doing were making her feel unloved. I wasn't giving her the attention she needed and deserved. I wasn't spending time with her. Now that I get it, I feel so bad that I wasn't giving her the love she needed, and I also wish I could just get one more chance to show her what it is like to be loved. I can think of so many things that I would do if she came back. Man would she be loved!

Ok ... I will touch on this later .. but just realize it took YEARS for her to feel this way .. you all the sudden waking up will not make her feel 'oh its all good' its going to take time fro her to TRUST your changes.

But that is not happening now. She has given me another chance before. In her mind she is "done." End of story. She says she still loves me and cares about me and wants to be my friend but we are not compatible. After 30 years! ARGH!

Note, there is no other person. She has told me (and our counselor) that she has no intention to be with another person. Relationships are a downer for her now.

She is done ... and buckle up .. soon she will have a list of reasons, rewritten history and continue to convince herself why its best to leave you ... take this for what it is .. its script but for you ... you need to do the self work, become the best option, might be a OM ... might not .. does not change YOUR approach here.

My biggest problem right now is that she wants to move quickly and get it over with. I feel like if I had some time I could do the things I am reading about on this site. she wants to move into a different place as soon as possible. I feel this will be a huge financial burden and both of us will have a hard time making ends meet and the kids will suffer. I really don't see how we can even make it on our own, with each having our own mortgage. So I am really stressed about taking on all the expenses with half the income. I think the little savings we have will be gone quickly and then we could lose one or both of the houses. Plus, for the kids, I think they would have some time to adjust to the idea of what is happening if we take things slowly. And, I feel like if we are in separate houses I will not be able to show her I am changing. That seems to be the easiest part - the 180. I am reading books about how to communicate better, control my anger, I'm getting up earlier in the morning, I'm looking her in the eye when we talk, and repeating back what she says, I'm cleaning up much more around the house, I feel like a different person.

This is not your biggest problem, your biggest problem is she has checked out ... the speed at which she wants to move on and start her new life is just a result of this

I get it ... its fear that controls you right now, fear of her gone, family over, you alone, all you know gone ... fear will consume you a bit here ... just accept these feelings and use that to focus on what you need to do .... but not for HER. You need to do this for YOU, thats the trap many fall into is doing all these things to 'win' her back and I promise you she will see right through that and be further out the door just as if you beg plead and grovel for her to stay.

But moving into a different house (whether it is me or her) My fear is that if she gets into another house, our finances will go down the drain, the kids will suffer more, and she will never get to see the changes I'm making.

Yup ... its a big finacial hit, but guess what, she will feel it to, and the WAS must start feeling the consequences of their actions. You can not control this part, if she wants out, she goes ... I would advise you STAY ... her choice her decision ... she leaves not you ... you are standing for your M here right?

I know one of the ideas here is to let her take the space she needs. but in this case I really think it is going to hurt my cause. I really would like to stay under one roof as long as possible and I can live in a different room and give her lots of space, and stay at a friends house a few nights a week... But she just says she feels strongly that one of us has to move out and get a new place. She thinks it will be easier on the kids because they won't be confused by seeing us interacting when we are "split up." And I think she is in "la-la land" in terms how it will be financially when she's on her own.

Nope ... you stay in the MBR and the house... if there is not A or OM ... I would be ok with W staying there too if she chooses .. but if there is an A the advice is we ask them to leave the MBR at the least. If she so strongly wants out .. she goes ... mine did, I did not grovel, did not help her move ... her choice and her responsibility ... it becomes REAL when they leave, otherwise you leave and allow them their cake and way of life, and its up to THEM when you can come home ...make sense?

IF you do split, (I know you do not WANT to) you need to legally separate to protect yourself and the kids

I just don't get it, after 30 years, can't we just slow down a bit? What is the rush? I understand she wants to split up with me but I don't see why we have to move towards separate houses and plow towards the Big D as soon as possible.

I have been depressed, losing weight,... To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the hope that I will get her back.

We never get it ... they have had this planned out for years. You do have a chance here ... trust me ... but you will have to do some work and its going to take time ... she will want to rush through this, there are things you can do to flip this in your favor as you become more of the person you were meant to be .... one she will come to respect.

I know I'm supposed to detach. But I am having a hard time with that. I just love her. More than ever before. All the things that used to bug me about her before have disappeared. I can do the "Act as if" because it's acting, and down inside I am sad and wanting to be with her. But detaching means to actually let her go. To give up. No way. I just can't do that. this whole thing is supposed to be about getting her back, right? why do I have to detach? Can't I keep my love for her strong, even if it is hidden?

And in regards to the house situation, I would love to hear from others if I should continue to resist her plan to get out as soon as possible.

thanks.

Detach was brutal for me too ... I felt like a kid clinging to moms leg begging 'Don't leave me alone' ... normal, but you have to let go, the more you squeeze the more she will wiggle to get free. Detaching does not mean you stop loving them ... you just poker face it a bit .. love from afar if you will. Its about attitude .. and once you start doing it she will test you ... she will most likely see where you are at. Though she is pressing to leave and D ... after 30 years she still will want you in certain regards, this is to your advantage. You have to play the long game, big picture this constantly.

I know its strange, and feels sometimes like the opposite of what you feel you should do ... but think about it .. what you felt you should do to this point has your W running for the hills .... whats the worst that can happen at this point that is not already heading in that direction?