As I said before, I struggle knowing where to draw the line since one of her big complaints is that she felt I really didn't care about her and took her for granted.
Just so you'll know, in almost every WW story I've read, the W says what yours has said. She will say anything to make herself sound justified. She will say most anything to guilt you.
The WW's two favorite cards to play are the guilt and control.
You can learn from past mistakes. You can ponder on how you could have made her feel more loved. You can change yourself into a better man, and continue learning how you can be a better H. You can take note of her complaints (that she made before she turned wayward), but you cannot try to prove her wrong by showing her what a perfect H you can be while she's in an A. Mainly b/c it puts you into pursuit mode, which is the last thing you need to do with a WW. She may tell you to jump through hoops of fire.....but that doesn't mean it's what you should do!
We often get acquainted with a new poster by asking about the complaints and getting a feel of the stitch. IMO, whatever complaints your W may have voiced after she made the choice to include a third person in the M, should not be addressed right now. I say this b/c it is not the immediate problem. When she stops all contact with OM, is remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to save the M, then you can show her what an improved H you are by implementing all those things you should have been doing up to the point she turned wayward. Does this sense to you? I'm not suggesting you become a terrible person or anything. Stay balanced here.
I have observed over the years that a LBH will wake up and want to go into overdrive, and is so eager to prove himself worthy of his W. But here's the catch: she's past that point now. Oh, she'll use complaints as her platform for leaving or even getting into the A......but in her heart she's done. She's not the least bit interested in you showing her how wonderful you can be now. The more you would try to show her how you don't take her for granted....the more turned off it would make her feel. The whole ballgame has changed, which means your playbook needs to change. You cannot play by her rules.
This does not have to mean there's no chance in reconciliation. I'm just telling you how it is at the moment. There is hope here. She may feel done, but that doesn't mean it's fact.
Instead of thinking of what you should be doing to stop her from going to OM, think of what you won't tolerate in your life. In general what is it you won't tolerate from other people. What about in your M? What goes against everything you believe is right, moral, valuable, religious, or the very core of what you are? Then, think about the things you absolutely cannot live without. (And don't say your W, b/c life can continue without her.) When you know these things, then you'll know your personal boundaries. That is your focus point. Not her, not the A or even the MR (at the moment), but rather your self respect and dignity as a man. The very things you stand for, and/or fight against being in your home/family/life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
